it was so close. i was so close.
the plan was already laid out.
- we (gorgeous and sexy leovina ..now she has to pay me for this.. and i) already called DOST for the MS scholarship.
- called Mapua and La Salle for the MS requirements.
- downloaded necessary forms.
- sent my application for the teaching position.
- Mapua already called to validate my availability for April school year and schedule me for an interview.
- expenses for March and April, until the check was released, already secured.
- need not to travel from Manila to Laguna everyday.
- am going to take my Masters, review for the board and teach part-time.
the only thing that's blocking my way is one signature. THE signature.
our company did not escape the economic crisis. it is the business' demand to cut-off some heads in the company payroll. with this, the admin released a Management Decided Separation Program (MDSP) for all employees.
it took me two weeks to arrive at the decision to avail of this program. (two gruesome-mind-boggling-headache-filled weeks) It was February 20, 2009 when i took courage to speak of my plans to my immediate supervisor and my manager. the discussion went like this:
CarlQ: Iha, you are safe for the time being. You are not included in the list of those who will be redundated.
EmmaA: Yes sir. Pero po.. (Yes sir. But..)
JeffL: Naku, mag-aapply sya. (Oh no. She will avail of the program)
EmmaA: Yes sir.
CarlQ: Bakit naman? (Can you tell me why?)
EmmaA: Ganito po kasi yun sir. Kahit saan po wala naman tayong kasiguruhan. Wala akong kasiguruhan sa labas. Pero wala rin akong kasiguruhan dito. Ang pagkakaiba po sir, kahit wala akong kasiguruhan sa labas, alam ko na meron akong magagawa, at meron akong desisyon sa kung saan man ako pupunta. Dito po, wala rin naman akong kasiguruhan eh. Pero wala rin akong magagawa. Maghihintay lang ako. (The reason for this sir is that I know there is no guarantee on everything. There is no guarantee outside this company. But there is no guarantee in here as well. The difference is that, though I do not know what will happen to me when I leave, I know I can do something about it. And I can make my own decision on where I want to go. If I stay here, I do not know, as well, what will happen to us. And I cannot do anything about it. My only choice is to wait.)
JeffL: Oo nga naman, kesa si LQ (test engineering director) lang ang magdesisyon ng buhay mo. At least alam ko na pinag-isipan mo talagang mabuti ang desisyon mo. (You do have a point, instead of just letting LQ to decide for your life. I am thankful that you have put a lot of thought on your options before coming to this decision.)
CarlQ: Ano naman ang plano mo iha kung sakaling ma-approve ka? (So what are your plans if ever you will be approved?)
EmmaA: Gusto ko po sanang magturo. Balak din po namin ni Leovina na mag-take ng Masters.. (I would like to try my skills in the academe. Leovina and I also have plans of getting a Masters Degree.)
(-personal talk here.. blah. blah. blah. .. i just couldnt remember anymore-)
but in the end. LQ will still decide for my life.
since it is "management decided", it was their decision to not let me go. the answer to my letter of intent was a red, official-looking "UNAPPROVED."
my world crashed before my eyes.
everything was in chaos.
i lost hold of my dreams.
i lost hold of my future.
i lost hold of myself.
when you have everything you always wanted. right there in front of your eyes. in arms reach.
only one thin line was there to stop you from taking that step. one thin loopy line. one signature.
of course if i really wanted to go, i could have resigned. yes i could have. but i cant. maybe my reasonings are flawed enough to justify my insistence to leave. or maybe im looking at all these rubble on the other side of the mirror. but i cannot leave on my own. i needed that package. of course i needed that.
first, it offers a kind of payment for those who will be approved. second, the retention contract will be waived. i could pay-off my existing debts. and i am not obliged to pay for my contract. (which by the way is the main reason why i cannot leave the company for the time being.) so i needed that.
so here i am. trying to find the right reasons for putting my best foot forward again in this job. trying to build new dreams. trying to shape a new future. trying to pick up the pieces of myself.
and it is not easy. not one bit.
