I love flowers

Oooohhh.. I love flowers.. Especially orchids..
But I like tulips as well. I started liking them the first time
when hubby gave it to me on our first month together back in college.
These are in my grandmother's garden.

Miranda Residence. Palauig, Zambales

This is our home in Palauig, Zambales. My children are staying here while I work in Laguna. I only see them once a month.





At least they have a very wide play ground.

Lets talk about that Dull work

I like my job.

I dont necessarily love it but we're friends.

I am currently working in a semiconductor company as a Test Hardware Engineer. (whoooh)
And I would gladly trade it to be a full-time housewife and mother. (And I could do some cross-stitching on my free time). Since I cant be neither in the next 3 years, lets talk about that obsession some other time.

So work.

This is work.

This is engineering multi-tasking, analytical, clerical, boring work.
Ok. Its not at all boring. Its quite challenging actually.
Trying to do everything simultaneously with extreme amount of pressure because everything is due within the day. (And may God save the world because its already 2:55pm.)
But then, I dont want to discuss the technicality of my work here.
That's for my manager to comprehend.

What we need to talk about here is when you feel you dont want to do it anymore.

Work is trapped in your office room. It is in your PC or your laptop. It is in the equipment you use. It is in the four corners of your office building. When you walk out of that glass door after 5:30 pm. You stop working. You start living.

My hubby came home last night feeling all wasted. He asked me whether a time will come when he can retire. He's 26. He hardly slept that night.

This morning I asked him if he was feeling better, he told me he doesnt want to work anymore.

Of course I felt the same way for the last 2 and a half years. I still do. But I have a son to send to school. He needs new shoes because the last one I bought, which was expensive enough for my budget because it promised a long, sturdy lifetime, were already worn out. I needed to pay for the costume he needs to wear because he's participating in the school program. I have a daughter who loves fruits. I have 2 sisters who ask for monthly allowances. I have a cousin I send through college. and I have a hubby who occasionally requests I cook his favorite dish.

I need the job because I need the money. I can quit it anytime I want. (well, after the contract, that is) What I mean is, I could stop working. I could give it up. I could have my lifelong dream of being loving housewife. I could finally learn doing bonsai plants. But for me, it would mean I have to give them up too. My son has to stop school. And my daughter would not be able to eat apples if its not christmas and my sisters and cousin have to work their way through college.

No, money cannot buy happiness. But it could buy the remote control helicopter my son wants for his birthday. My wallet is lighter by a few hundred pesos but my heart is heavier with love and happiness when I see him with his dada playing under the sun.

However, work has its bad days as it has good. And sometimes the bad are reason enough to stop loving your work. Or liking it, for that matter. Because you feel stranded. Your work is going nowhere and you feel you are too. There will be failures, there are bad memos, there are For-Improvement notices, missed deadlines, money loss, and hurt ego. But one thing I learned in this lifetime, you go where you choose to. Everybody gets a chance to play. If you let all the downfalls get into you. It will. Nobody is a failure until he thinks he is. Get up. There's no better way than standing up from your fall and not falling on the same spot again.

Work to live, not live to work. Let work worry you for 8 hours all during company time, leave all the worries behind when its time to go home. Do not let it take over your life. As I say, there's so much more to life than the big project you're handling right now. Go home, take you kids to their favorite fastfood. Eat fries. Watch a feel-good movie with your wife. Pray. Sleep well.

When you wake up. There is work. But it will be better. Because you feel better for yourself.

You and your work is a compromise. Its like a relationship. You take care of it and it takes care of you. And you get a fair share of the bargain.

Stained Glass

I will tell you about that Thursday.

History.

Anything can happen. Good things happen. Bad things happen. You can meet good people. You meet bad. You go up. Or you go down. There is good karma and there is bad karma. Good things happen almost everyday. One good thing at a time.

All bad things happen on thursdays.

I dont know when I started noticing it. But it does.

When I was in highschool, break-ups happen on thursdays. It was a thursday when I missed the one-day school interaction because I was sick. I received the news I will graduate salutatorian instead of the much-coveted-and-expected-already-prepared-valedictory-speech 1st place on a thursday.

