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The only thing constant is change.

And so I took the constant force for change into effect.

After 4 years and 11 months with Engineering, I finally decided to shift my career to Human Resources.

Yup, you read that right, HR.

What made me do it?
Change.

What feared me most?
Change.

What pushed me through?
Change.

The aspect of change both excited and scared me out of my wits.
I put on my battle gear and head on for battle.

I have my mediocre writing and speaking skills as helm.
My charisma with people as pauldron.
My love for teaching as breastplate.
I donned my technical skills as scales.
I wore my strength as gauntlets.
I held my forced confidence to take on challenges as my shield.
And I forged my self-belief as spear.

I didnt fail to notice though, that I have no cuisse and greaves.
The things that could have helped me keep my head held high.

And this is what scares me, being incomplete.
If I'm going to be as honest as possible, I would tell you I wasn't prepared for this.
I wasn't built for this.

I spent 10 years consumed in mathematical problems, electronic circuits and designs.

Everything is based on things I can calculate, things I can draw, things that can be represented by logic gates.

I breathe in test analysis, resistor and capacitor readings, I troubleshoot hardware failures. I work alone. I fail alone. I succeed alone.

So what the hell am I thinking moving to HR?

I was thinking of all the things I like to do.
writing, teaching, reading.

I was thinking of all the things I can do.
knowledge sharing, leading, mentoring.

I was thinking of all the things I need to do.
learning, advancing, growing.

I was thinking of all the things I will do.
creating, developing, molding

And so you ask,

Am I overworked?
Yes.

Am I in a lot of pressure?
Yes.

Am I pushing myself to the limits?
Yes.

Am I happy?
Hell, yes.

So let's stop all these drama.

i am here... again...

here i am again.
standing on the edge of the cliff.
waiting.

i am so close... again.

the last time, i turned my back and walked away.
if this do not go where i hope it would.
i might jump off the damned cliff.

i am not supposed to tell anything 'yet' about this.
but the suspense, or is it close to anxiety, is getting on my nerves.

the deliberation for promotion is scheduled today.
i have been in the board since October but i was disqualified because of poor attendance.
i did not contest that decision. i really am almost, always late.
my fault. i know.
the "i live in Navotas" excuse sound flimsy even in my ears.

but i changed. or to put it in much convincing words, i tried.
i know there is visible improvement in me.
even my supervisor and manager told me so.
i just dont think it's enough.

there is no problem with my performance.
i know.
ive got a VERY GOOD PERFORMANCE rating in the last Performance Appraisal.
that is equivalent to a 4 from a 1-5 rating range with 5 as the highest.
my new manager told me so too.
i just have the VERY bad feeling that it isnt enough.

i know i did want to leave the company. remember? MDSP?
but since they did not approve of me because "i am an important member of the group"
i rearranged all my plans to be as exceptional in my job as they wanted me to be.
i am not saying that they SHOULD give me the promotion because they held me tight right here.
but because i believe that i deserve it.
i know i did work hard for this.
i never failed to meet my commitments just because im late.

sigh.

all this blabbering will not take me up there.
and in the back of my mind i kept asking SOMEONE up there to listen.
i wanted an entirely different thing a month ago.
but it was not given to me.
and i know everything happens for a reason.
i hope this is HIS'.

one day, we will meet again

this is solely dedicated for my manager, Geffrey C. Lim, who will be leaving his post March 31, 2009.

remember the MDSP package i was ranting about? well, he availed of it and was approved.
i couldnt tell you how it must have felt for him.

but i could tell you why it doesnt seem fair that he has to go.
no, not only me, but everyone who worked hard under his supervision:

