Moving Backwards

I know now.
I was not ready to forgive you.
You did not give me enough time to heal.
You forced me to move forward too soon.
That now, I'm having a hard time reconciling what my heart is feeling and what my mind is telling.
I'm failing to understand why I keep on loving the one person who hurt me the most.

Undiluted Fear

For the first time in my life, I fear for me.

I have been trying to hold back in taking this step for as long as I can remember.

The past years I was just trying to get out of the hole I myself dug.
There were no excuses, only justifications of the why.
I could not bear to even think about it, I was too ashamed.
All I wanted was redemption. Freedom from guilt. From sin.

The path I chosen was never easy. I preferred it that way.
It was my means of making amends.
So I did what I have to do. I did what is asked of me.
I did what I thought will save us. I crawled.

I was under false hopes that I was making progress.
I thought I was building something, a foundation for permanence.
Yet, after I pulled myself out of the depths of error,
I am forced to admit I am, again, wrong.

Now, I fear.
I fear that everything that happened lead me to this.
I fear the realization I have been standing on the edge of this cliff
I fear that I wanted to jump off and just... fall.

Lingon

Madalas, binabalewala natin yung mga taong sobrang nagmamahal sa atin.
Meron tayong paniniwala na dahil sobra nga ang pagmamahal nila para sa atin, kahit ano man ang mangyari hindi sila mawawala.
Na mananatili lang sila sa ating tabi.
Na hindi nila tayo iiwan.

Alam natin na sa ating paglalakad, nandyan sila sa ating likuran.
Na kung lilingunin man tayo, nandyan pa rin sila. Nakasunod, nakaalalay, nakasuporta.

Dahil sa paniniwalang iyon, madalang na madalang na ang ginagawa nating paglingon.
Hindi natin nakikita ang mga pinagdadaanan nila.
Hindi natin alam na paminsan minsan, humihiling sila na lumingon tayo at ngumiti.
Hindi natin nararamdaman na minsan, gusto nilang sumabay sa paglalakad.
Hindi natin nakikita na minsan, nadadapa sila at nasusugatan.
Hindi natin naririnig na minsan, nasasaktan sila at umiiyak.
Hindi natin naiintindihan na minsan, sila naman ang may kailangan ng pag-alalay at pag-suporta.

Habol tayo ng habol sa napakaraming pagkakataon.
Inuubos natin ang oras natin sa mga bagay na iniisip natin na siyang mahalaga.
At yung mga nagmamahal sa atin, hindi natin sila mabigyan ng kahit kaunting panahon.
Hindi sila nabibigyan kahit kaunting pagpapahalaga.
Nasa ating isip na marami pang panahon para sa kanila, marami pang pagkakataon na darating.
Hindi naman sila mawawala eh. Nandyan lang sila pag dumating na ang panahong iyon, ang pagkakataong iyon.

Minsan lang, baka dahil sa masyado tayong abala sa iba pang napakaraming bagay,
hindi natin napapansin, na sobrang layo na pala tayo sa kanila. Na hindi na nila tayo maabot.
Na naiwan na pala sila.

Sinasabi natin palagi na marami tayong problema, na marami tayong dapat gawin, na marami tayong dapat ayusin. At kailangang mauna ang lahat ng iyon. At sana maintindihan nila tayo kung bakit wala tayong panahon. Madalas, sinasabi natin na pagod tayo at mainit ang ulo. At sa paghiling natin na intindihin nila ang kalagayan natin, hindi natin napapansin na pagod din pala sila.

Hindi natin napansin na napagod na silang umamot ng kaunting panahon.
Na naipon na ang maraming sakit ng damdamin. Na hindi na ganun kalaki ang pagmamahal dahil iisa lang and daloy nito. Puro palabas at walang bumabalik para punan ang pagkukulang.

Walang TAMAng panahon o pagkakataon para suklian natin ang pagmamahal na binibigay sa atin. Hindi naman kailangan na bitiwan natin ang lahat ng ibang mga bagay para magkaroon tayo ng sapat na oras. Minsan, hindi lang natin alam, pero hindi nila kailangan na itigil natin ang ating buhay para sa kanila. Gusto lang nila ng simpleng ngiti, munting yakap, at saglit na haplos.
Para sa kanila sapat na ito upang malaman nila na pinahahalagahan natin ang kanilang bahagi sa ating buhay.

Minsan, kailangan lang nating matutong lumingon.