When I was in college, I get surprise-I-dont-know-anything-havent-slept-due-to-design tests on thursdays. I got my class card with my first ever 3.0 grade on a thursday. I get stuck in traffic during thursdays. Always.

But this is not about my other hundred misfits during thursday. This is about THAT thursday.

Where to start?

My attendance for the last three years had been very bad. I accumulated a number of not-so-pleasing memos because of my tardiness. Both my immediate supervisor and manager have been monitoring my monthly attendance.

I travel for 2.5 hours from our home to work. My trip consists of a 3-minute walk, 5-minute tricycle ride, 15-minute bus ride, 25-minute train ride and a 90-minute bus ride. That's minus the technical failures of the LRT, and the heavy traffic at SLEX due to road widening projects of the so-called government.

I now have an average of 5 tardy days a month. Ive been worse.

So I've been trying really hard to keep my attendance at a good light. Ive suceeded so far.

Then thursday. I am late. Not a good way to start the morning.

That day, my manager sent me a summary of my tardiness for last month. Not a good sight either.

What happened next?

I went through my daily routine, e-mails, follow-ups, file reviews, reading blogs in between, reports, the usual. And then...

A week ago we decided to organize a "savings group" every payday, every member of the group is required to give a decided amount of money and one member is to receive the sum. This will continue until every one in the group received the same amount of money. It was like saving for the rainy days.

The problem begins when everyone claims his rainy day will come at one chosen date. And everyone wanted to receive the lump sum first. or second, at the least.. which is entirely, absolutely IMPOSSIBLE!

So to make things fair, I raffled the numbers. Each one will pick a number from the box to represent the date of his "salary". Easier said than done. Because as soon as the person picked up his number, seeing it was not what he hoped for, all the babbles and the rabbles began again. I feel so completely harassed. As if I jinxed them so they would receive the last number or something.

After everyone had his pick, "some" (but of course it is still just someone) were still not contented and were still making a fuss about all it, threatening to withdraw his share, blathering about not wanting to be a part of the group anymore. What an @*$h0l3.

What could be worse?

A few months ago, somebody left a message in my friendster inbox asking me about my father. The first thing I noticed is that he's carrying my surname. So he got my interest. He gave the name of my father and asked if that person is my father. And so I answered yes. Being more conclusive than I should, I asked him if we have the same father.

He answered a yes.

Last tuesday, my father sent me a very weird text message, he told me he wanted to ask me something. And that he wanted to thank me beforehand for the question. I was supposed to meet them that day because it was my mother's birthday but I wasn't able to come and we didn't had the chance to talk about it.

Yesterday, it just occurred to me. I texted my dad and asked him if he was going to ask me about that somebody from friendster.

He answered a yes.

He told me he didnt where to begin. Or how to start explaining. He told me there would be the right place and time for that.

I told him he didnt need to explain anything to me. I'm old enough to know how the real world works.

I told him there's no easy way. No matter how he does it, it will still hurt. We dont know how the rest of the family will react to this but its something he has to face. Alone.

I told him there will never be the right place nor the right time for this stuff. It doesnt matter where, or when, delaying the fact doesnt change it. They will feel pain. Bigtime. He needs to tell it now, or soon, waiting for another 24 years will not help him. It will not help us either. I hope my mom's busy enough she wont miss reading my blog. This is something she should not know. Not from me anyway.

Well. Life sucks sometimes. Shit happens.

Life Sucks. Yay, Its a Thursday

I hate thursdays.

Bad things happen on thursdays.

Its thursday. I am late.

I get stuck in traffic; I get rain-soaked; I missed the last train trip on thursdays.

I get a bad memo from my boss; I lost deals; I get sick on thursdays.

I get shouted at, I get bullied, I almost get fired on thursdays.

I think I was born on a thursday.

Its my Anniversary

Yesterday was our 6th year anniversary. It was absolutely wonderful.

I gave hubby 6 different gifts as a symbol of each year we had together.