• Thank you po for being one of my bosses here in NXP, super agree po ako sa sinabi ni Boss Carl na “, patient, respectful, approacheable, open, diplomatic, unselfish, friendly,consensus-type new breed type of boss, the best actually”…thank you also for not being a boss to us but for being a “tatay” to the whole group, kse si boss Karl daw ang lolo hehe este uncle pla...wishing you more success, happiness and all the best of everything that life can offer!...God Bless always! :=) Add nyo po kmi sa friendster or facebook ha?! Hahahahahahha…-Eden Marabillon
• All I can say is nothing......Nothing is comparable to you boss, no other bosses indeed.....If ever you'll be having a venture again to a new company,I am willing to report in. Kahit tindero boss. hehehe....Thanks for everything boss.- Chris Vergel de Dios
• In behalf of Me, my family, and the Qual Group.......THANK YOU !!!! It will not be a good bye but see you soon......- Robert Salvosa
• Thank you for the immeasurable things you have done for the group.No words can better describe you Sir Jeff...Wishing you more success on your future endeavors.Until we meet again.....- Raoul C. Borromeo
• Godspeed po. Wala ako masasabi sa boss kong ito :). Thanks po sir Jeff!! Kung kailangan ninyo po ng tao if ever na bumalik kayo sa industriya, ito po yung number ko.... hehehehe... balitaan ko na lang kayo sir sa email ninyo tungkol sa mga politicians dito sa atin heheheh.... Pag may outing kung makakasama kayo sama kayo sir a... - Louis Vincent Sambo
• If I would be asked again if I wanted to be a part of the hardware group, I will, without a doubt, say yes, as long as you will be my manager.We may not be in LQ’s most favorite people list and it’s not important. What really matters is that you stood up for us. For not giving up on your, and our, rights. For being the leader who stood beside his group, not leading but guiding, for us to be the best both as a person and as a team.Thank you. No words will be enough to show you the amount of gratitude I feel especially at the time when I wanted my boss to walk with me and listen.Thank you very much.May our paths meet again.God bless us all.- Emma Jean Ancaja
• Before we miss and forget to thank you for the many innumerable things you have done for us, your group, for the good times and the bad, for the many joyous, relaxing dine-outs we had , where you contributed the most (dapat lang, hehehe) . For leading the group to where we are now, higher level na, marami ng narelease at malayo na rin ang narating at pinag-aagawan pa nga dahil sa competency developed through the 3 years we were together, may I initiate to say ... Thank you very much boss for being such a good, patient, respectful, approacheable, open, diplomatic, unselfish, friendly,consensus-type new breed type of boss, the best actually. Godspeed in all your endeavors. O teammates, Pls scribble some lines for our boss. Magpasalamat na kayo or humingi ng datungits....hehhe!!! - Carl Querubin Quitoriano
• Sir Jeff, First, I want to say "Thank You So Much..."
  Thank you for giving me a spot in this group even though we all know that, I don't belong here co'z of my educational background and despite of that you've given me a chance to be part it. It had given me the courage and determination to do the task that are given to me. Thank you for your trust you've given to me and believing that I can do debug/qual project. Thank you for your patience, co'z sometimes I've done some stupid things when I want to do my own kind of thing. (matigas lang talaga ulo ko minsan) You also teach us that, a good leader needs to respect his people for them to respect you in return. Thank you for lending me you're help at times that I needed it most. Thank you so much for being my Boss... Co'z if wasn't for you I wouldn't be here, where I am now. No words will describe you as our boss... actually not our boss but as our friend. - Ricky Mabini
• Sir, Salamat kaayo sa inyong kanunay nga pagtabang sa amo panginabuhi dinhi. Bisan pa kita magbinulagay sa walay klaro nga hinungdan, hinumduma lang sir nga naay pagsilot ang diyos sa mga tao nga daotan diri sa yuta, hehe.
  Kung ikaw mu dato na sir, ayaw lang mi kalimti. -Louise Garcia

there will never be enough words, i know. and there will never be the right way to describe how it was working with him. you have to experience it first hand to really understand why we feel this way.

i wouldnt say that there were no bad times, and sometimes things are tough for all of us. most of those times caused by the fact that we were hard-headed spoiled brats who dont want somebody telling us what needs to be done. but we can be good too. we just tend to complain too much. (am i still speaking for the group, or is it just me?)

the hardware group, the qual group in particular, is a gathering of people who knows what they do and are good at it. we know we started literally from scratch. as i quote sir jeff "We started with people who have no name to boast of, but armed with the determination to prove themselves worthy to be called "good engineers"

and somehow i believe that we are here now, competent and recognized "good engineers" not only because we are born beautiful and talented people (ooops, i know i told you this was SOLELY about sir jeff), but because there is someone who worked as determined as each and everyone of us. Somebody who, after a hard day's work, can sit back and relax with us, eating lechon and singing our hearts out.

The world is a small place and though we say goodbye now, we will find each other again. either as a boss, a drinking buddy, or a friend. we will part soon but we will always remember the years we all stood as one, climbing the ladder to our goals.

thank you for being our boss. and thank you for being one of us.

one day, we will meet again.

sleepyhead with a bad toothache

my head is killing me.

i am not quite sure whether my headache is caused by this annoying toothache
or my desperate need for some sleep.
i am almost, always so tired i wanted to stay in bed and sleep the whole day.

the next two weeks will be harder than i think (or is hope a better word for it?) it will be.
my daughter's graduation from kindergarten is scheduled this friday so we have to travel 5 hours to Zambales thursday night to be in time for the occasion.
then we have to get back sunday eve for work.

my son's recognition will be next friday and we have to travel back there again.
there goes my i-can-sleep-late-and-wake-up-whenever-i-want weekends.

and right now i cant think of nothing more but my bed and my pillows and painkillers.

can i just quit working today and go home?

false freedom

**due to insistent public request and/or demand for whatsoever purpose it may serve, i am editing this post to satisfy their love and respect for the english language.. ok, ok, my translations were a bit off.. (love you.. Lav..)


it was so close. i was so close.

the plan was already laid out.

