Moving Backwards

I know now.
I was not ready to forgive you.
You did not give me enough time to heal.
You forced me to move forward too soon.
That now, I'm having a hard time reconciling what my heart is feeling and what my mind is telling.
I'm failing to understand why I keep on loving the one person who hurt me the most.

Isang Araw ng Martes

Nagsimula ang salaysay na ito kahapon, sa jeep. Habang pinag-iisipan ko kung bibili ba ako ng cake sa Red Ribbon at ng pizza sa Pizza Hut. Nabubuo sa isip ko ang takbo ng kwentong ito habang naglalakad ako, kasabay ng pag-alala ko kung noong teenager ako, sampung taon na ang nakararaan (ang 19 naman ay teenager pa diba?), ay nag celebrate ba ako ng Valentine's Day. Kung ang taon na yun ng nakaraan ang ating pag-uusapan, sasagutin ko ito ng hindi. Hindi lang dahil sa wala akong boyfriend nung taon na yun, pero dahil pinili ko na hindi.

Ang palabas sa bus pagsakay ko, "Bata, Bata, Paano Ka Ginawa?". Akala ko madrama na ang buhay ko. Pero dahil naiyak pa rin ako sa kwento, naisip ko na baka mas madrama ang buhay nya. Kasi katulad ni Lea, dalawa rin ang anak ko. Isang lalake, yung panganay, at isang babae, yung bunso. At katulad din ng sitwasyon ni Lea, magkaiba rin ang tatay ng mga anak ko. Hindi ko masabi kung sino ang mas swerte sa amin ni Lea, sa gitna ng mga drama namin sa buhay. Nagkaroon ng pagkakataon si Lea na ikasal, ako hindi. Iniwan naman siya ng dalawang lalake sa buhay nya, habang kasama ko pa rin hanggang ngayon ang ama ng aking bunso.

Minsan, ang hirap ding intindihin ng buhay. Malingat ka lang sandali, magugulat ka, nawala ka na sa pila, naiwanan ka na, naliligaw. At kung hindi mo paghihirapan na hanapin ang tamang daan, baka hindi ka na makarating sa iyong dapat puntahan. Pero minsan, sinasadya rin ng pagkakataon na malihis ka ng landas, na madapa ka, na masugatan. Pag nadapa ang anak ko, hindi yun umiiyak, tatayo siya mula sa pagkakadapa, magpapagpag ng duming dumikit sa kanyang katawan, at tatakbo ulit. Minsan, mas marami kang matututunan sa mga bata.

Kahapon din sa gitna ng aking pagtatangka na maging abogado ng isang araw, meron akong mga kaibigan na sumusubok sa kaligayahan ng puso. Walang makapagsasabi kung saan man patutungo ang kanilang sitwasyon ngayon. Maaari silang masaktan, ngunit nandun pa rin ang pag-asa na hindi at tuluyan silang maging masaya. Isa sa mga natutunan ko sa aking buhay, may dahilan at may tamang panahon ang lahat ng bagay. Kung tama man ang kanilang nararamdaman ngayon, baka mali pa ang panahon para sa kanila. Pero kailan pa?

Minsan, ang paniniwala ko, merong mga taong perpekto. Mga taong, sasabihin mo, nasa kanila na ang lahat. At ang mga taong ito ay hinahangaan ko. Dahil nakikita ko ang kanilang galing, ang kanilang pagmamahal sa kanilang ginagawa, ang kanilang paninindigan. Iniisip ko na may hangganan ang kakulangan ng tao. Na darating ang isang araw, na nasa iyo na ang lahat ng kailangan mo. At wala ka ng ibang hihilingin pa. Pero kahapon, nalaman ko, marami rin palang lungkot na nakatago sa mga ngiti ng mga taong akala ko perpekto. Maraming mga luha sa likod ng mga halakhak. Nalaman ko na kahit gaano ka man kagaling, gaano man kataas ang posisyon mo sa buhay, laging merong kulang. Hindi ko inaalis ang paghanga ko sa kanila at sa kanilang kakayahan, pero naintindihan ko, na katulad ko rin sila. Hindi perpekto. Napatunayan ko na hindi nasusukat sa laki ng bahay ang kaligayahan ng isang tao. Minsan, may kayamanan sa gitna ng kawalan at may kapayapaan sa gitna ng kaguluhan. Minsan, kaya ng tao na umiyak at tumawa ng sabay.
Nasaan kaya ako sampung taon mula ngayon? Saan kaya tutungo ang aking landas? Sana sa panahong iyon, may kakayahan pa akong magsulat. Sana, marami na akong natutunan sa buhay. Sana may puwang pa sa mga bagong kaalaman. Sana, kahit may kulang, meron akong akin. Sana may lungkot at may saya. Sana, kung nasa gitna man ako ng kawalan, basta may pagmamahal, at kapayapaan.

Sana sa isa pang araw ng Martes, merong ituro sa akin ang buhay.

version 1.01

The only thing constant is change.

And so I took the constant force for change into effect.

After 4 years and 11 months with Engineering, I finally decided to shift my career to Human Resources.

Yup, you read that right, HR.

What made me do it?
Change.

What feared me most?
Change.

What pushed me through?
Change.