Stranded

The semicon business is now in its downturn.
There is very, very low man-power requirement and most of us here are in a state of dreadful doubt of losing our jobs.

Some already chose to leave the company to look for better opportunities abroad.

And some who already spent the last twenty years running the rat race decided to retire and spend their remaining limbs resting on some old wooden rocking chair near the beach.

I can do neither.

First, I have a binding contract to work for this company for the next 3-4 years. This is because of the scholarship program they have given me when I was in college. Resigning would mean I need to pay for all they have spent for my education. Sadly, I dont have that kind of money.

Second, I am sending my kids to school. My hubby always wanted me to stay home to be the loving housewife he dreams about. I would gladly take the challenge. But that means he has to support us, food, shelter education, all the like. BUT, he doesn't earn enough for that. He earns well, but not enough for growing children.

I need this job. I know I do. What I do not know is if the JOB needs me. The last few weeks have been very dull. Our work load is low as well and I've been spending most of my office hours doing nothing but reading blogs, surfing the net and waiting for my email to update its folders. (Not that I am against it.)

But not being productive may mean that I have no worth in the company, which, in this time of crisis, would mean I could be laid off. And no, I cannot accept that.

I am afraid of what is to come. I've been trying to convince myself that the company cannot take this job away from me because of the contract. That they could not waste all those money they spent for me. That they need the intellectual property I have.

But the horrifying truth is that THEY ACTUALLY CAN, THEY ACTUALLY COULD, and THEY ACTUALLY DONT.

What's worse with this is that I dont know where to go from here. This was not part of the long-term plan I made. I cannot leave on my own but if they DO lay me off I will come face-to-face with the real world unprepared. And I cannot accept that either.

I know I have to do something. But what is there to do?

I dont like rain? No. I hate it.

I dont like the rainy season.

You can take me to all the fantasy series where I would realize the importance of rain and it wouldn't change how I feel.

I just dont like it.

I accept that we need it. Very much I know. And I dont mean otherwise.

But I still dont like it.

Imagine, you're going to this very-big-your-life-depends-on-it job interview, slept well, woke up early, had a 2-hour bath, wearing the best formal suit you could get your hands with, and that well-shined shoes. Then it rained.

You now need to walk real slow because you might get your feet wet from all the puddles and rain splashes. You also need to take your not-so-fashionable umbrella which really ruins your outfit.

Instead of taking the bus, you now need to take a cab to the office because of the rain-wet people coming in and out of the bus.

You will then have to call the office apologizing because you will arrive later than expected due to the heavy traffic. (Which, by the way, is a very bad impression.. and first impression lasts..)

After the interview, you can choose whether let the rain subside before going home, (which I think is a better idea although if we are talking about storms it would take hours..) or you can fight your way through the rain, may encounter a few flooded areas, survive some traffic jams and arrive home looking all wasted.


Ok. Im talking extremes. But can't anyone understand how frightening the sound of heavy rains on the roof is?

I am afraid of the rain. Honest. My hubby thinks its something funny. Everytime it rains he teases me about it, though it usually comes with a tight embrace and a kiss. (That really helps ease me out.)

I'm serious. The start of the rain triggers me to crawl up in bed and hide under my pillows, or the bedsheets or anything that can cover me from the rain.

My mom told me I was afraid of the rain since I was little. My children are afraid of the rain as well. I dont know if its hereditary. Its quite a moment when you see the three of us trying to get comfort from each other because we are all afraid the rain will cause something bad to happen.

Then reading this now makes me realize I am not really afraid of the rain, the rain cannot hurt me, the rain is as natural as living and I cannot stop it.

I think, what I'm really afraid of is being alone. Being in the midst of the "bad things happening" and I am alone.
Dont get me wrong though. I am a very independent person. I want things done my way.
But I do admit that at the lowliest times of my life I dont want to be by myself.
I've been there and its not it anyway good. or acceptable.

I am afraid that after I've been my best, given everything, risked all that is at stake and end up all wasted. And with everything to lose, I should survive.

And when you grew up overshadowed by the mistakes you've made over time. It isnt easy living with all those expectations of making up for them. You will always be afraid of making the same mistakes all over again. Or thinking that after all that you've done you'll still fail. And you spent half the time convincing yourself that you are not failure before you start redeeming yourself from being one.

If you are that person, you will be afraid everyday. You will be afraid of the rain. As I am.

Today, I hope it wont rain.
I left my umbrella at home.