• we (gorgeous and sexy leovina ..now she has to pay me for this.. and i) already called DOST for the MS scholarship.
• called Mapua and La Salle for the MS requirements.
• downloaded necessary forms.
• sent my application for the teaching position.
• Mapua already called to validate my availability for April school year and schedule me for an interview.
• expenses for March and April, until the check was released, already secured.
• need not to travel from Manila to Laguna everyday.
• am going to take my Masters, review for the board and teach part-time.

the only thing that's blocking my way is one signature. THE signature.

our company did not escape the economic crisis. it is the business' demand to cut-off some heads in the company payroll. with this, the admin released a Management Decided Separation Program (MDSP) for all employees.

it took me two weeks to arrive at the decision to avail of this program. (two gruesome-mind-boggling-headache-filled weeks) It was February 20, 2009 when i took courage to speak of my plans to my immediate supervisor and my manager. the discussion went like this:

CarlQ: Iha, you are safe for the time being. You are not included in the list of those who will be redundated.

EmmaA: Yes sir. Pero po.. (Yes sir. But..)

JeffL: Naku, mag-aapply sya. (Oh no. She will avail of the program)

EmmaA: Yes sir.

CarlQ: Bakit naman? (Can you tell me why?)

EmmaA: Ganito po kasi yun sir. Kahit saan po wala naman tayong kasiguruhan. Wala akong kasiguruhan sa labas. Pero wala rin akong kasiguruhan dito. Ang pagkakaiba po sir, kahit wala akong kasiguruhan sa labas, alam ko na meron akong magagawa, at meron akong desisyon sa kung saan man ako pupunta. Dito po, wala rin naman akong kasiguruhan eh. Pero wala rin akong magagawa. Maghihintay lang ako. (The reason for this sir is that I know there is no guarantee on everything. There is no guarantee outside this company. But there is no guarantee in here as well. The difference is that, though I do not know what will happen to me when I leave, I know I can do something about it. And I can make my own decision on where I want to go. If I stay here, I do not know, as well, what will happen to us. And I cannot do anything about it. My only choice is to wait.)

JeffL: Oo nga naman, kesa si LQ (test engineering director) lang ang magdesisyon ng buhay mo. At least alam ko na pinag-isipan mo talagang mabuti ang desisyon mo. (You do have a point, instead of just letting LQ to decide for your life. I am thankful that you have put a lot of thought on your options before coming to this decision.)

CarlQ: Ano naman ang plano mo iha kung sakaling ma-approve ka? (So what are your plans if ever you will be approved?)

EmmaA: Gusto ko po sanang magturo. Balak din po namin ni Leovina na mag-take ng Masters.. (I would like to try my skills in the academe. Leovina and I also have plans of getting a Masters Degree.)

(-personal talk here.. blah. blah. blah. .. i just couldnt remember anymore-)

but in the end. LQ will still decide for my life.

since it is "management decided", it was their decision to not let me go. the answer to my letter of intent was a red, official-looking "UNAPPROVED."

my world crashed before my eyes.

everything was in chaos.

i lost hold of my dreams.

i lost hold of my future.

i lost hold of myself.

when you have everything you always wanted. right there in front of your eyes. in arms reach.

only one thin line was there to stop you from taking that step. one thin loopy line. one signature.

of course if i really wanted to go, i could have resigned. yes i could have. but i cant. maybe my reasonings are flawed enough to justify my insistence to leave. or maybe im looking at all these rubble on the other side of the mirror. but i cannot leave on my own. i needed that package. of course i needed that.

first, it offers a kind of payment for those who will be approved. second, the retention contract will be waived. i could pay-off my existing debts. and i am not obliged to pay for my contract. (which by the way is the main reason why i cannot leave the company for the time being.) so i needed that.

so here i am. trying to find the right reasons for putting my best foot forward again in this job. trying to build new dreams. trying to shape a new future. trying to pick up the pieces of myself.

and it is not easy. not one bit.

Stranded

The semicon business is now in its downturn.
There is very, very low man-power requirement and most of us here are in a state of dreadful doubt of losing our jobs.

Some already chose to leave the company to look for better opportunities abroad.