The aspect of change both excited and scared me out of my wits.
I put on my battle gear and head on for battle.

I have my mediocre writing and speaking skills as helm.
My charisma with people as pauldron.
My love for teaching as breastplate.
I donned my technical skills as scales.
I wore my strength as gauntlets.
I held my forced confidence to take on challenges as my shield.
And I forged my self-belief as spear.

I didnt fail to notice though, that I have no cuisse and greaves.
The things that could have helped me keep my head held high.

And this is what scares me, being incomplete.
If I'm going to be as honest as possible, I would tell you I wasn't prepared for this.
I wasn't built for this.

I spent 10 years consumed in mathematical problems, electronic circuits and designs.

Everything is based on things I can calculate, things I can draw, things that can be represented by logic gates.

I breathe in test analysis, resistor and capacitor readings, I troubleshoot hardware failures. I work alone. I fail alone. I succeed alone.

So what the hell am I thinking moving to HR?

I was thinking of all the things I like to do.
writing, teaching, reading.

I was thinking of all the things I can do.
knowledge sharing, leading, mentoring.

I was thinking of all the things I need to do.
learning, advancing, growing.

I was thinking of all the things I will do.
creating, developing, molding

And so you ask,

Am I overworked?
Yes.

Am I in a lot of pressure?
Yes.

Am I pushing myself to the limits?
Yes.

Am I happy?
Hell, yes.

So let's stop all these drama.

February 25, 2010

Baby coh,

Alam mo bang nasa bus pa ako? Nag code yellow ang lrt at stranded ako.
Alam mo bang past 12 na ako nakatulog kagabi?
Alam mo ba na ayaw kong pumasok ngayon pero wala akong choice?
Baby, I'm so tired and I'm so sad.
Hindi ko maipaliwanag.
Gusto kitang makita, gusto kitang yakapin.
Gusto kong umiyak ng umiyak.
Gusto ko ng umuwi, yakapin ang mga anak ko.
Gusto kong puntahan si mama at makipagkwentuhan lang sa kanya.
Gusto kong makipagkulitan lang kila jean.
Gusto kong maligo sa dagat.
I've been feeling I'm missing all the significant parts of my life because of this work I don't even like.
I want to be home, taking care of you, watching the children grow.
I'm so sad baby I'm crying.
I'm so sad.

WANT.

This blog is inspired by Ms. Tia, the girl who wrote the blog which never failed to tell me to never stop believing. Game on.


Life list of wants..


I want to write. Have my own book. Write children stories which i can tell my children before we go to sleep. So they would go dreaming happy dreams.

I want to have enough money to buy myself a house. in there we would build a home, dada, jam, lexi and me. it would have that wonderful kitchen i would dominate, cooking and baking and discovering ways of providing good food. (well, good for me, for sure.)

I want to go to a culinary school. so i could make that (please see above) good food. for everyone to enjoy. (or not.)

I want to learn how to make bonsai plants. it amazes me. and i want to be a part of something amazing.

I want to compose songs I would later hear in radio as the most requested.

I want to be a teacher. I want to tell the children that they can be whoever they want to be as long as they believe it. I want to inspire people. To tell them to be an inspiration to others as well.

I want to pursue my masters. I want to review, again, for the board exams and hopefully pass. (please. please. please.)

I want to be a good mother. i want to be the one my children will run to when they picked up a fight in school. i want to be the one they share their secrets with. i want to be their number one fan.

I want to retire from work early. when i could still fly around the world. 0r the Philippines at least.

I want to live long enough to see my grandchildren. and be that good mother all over again.

Today, I learned

im totally broke.
im running in vapors.
im living off by borrowed money.
and somehow, suprisingly, im thankful.

there is so much that i dont have. i dont have savings.
no spare change. no loose cash.

and all the time i was much focused on these things,
trying to find ways to have those things that i dont.
i couldnt call it wishful thinking, it was too close to obsession.

and i noticed, in the passage of time, with these thoughts clouding
both my mind and my heart that i grew restless.
my emotions tend to get so heavy and i am almost always
on the verge of tears.

i began finding faults in people.
i started blaming others, including my family, for the kind of situation im in.
i found no peace.

one day, my daughter, in her most talkative state, was recalling her experience in school.
she told us that they were studying colors.
and her teacher asked her what's the color of the sky.
she could have answered a blue. we were all expecting that.
but this is what she said,

'minsan, kulay itim ang langit.'

the simplicity of her words, drowned me.
sometimes the children are better equipped to understand the simplicity of life.

the sky may be black sometimes, maybe much longer than we wanted it to.
but it doesnt mean the sky isnt blue.

i dont need to have everything.
i just needed to appreciate everything that i have.
when i started doing that, i realized i have much more than i could have bargained.
i have a family who loves me.
i have two beautiful children who keeps me smiling.
i have a husband who supports me always.
and i have my life.

today, i learned.