(As he was opening the gifts, we was murmuring about not going to receive any gifts for Christmas. How can he think of such things? I already finished my christmas giftlist (hmm..ok, not quite, but I will..very soon) and I have planned it all out.)

So this is the gift list:

1. Digital Clock

He already told me (well, kind of hinted through a very far from the topic conversation) that he wanted a digital clock because the wall clock isnt working anymore (no, its not the battery, I already changed it but still wont work) and I found it to be a very good symbol of our first year together.

We were still in college during our first year and like all other early relationships, we are so glued together. We wanted to spend every minute together, that is if we do not have any classes, which sums up to only 3 hours a day (1 hour in the morning before class, 1 during lunch break and 1 during the trip home) all because our class schedules complicate things a bit. So time has been very important to us. We rarely go out during the weekends because he's a sleep freak. Its either he's at school or he's sleeping. Nothing in between. Normally we stay up late if we wanted to have more time.

2. A coin bank

Our second year was when we moved in together (see full story below). We were still both in college (he's graduating and I'm in my last year). We were financially zero. He's sending me to school, he's buying my vitamins, he needs to pay for monthly check-ups and we need to eat. He found work eventually after graduation but his salary was not enough to secure all our financial needs. I remember he only buys two packs of biscuits for lunch because I needed a much decent meal. (I will forever be thankful for this.) We try to save as much as we can for the coming baby (again, full story below). Now, I hope we save enough to buy ourselves a home of our own.

3. Picture Mosaic of Dada and Lexi

Lexi is our little girl. The news of pregancy arrived September, three months before his graduation and I was in my last year in college (yes, some colleges do not make a fuss about pregnant students.)

This really breaks my heart but I'll tell you about it. We actually agreed on not having the baby yet. (Lexi, if in case you read about this when you grow up, I am very, very sorry. You know I love you very much.) We are both "still" financially supported by our parents, he doesnt have work yet, I still have to finish school and I already have Jam (This is one long story, so lets talk about it some other time). We were practically, emotionally, and financially not prepared. But then my parents accidentally caught me having those pregancy morning sickness and they knew. (Of course they would, I dont know how but parents usually know about these things but they do, did not even ask me if I have an upset stomache or something. shrugzs?!) And they decided to hand me over..hehehe. But I was really happy that my hubby stood up for me. He took us (me and the baby) in. And he took the responsibility over me. whew!?

We moved in together at his parents house around December (I think.. it could have been earlier, I am sorry I cannot remember the exact date). He started looking for work right after graduation (Thank you very much baby!) and I went back to school. Lexi was born June 5. And she's an angel. I know he loves her very much. And she loves him as well. I was so glad that the picture I chose for the mosaic was his favorite photo of them together. Good thing I followed my instincts.

4. Two bracelet-type rosary with our birthstones.

This is our bumpiest year ever. We had more misunderstandings than we can handle. We almost always fight. We lost trust, we doubt, we were both paranoid. I admit this is my fault. and although he already forgave me for my mistakes, I know I will make up for this for the rest of our lives together.

We learned that revenge will only make things worse. We struggled to hold the relationship together. There were times when giving up was the only sensible thing to do but we tried. Because we know that behind all the anger, and the fear of hurt we still love each other. And that is reason worthy to hold on.

5. An 8-in-1 screw driver set with torch

Aside from the fact that he loves hardwares, I needed something to represent fixing things. Something we did during the year. We fixed things up. We tried to correct our mistakes, made up for our shortcomings. We tried to listen before we judge. We started trusting again. We calmly talked about it, what went wrong and tried to come up with measures to not make the same mistakes again. We talked about what we didnt like about what happened, what we didnt like about each other and what we like for ourselves. It was hard trying to forget about how much pain we went through and we do not have a guarantee that we wont get hurt again. But as Noah (of the Notebook) said, its the possibility, not the guarantee, that kept us going on. And we did.

6. A small plant

I wanted this to represent growth. Considering our fixing-up year, I saw this plant to symbolize us as being born again and we need continuously take care of each other to survive and to live. I know we will.