And some who already spent the last twenty years running the rat race decided to retire and spend their remaining limbs resting on some old wooden rocking chair near the beach.

I can do neither.

First, I have a binding contract to work for this company for the next 3-4 years. This is because of the scholarship program they have given me when I was in college. Resigning would mean I need to pay for all they have spent for my education. Sadly, I dont have that kind of money.

Second, I am sending my kids to school. My hubby always wanted me to stay home to be the loving housewife he dreams about. I would gladly take the challenge. But that means he has to support us, food, shelter education, all the like. BUT, he doesn't earn enough for that. He earns well, but not enough for growing children.

I need this job. I know I do. What I do not know is if the JOB needs me. The last few weeks have been very dull. Our work load is low as well and I've been spending most of my office hours doing nothing but reading blogs, surfing the net and waiting for my email to update its folders. (Not that I am against it.)

But not being productive may mean that I have no worth in the company, which, in this time of crisis, would mean I could be laid off. And no, I cannot accept that.

I am afraid of what is to come. I've been trying to convince myself that the company cannot take this job away from me because of the contract. That they could not waste all those money they spent for me. That they need the intellectual property I have.

But the horrifying truth is that THEY ACTUALLY CAN, THEY ACTUALLY COULD, and THEY ACTUALLY DONT.

What's worse with this is that I dont know where to go from here. This was not part of the long-term plan I made. I cannot leave on my own but if they DO lay me off I will come face-to-face with the real world unprepared. And I cannot accept that either.

I know I have to do something. But what is there to do?

Lets talk about that Dull work

I like my job.

I dont necessarily love it but we're friends.

I am currently working in a semiconductor company as a Test Hardware Engineer. (whoooh)
And I would gladly trade it to be a full-time housewife and mother. (And I could do some cross-stitching on my free time). Since I cant be neither in the next 3 years, lets talk about that obsession some other time.

So work.

This is work.

This is engineering multi-tasking, analytical, clerical, boring work.
Ok. Its not at all boring. Its quite challenging actually.
Trying to do everything simultaneously with extreme amount of pressure because everything is due within the day. (And may God save the world because its already 2:55pm.)
But then, I dont want to discuss the technicality of my work here.
That's for my manager to comprehend.

What we need to talk about here is when you feel you dont want to do it anymore.

Work is trapped in your office room. It is in your PC or your laptop. It is in the equipment you use. It is in the four corners of your office building. When you walk out of that glass door after 5:30 pm. You stop working. You start living.

My hubby came home last night feeling all wasted. He asked me whether a time will come when he can retire. He's 26. He hardly slept that night.

This morning I asked him if he was feeling better, he told me he doesnt want to work anymore.

Of course I felt the same way for the last 2 and a half years. I still do. But I have a son to send to school. He needs new shoes because the last one I bought, which was expensive enough for my budget because it promised a long, sturdy lifetime, were already worn out. I needed to pay for the costume he needs to wear because he's participating in the school program. I have a daughter who loves fruits. I have 2 sisters who ask for monthly allowances. I have a cousin I send through college. and I have a hubby who occasionally requests I cook his favorite dish.

I need the job because I need the money. I can quit it anytime I want. (well, after the contract, that is) What I mean is, I could stop working. I could give it up. I could have my lifelong dream of being loving housewife. I could finally learn doing bonsai plants. But for me, it would mean I have to give them up too. My son has to stop school. And my daughter would not be able to eat apples if its not christmas and my sisters and cousin have to work their way through college.

No, money cannot buy happiness. But it could buy the remote control helicopter my son wants for his birthday. My wallet is lighter by a few hundred pesos but my heart is heavier with love and happiness when I see him with his dada playing under the sun.

However, work has its bad days as it has good. And sometimes the bad are reason enough to stop loving your work. Or liking it, for that matter. Because you feel stranded. Your work is going nowhere and you feel you are too. There will be failures, there are bad memos, there are For-Improvement notices, missed deadlines, money loss, and hurt ego. But one thing I learned in this lifetime, you go where you choose to. Everybody gets a chance to play. If you let all the downfalls get into you. It will. Nobody is a failure until he thinks he is. Get up. There's no better way than standing up from your fall and not falling on the same spot again.

Work to live, not live to work. Let work worry you for 8 hours all during company time, leave all the worries behind when its time to go home. Do not let it take over your life. As I say, there's so much more to life than the big project you're handling right now. Go home, take you kids to their favorite fastfood. Eat fries. Watch a feel-good movie with your wife. Pray. Sleep well.

When you wake up. There is work. But it will be better. Because you feel better for yourself.

You and your work is a compromise. Its like a relationship. You take care of it and it takes care of you. And you get a fair share of the bargain.