Plurk Post >> Define True Love?!?

ok.

i will not pretend to be a love guru or something. nor act as if i have the perfect true love in my life. as a disclaimer, i am having everyone to be aware that anything you read here is entirely MY opinion on the matter and any violent reactions and/or bitter responses will obviously be overlooked to the sense of almost ignored. so you might as well realize that you cannot do anything about it.

lets get back to business. true love. define.

i believe this discussion started with the song 'Captured' which in my point of view is a rather good song. not on top of my playlist since i only heard it yesterday, but the story was quite ok.

it was, as they say, a little shifted to the 'ideal' love story. being 'captured' to that one person and loving him to last a happy ever after. and that it can only happen in the movies.

since i am bound to my own opinion, i both agree and disagree.

i do know that every girl in the entire world have, in one way or another, whipped up their ideal man, relationship and love affair. and i do know that it is not healthy to be living in the midst of unneccesary likeness to the ideals.

but love in its truest sense is ideal.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

with this in mind, i can say that love endures time. endures all hardships. all trials. all boulders of life. and love resides in happiness, contentment and peace.

and anybody who says otherwise is either not in the right state of mind or just havent found that one true love.

its just that love is not always about romance, and candlelight dinners. it cannot be measured by how men understand the complexity of women, nor the ability to be always at the right place at the right time.

love is being able to sit down together, not talk and yet be comfortable.
love is being able to see his faults as often as you see yours. then make up for it.
love is being able to say sorry and forgive as well.
love is being able to be yourself and be one with him all at the same time.
love is being able to listen with your heart.
love is being able to trust blindly.

i do not say that being in love with someone is always being up in cloud nine. and i do not promise that it will not hurt. and i myself do not claim that i have the best in life.

i remember i was once confused with this love definition because of these quotes:

If you love someone, you have to love him without expecting anything in return.
and
Love is give and take.
The first quote is one way. the second, a two-way love. so which is true?

Instead of being entirely mystified, i made my own quote:
love is give and receive.

so in one way, you love without expecting anything back and if the one you love, loves you as well, he will do the same thing. so you receive.

and maybe the reason why people stopped believing in true love is because they keep on waiting to receive the same amount of love they give. that instead of continually giving in that love, they keep on expecting on the amount of love they can take back. and so they get hurt.

i always believed in that one true love. or if im being mushy today, soulmates. there is somebody out there meant specifically for each one of us. there are old maids or bachelors because they didnt meet their other halves in this life. maybe in another lifetime, in another form, in another life. but they will. WILL. (taken in random-things-i-believe-in)

so stop moping around you lot and start looking for your true love. he's just there. somewhere.

Random Things I Believe In

happy friday!


i really dont know how i should begin this, thinking i may well do the bullets, so here goes..

i believe...

• everything happens for a reason. things happen, good, bad and everything in between. i do not always understand the reasons, and in some cases that i do, i cannot accept it. but i believe that whatever it is, it will always end up good. no matter how bad it started.
• in that one true love. or if im being mushy today, soulmates. there is somebody out there meant specifically for each one of us. there are old maids or bachelors because they didnt meet their other halves in this life. maybe in another lifetime, in another form, in another life. but they will. WILL.
• there is goodness in every person and so is beauty.
• there is a higher power. UP there. who helped me through all the rocks and fences and boulders of life.
• in the strength of a family. when you feel that the world turned its back on you, you will find your family, standing there beside you, holding your hand.
• i cannot please everybody. i can try but i know it will just be a waste of my time. as long as im comfortable with myself and with what i do. i dont give a damn for whatever other people are saying.
• when im very tired, drinking milk will make me feel ok. (or is there some proven scientific fact for this?)
• that once in a while, it is okay to cry.
• that 'im sorry" is not the same as "its my fault".
• i cant expect anybody to love me as much as i do. but i am worth loving. (or so i wish, hehe)
• that its not 'seeing is believing'. believing is seeing. (i wish i could remember from which movie i got this. as far as i can recall, its about christmas)
• that half truths are still half lies. white lies, red lies, blue lies, even rainbow-colored lies are still lies.
• not, in the saying that 'what they dont know, wont hurt them.' because they will know. and it will hurt them doubly.
• that to earn respect, you should know how to give it.
• that children will believe in anything thier parents will say or do. even if its 'magically' changing one small chocolate kisses to a big one.
• that a toothache is worse than a headache, back ache, stomach ache, and body pains rolled into one.
• that spending a day in a beach is absolutely wonderful. LOVE.
• that when i love someone, you i everything about him. the way he smile, his laughters, his boyish ways. and i also love his nature of forgetting anniversaries, and his inability to put his clothes in the laundry basket rather than the floor. he is not perfect and so am i. but he loved me for who i am and who i can be. i am very much willing to return the favor.
• that every relationship has rough spots. and the trust with each other to go through the rocky roads together is the real measure of love.
• that people make mistakes. that i make mistakes. i can be bitchy sometimes. but what's important is the ability to admit mistakes and learn from it. telling sorry is a plus factor too.
• that it is hard to stay angry at any specific person for very long. it is stressful and tiring. no matter how grave the offense may be. forgiveness is divine.
• having a planner is very good. especially for me. i am a very forgetful person. i think im suffering from very-short-term memory loss.
• growing old is not about having white hair or wrinkled skin. (although of course you'll still have them) it is about having more life behind you. more wisdom from the years. better understanding. more love. more patience. and more beauty inside.
• that changing your hair conditioner in the middle of the week because you ran out of the usual will make your husband tell you that your hair smells like the dead.
• that its 15minutes from noon and i am hungry.
• that the most important belief that you should have, is that you believe in yourself.
• i do.

one day, we will meet again

this is solely dedicated for my manager, Geffrey C. Lim, who will be leaving his post March 31, 2009.

remember the MDSP package i was ranting about? well, he availed of it and was approved.
i couldnt tell you how it must have felt for him.

but i could tell you why it doesnt seem fair that he has to go.
no, not only me, but everyone who worked hard under his supervision:

• Thank you po for being one of my bosses here in NXP, super agree po ako sa sinabi ni Boss Carl na “, patient, respectful, approacheable, open, diplomatic, unselfish, friendly,consensus-type new breed type of boss, the best actually”…thank you also for not being a boss to us but for being a “tatay” to the whole group, kse si boss Karl daw ang lolo hehe este uncle pla...wishing you more success, happiness and all the best of everything that life can offer!...God Bless always! :=) Add nyo po kmi sa friendster or facebook ha?! Hahahahahahha…-Eden Marabillon
• All I can say is nothing......Nothing is comparable to you boss, no other bosses indeed.....If ever you'll be having a venture again to a new company,I am willing to report in. Kahit tindero boss. hehehe....Thanks for everything boss.- Chris Vergel de Dios
• In behalf of Me, my family, and the Qual Group.......THANK YOU !!!! It will not be a good bye but see you soon......- Robert Salvosa
• Thank you for the immeasurable things you have done for the group.No words can better describe you Sir Jeff...Wishing you more success on your future endeavors.Until we meet again.....- Raoul C. Borromeo
• Godspeed po. Wala ako masasabi sa boss kong ito :). Thanks po sir Jeff!! Kung kailangan ninyo po ng tao if ever na bumalik kayo sa industriya, ito po yung number ko.... hehehehe... balitaan ko na lang kayo sir sa email ninyo tungkol sa mga politicians dito sa atin heheheh.... Pag may outing kung makakasama kayo sama kayo sir a... - Louis Vincent Sambo
• If I would be asked again if I wanted to be a part of the hardware group, I will, without a doubt, say yes, as long as you will be my manager.We may not be in LQ’s most favorite people list and it’s not important. What really matters is that you stood up for us. For not giving up on your, and our, rights. For being the leader who stood beside his group, not leading but guiding, for us to be the best both as a person and as a team.Thank you. No words will be enough to show you the amount of gratitude I feel especially at the time when I wanted my boss to walk with me and listen.Thank you very much.May our paths meet again.God bless us all.- Emma Jean Ancaja
• Before we miss and forget to thank you for the many innumerable things you have done for us, your group, for the good times and the bad, for the many joyous, relaxing dine-outs we had , where you contributed the most (dapat lang, hehehe) . For leading the group to where we are now, higher level na, marami ng narelease at malayo na rin ang narating at pinag-aagawan pa nga dahil sa competency developed through the 3 years we were together, may I initiate to say ... Thank you very much boss for being such a good, patient, respectful, approacheable, open, diplomatic, unselfish, friendly,consensus-type new breed type of boss, the best actually. Godspeed in all your endeavors. O teammates, Pls scribble some lines for our boss. Magpasalamat na kayo or humingi ng datungits....hehhe!!! - Carl Querubin Quitoriano
• Sir Jeff, First, I want to say "Thank You So Much..."
  Thank you for giving me a spot in this group even though we all know that, I don't belong here co'z of my educational background and despite of that you've given me a chance to be part it. It had given me the courage and determination to do the task that are given to me. Thank you for your trust you've given to me and believing that I can do debug/qual project. Thank you for your patience, co'z sometimes I've done some stupid things when I want to do my own kind of thing. (matigas lang talaga ulo ko minsan) You also teach us that, a good leader needs to respect his people for them to respect you in return. Thank you for lending me you're help at times that I needed it most. Thank you so much for being my Boss... Co'z if wasn't for you I wouldn't be here, where I am now. No words will describe you as our boss... actually not our boss but as our friend. - Ricky Mabini
• Sir, Salamat kaayo sa inyong kanunay nga pagtabang sa amo panginabuhi dinhi. Bisan pa kita magbinulagay sa walay klaro nga hinungdan, hinumduma lang sir nga naay pagsilot ang diyos sa mga tao nga daotan diri sa yuta, hehe.
  Kung ikaw mu dato na sir, ayaw lang mi kalimti. -Louise Garcia

there will never be enough words, i know. and there will never be the right way to describe how it was working with him. you have to experience it first hand to really understand why we feel this way.

i wouldnt say that there were no bad times, and sometimes things are tough for all of us. most of those times caused by the fact that we were hard-headed spoiled brats who dont want somebody telling us what needs to be done. but we can be good too. we just tend to complain too much. (am i still speaking for the group, or is it just me?)

the hardware group, the qual group in particular, is a gathering of people who knows what they do and are good at it. we know we started literally from scratch. as i quote sir jeff "We started with people who have no name to boast of, but armed with the determination to prove themselves worthy to be called "good engineers"

and somehow i believe that we are here now, competent and recognized "good engineers" not only because we are born beautiful and talented people (ooops, i know i told you this was SOLELY about sir jeff), but because there is someone who worked as determined as each and everyone of us. Somebody who, after a hard day's work, can sit back and relax with us, eating lechon and singing our hearts out.

The world is a small place and though we say goodbye now, we will find each other again. either as a boss, a drinking buddy, or a friend. we will part soon but we will always remember the years we all stood as one, climbing the ladder to our goals.

thank you for being our boss. and thank you for being one of us.

one day, we will meet again.

sleepyhead with a bad toothache

my head is killing me.

i am not quite sure whether my headache is caused by this annoying toothache
or my desperate need for some sleep.
i am almost, always so tired i wanted to stay in bed and sleep the whole day.

the next two weeks will be harder than i think (or is hope a better word for it?) it will be.
my daughter's graduation from kindergarten is scheduled this friday so we have to travel 5 hours to Zambales thursday night to be in time for the occasion.
then we have to get back sunday eve for work.

my son's recognition will be next friday and we have to travel back there again.
there goes my i-can-sleep-late-and-wake-up-whenever-i-want weekends.

and right now i cant think of nothing more but my bed and my pillows and painkillers.

can i just quit working today and go home?

Outshone

there is one story i remember, back when i was still a child.
probably in grade 3 or 4. (ok, not so much of a child)

there was a poster we need to finish as a school project. and i was in high spirits.
i locked myself in our room.
exploring my childhood imagination, i experimented with drawings and colors.
i was satisfyingly happy of the outcome.
knowing in me that i did all that i can.

i ran down the stairs gleefully shouting that i finished my project.
i met my mom halfway down and showed her my drawing.

i excitedly told her how beautiful it is.

i will never forget what she told me:

"ang panget panget naman nyan" (its very, very ugly)

it was so painful that i cried out. the very first time i shouted angrily at my mama.

"kasi ang gusto mo lahat lang ng gawa mo ang maganda!" (its because you wanted that only your work will be beautiful!)

it was also the first time she slapped me for answering back.

i think its one of the reasons why until now i always try to please everyone.
for others to see that i do everything the right way.
i am always on my toes trying to be the best.
i wanted everything i do flawless and anything less is a crime.

the truth is, i always see faults in me.
feel that for everything that i've done, its still not enough.
no matter how much i tried. no matter how much of me i put in it,
it will always be less than beautiful.

i created an image of me, someone who took care of everything.
someone always trying to clear out things so others will find their ways free of obstacles
someone always looking for better ways
someone selfless, always giving
an image ive been trying to live up to for the last 20 years.

when all i wanted was to be taken care of,
for someone to appreciate what i can do and what i cant
for someone to accept me for who i am and not someone they wanted me to be.

or maybe, i just wanted somebody to tell me that there is beauty in what i do.
even if its just a grade school poster.

false freedom

**due to insistent public request and/or demand for whatsoever purpose it may serve, i am editing this post to satisfy their love and respect for the english language.. ok, ok, my translations were a bit off.. (love you.. Lav..)


it was so close. i was so close.

the plan was already laid out.

• we (gorgeous and sexy leovina ..now she has to pay me for this.. and i) already called DOST for the MS scholarship.
• called Mapua and La Salle for the MS requirements.
• downloaded necessary forms.
• sent my application for the teaching position.
• Mapua already called to validate my availability for April school year and schedule me for an interview.
• expenses for March and April, until the check was released, already secured.
• need not to travel from Manila to Laguna everyday.
• am going to take my Masters, review for the board and teach part-time.

the only thing that's blocking my way is one signature. THE signature.

our company did not escape the economic crisis. it is the business' demand to cut-off some heads in the company payroll. with this, the admin released a Management Decided Separation Program (MDSP) for all employees.

it took me two weeks to arrive at the decision to avail of this program. (two gruesome-mind-boggling-headache-filled weeks) It was February 20, 2009 when i took courage to speak of my plans to my immediate supervisor and my manager. the discussion went like this:

CarlQ: Iha, you are safe for the time being. You are not included in the list of those who will be redundated.

EmmaA: Yes sir. Pero po.. (Yes sir. But..)

JeffL: Naku, mag-aapply sya. (Oh no. She will avail of the program)

EmmaA: Yes sir.

CarlQ: Bakit naman? (Can you tell me why?)

EmmaA: Ganito po kasi yun sir. Kahit saan po wala naman tayong kasiguruhan. Wala akong kasiguruhan sa labas. Pero wala rin akong kasiguruhan dito. Ang pagkakaiba po sir, kahit wala akong kasiguruhan sa labas, alam ko na meron akong magagawa, at meron akong desisyon sa kung saan man ako pupunta. Dito po, wala rin naman akong kasiguruhan eh. Pero wala rin akong magagawa. Maghihintay lang ako. (The reason for this sir is that I know there is no guarantee on everything. There is no guarantee outside this company. But there is no guarantee in here as well. The difference is that, though I do not know what will happen to me when I leave, I know I can do something about it. And I can make my own decision on where I want to go. If I stay here, I do not know, as well, what will happen to us. And I cannot do anything about it. My only choice is to wait.)

JeffL: Oo nga naman, kesa si LQ (test engineering director) lang ang magdesisyon ng buhay mo. At least alam ko na pinag-isipan mo talagang mabuti ang desisyon mo. (You do have a point, instead of just letting LQ to decide for your life. I am thankful that you have put a lot of thought on your options before coming to this decision.)

CarlQ: Ano naman ang plano mo iha kung sakaling ma-approve ka? (So what are your plans if ever you will be approved?)

EmmaA: Gusto ko po sanang magturo. Balak din po namin ni Leovina na mag-take ng Masters.. (I would like to try my skills in the academe. Leovina and I also have plans of getting a Masters Degree.)

(-personal talk here.. blah. blah. blah. .. i just couldnt remember anymore-)

but in the end. LQ will still decide for my life.

since it is "management decided", it was their decision to not let me go. the answer to my letter of intent was a red, official-looking "UNAPPROVED."

my world crashed before my eyes.

everything was in chaos.

i lost hold of my dreams.

i lost hold of my future.

i lost hold of myself.

when you have everything you always wanted. right there in front of your eyes. in arms reach.

only one thin line was there to stop you from taking that step. one thin loopy line. one signature.

of course if i really wanted to go, i could have resigned. yes i could have. but i cant. maybe my reasonings are flawed enough to justify my insistence to leave. or maybe im looking at all these rubble on the other side of the mirror. but i cannot leave on my own. i needed that package. of course i needed that.

first, it offers a kind of payment for those who will be approved. second, the retention contract will be waived. i could pay-off my existing debts. and i am not obliged to pay for my contract. (which by the way is the main reason why i cannot leave the company for the time being.) so i needed that.

so here i am. trying to find the right reasons for putting my best foot forward again in this job. trying to build new dreams. trying to shape a new future. trying to pick up the pieces of myself.

and it is not easy. not one bit.

Lingon

Madalas, binabalewala natin yung mga taong sobrang nagmamahal sa atin.
Meron tayong paniniwala na dahil sobra nga ang pagmamahal nila para sa atin, kahit ano man ang mangyari hindi sila mawawala.
Na mananatili lang sila sa ating tabi.
Na hindi nila tayo iiwan.

Alam natin na sa ating paglalakad, nandyan sila sa ating likuran.
Na kung lilingunin man tayo, nandyan pa rin sila. Nakasunod, nakaalalay, nakasuporta.

Dahil sa paniniwalang iyon, madalang na madalang na ang ginagawa nating paglingon.
Hindi natin nakikita ang mga pinagdadaanan nila.
Hindi natin alam na paminsan minsan, humihiling sila na lumingon tayo at ngumiti.
Hindi natin nararamdaman na minsan, gusto nilang sumabay sa paglalakad.
Hindi natin nakikita na minsan, nadadapa sila at nasusugatan.
Hindi natin naririnig na minsan, nasasaktan sila at umiiyak.
Hindi natin naiintindihan na minsan, sila naman ang may kailangan ng pag-alalay at pag-suporta.

Habol tayo ng habol sa napakaraming pagkakataon.
Inuubos natin ang oras natin sa mga bagay na iniisip natin na siyang mahalaga.
At yung mga nagmamahal sa atin, hindi natin sila mabigyan ng kahit kaunting panahon.
Hindi sila nabibigyan kahit kaunting pagpapahalaga.
Nasa ating isip na marami pang panahon para sa kanila, marami pang pagkakataon na darating.
Hindi naman sila mawawala eh. Nandyan lang sila pag dumating na ang panahong iyon, ang pagkakataong iyon.

Minsan lang, baka dahil sa masyado tayong abala sa iba pang napakaraming bagay,
hindi natin napapansin, na sobrang layo na pala tayo sa kanila. Na hindi na nila tayo maabot.
Na naiwan na pala sila.

Sinasabi natin palagi na marami tayong problema, na marami tayong dapat gawin, na marami tayong dapat ayusin. At kailangang mauna ang lahat ng iyon. At sana maintindihan nila tayo kung bakit wala tayong panahon. Madalas, sinasabi natin na pagod tayo at mainit ang ulo. At sa paghiling natin na intindihin nila ang kalagayan natin, hindi natin napapansin na pagod din pala sila.

Hindi natin napansin na napagod na silang umamot ng kaunting panahon.
Na naipon na ang maraming sakit ng damdamin. Na hindi na ganun kalaki ang pagmamahal dahil iisa lang and daloy nito. Puro palabas at walang bumabalik para punan ang pagkukulang.

Walang TAMAng panahon o pagkakataon para suklian natin ang pagmamahal na binibigay sa atin. Hindi naman kailangan na bitiwan natin ang lahat ng ibang mga bagay para magkaroon tayo ng sapat na oras. Minsan, hindi lang natin alam, pero hindi nila kailangan na itigil natin ang ating buhay para sa kanila. Gusto lang nila ng simpleng ngiti, munting yakap, at saglit na haplos.
Para sa kanila sapat na ito upang malaman nila na pinahahalagahan natin ang kanilang bahagi sa ating buhay.

Minsan, kailangan lang nating matutong lumingon.

I love flowers

Oooohhh.. I love flowers.. Especially orchids..
But I like tulips as well. I started liking them the first time
when hubby gave it to me on our first month together back in college.
These are in my grandmother's garden.

Lets talk about that Dull work

I like my job.

I dont necessarily love it but we're friends.

I am currently working in a semiconductor company as a Test Hardware Engineer. (whoooh)
And I would gladly trade it to be a full-time housewife and mother. (And I could do some cross-stitching on my free time). Since I cant be neither in the next 3 years, lets talk about that obsession some other time.

So work.

This is work.

This is engineering multi-tasking, analytical, clerical, boring work.
Ok. Its not at all boring. Its quite challenging actually.
Trying to do everything simultaneously with extreme amount of pressure because everything is due within the day. (And may God save the world because its already 2:55pm.)
But then, I dont want to discuss the technicality of my work here.
That's for my manager to comprehend.

What we need to talk about here is when you feel you dont want to do it anymore.

Work is trapped in your office room. It is in your PC or your laptop. It is in the equipment you use. It is in the four corners of your office building. When you walk out of that glass door after 5:30 pm. You stop working. You start living.

My hubby came home last night feeling all wasted. He asked me whether a time will come when he can retire. He's 26. He hardly slept that night.

This morning I asked him if he was feeling better, he told me he doesnt want to work anymore.

Of course I felt the same way for the last 2 and a half years. I still do. But I have a son to send to school. He needs new shoes because the last one I bought, which was expensive enough for my budget because it promised a long, sturdy lifetime, were already worn out. I needed to pay for the costume he needs to wear because he's participating in the school program. I have a daughter who loves fruits. I have 2 sisters who ask for monthly allowances. I have a cousin I send through college. and I have a hubby who occasionally requests I cook his favorite dish.

I need the job because I need the money. I can quit it anytime I want. (well, after the contract, that is) What I mean is, I could stop working. I could give it up. I could have my lifelong dream of being loving housewife. I could finally learn doing bonsai plants. But for me, it would mean I have to give them up too. My son has to stop school. And my daughter would not be able to eat apples if its not christmas and my sisters and cousin have to work their way through college.

No, money cannot buy happiness. But it could buy the remote control helicopter my son wants for his birthday. My wallet is lighter by a few hundred pesos but my heart is heavier with love and happiness when I see him with his dada playing under the sun.

However, work has its bad days as it has good. And sometimes the bad are reason enough to stop loving your work. Or liking it, for that matter. Because you feel stranded. Your work is going nowhere and you feel you are too. There will be failures, there are bad memos, there are For-Improvement notices, missed deadlines, money loss, and hurt ego. But one thing I learned in this lifetime, you go where you choose to. Everybody gets a chance to play. If you let all the downfalls get into you. It will. Nobody is a failure until he thinks he is. Get up. There's no better way than standing up from your fall and not falling on the same spot again.

Work to live, not live to work. Let work worry you for 8 hours all during company time, leave all the worries behind when its time to go home. Do not let it take over your life. As I say, there's so much more to life than the big project you're handling right now. Go home, take you kids to their favorite fastfood. Eat fries. Watch a feel-good movie with your wife. Pray. Sleep well.

When you wake up. There is work. But it will be better. Because you feel better for yourself.

You and your work is a compromise. Its like a relationship. You take care of it and it takes care of you. And you get a fair share of the bargain.

Life Sucks. Yay, Its a Thursday

I hate thursdays.

Bad things happen on thursdays.

Its thursday. I am late.

I get stuck in traffic; I get rain-soaked; I missed the last train trip on thursdays.

I get a bad memo from my boss; I lost deals; I get sick on thursdays.

I get shouted at, I get bullied, I almost get fired on thursdays.

I think I was born on a thursday.

Its my Anniversary

Yesterday was our 6th year anniversary. It was absolutely wonderful.

I gave hubby 6 different gifts as a symbol of each year we had together.

(As he was opening the gifts, we was murmuring about not going to receive any gifts for Christmas. How can he think of such things? I already finished my christmas giftlist (hmm..ok, not quite, but I will..very soon) and I have planned it all out.)

So this is the gift list:

1. Digital Clock

He already told me (well, kind of hinted through a very far from the topic conversation) that he wanted a digital clock because the wall clock isnt working anymore (no, its not the battery, I already changed it but still wont work) and I found it to be a very good symbol of our first year together.

We were still in college during our first year and like all other early relationships, we are so glued together. We wanted to spend every minute together, that is if we do not have any classes, which sums up to only 3 hours a day (1 hour in the morning before class, 1 during lunch break and 1 during the trip home) all because our class schedules complicate things a bit. So time has been very important to us. We rarely go out during the weekends because he's a sleep freak. Its either he's at school or he's sleeping. Nothing in between. Normally we stay up late if we wanted to have more time.

2. A coin bank

Our second year was when we moved in together (see full story below). We were still both in college (he's graduating and I'm in my last year). We were financially zero. He's sending me to school, he's buying my vitamins, he needs to pay for monthly check-ups and we need to eat. He found work eventually after graduation but his salary was not enough to secure all our financial needs. I remember he only buys two packs of biscuits for lunch because I needed a much decent meal. (I will forever be thankful for this.) We try to save as much as we can for the coming baby (again, full story below). Now, I hope we save enough to buy ourselves a home of our own.

3. Picture Mosaic of Dada and Lexi

Lexi is our little girl. The news of pregancy arrived September, three months before his graduation and I was in my last year in college (yes, some colleges do not make a fuss about pregnant students.)

This really breaks my heart but I'll tell you about it. We actually agreed on not having the baby yet. (Lexi, if in case you read about this when you grow up, I am very, very sorry. You know I love you very much.) We are both "still" financially supported by our parents, he doesnt have work yet, I still have to finish school and I already have Jam (This is one long story, so lets talk about it some other time). We were practically, emotionally, and financially not prepared. But then my parents accidentally caught me having those pregancy morning sickness and they knew. (Of course they would, I dont know how but parents usually know about these things but they do, did not even ask me if I have an upset stomache or something. shrugzs?!) And they decided to hand me over..hehehe. But I was really happy that my hubby stood up for me. He took us (me and the baby) in. And he took the responsibility over me. whew!?

We moved in together at his parents house around December (I think.. it could have been earlier, I am sorry I cannot remember the exact date). He started looking for work right after graduation (Thank you very much baby!) and I went back to school. Lexi was born June 5. And she's an angel. I know he loves her very much. And she loves him as well. I was so glad that the picture I chose for the mosaic was his favorite photo of them together. Good thing I followed my instincts.

4. Two bracelet-type rosary with our birthstones.

This is our bumpiest year ever. We had more misunderstandings than we can handle. We almost always fight. We lost trust, we doubt, we were both paranoid. I admit this is my fault. and although he already forgave me for my mistakes, I know I will make up for this for the rest of our lives together.

We learned that revenge will only make things worse. We struggled to hold the relationship together. There were times when giving up was the only sensible thing to do but we tried. Because we know that behind all the anger, and the fear of hurt we still love each other. And that is reason worthy to hold on.

5. An 8-in-1 screw driver set with torch

Aside from the fact that he loves hardwares, I needed something to represent fixing things. Something we did during the year. We fixed things up. We tried to correct our mistakes, made up for our shortcomings. We tried to listen before we judge. We started trusting again. We calmly talked about it, what went wrong and tried to come up with measures to not make the same mistakes again. We talked about what we didnt like about what happened, what we didnt like about each other and what we like for ourselves. It was hard trying to forget about how much pain we went through and we do not have a guarantee that we wont get hurt again. But as Noah (of the Notebook) said, its the possibility, not the guarantee, that kept us going on. And we did.

6. A small plant

I wanted this to represent growth. Considering our fixing-up year, I saw this plant to symbolize us as being born again and we need continuously take care of each other to survive and to live. I know we will.

I dont like rain? No. I hate it.

I dont like the rainy season.

You can take me to all the fantasy series where I would realize the importance of rain and it wouldn't change how I feel.

I just dont like it.

I accept that we need it. Very much I know. And I dont mean otherwise.

But I still dont like it.

Imagine, you're going to this very-big-your-life-depends-on-it job interview, slept well, woke up early, had a 2-hour bath, wearing the best formal suit you could get your hands with, and that well-shined shoes. Then it rained.

You now need to walk real slow because you might get your feet wet from all the puddles and rain splashes. You also need to take your not-so-fashionable umbrella which really ruins your outfit.

Instead of taking the bus, you now need to take a cab to the office because of the rain-wet people coming in and out of the bus.

You will then have to call the office apologizing because you will arrive later than expected due to the heavy traffic. (Which, by the way, is a very bad impression.. and first impression lasts..)

After the interview, you can choose whether let the rain subside before going home, (which I think is a better idea although if we are talking about storms it would take hours..) or you can fight your way through the rain, may encounter a few flooded areas, survive some traffic jams and arrive home looking all wasted.


Ok. Im talking extremes. But can't anyone understand how frightening the sound of heavy rains on the roof is?

I am afraid of the rain. Honest. My hubby thinks its something funny. Everytime it rains he teases me about it, though it usually comes with a tight embrace and a kiss. (That really helps ease me out.)

I'm serious. The start of the rain triggers me to crawl up in bed and hide under my pillows, or the bedsheets or anything that can cover me from the rain.

My mom told me I was afraid of the rain since I was little. My children are afraid of the rain as well. I dont know if its hereditary. Its quite a moment when you see the three of us trying to get comfort from each other because we are all afraid the rain will cause something bad to happen.

Then reading this now makes me realize I am not really afraid of the rain, the rain cannot hurt me, the rain is as natural as living and I cannot stop it.

I think, what I'm really afraid of is being alone. Being in the midst of the "bad things happening" and I am alone.
Dont get me wrong though. I am a very independent person. I want things done my way.
But I do admit that at the lowliest times of my life I dont want to be by myself.
I've been there and its not it anyway good. or acceptable.

I am afraid that after I've been my best, given everything, risked all that is at stake and end up all wasted. And with everything to lose, I should survive.

And when you grew up overshadowed by the mistakes you've made over time. It isnt easy living with all those expectations of making up for them. You will always be afraid of making the same mistakes all over again. Or thinking that after all that you've done you'll still fail. And you spent half the time convincing yourself that you are not failure before you start redeeming yourself from being one.

If you are that person, you will be afraid everyday. You will be afraid of the rain. As I am.

Today, I hope it wont rain.
I left my umbrella at home.

A Good Share

I really feel good today.
I think its because today is one of my oh-my-god-my-hair-look-good days.
And because of this happy feeling, there is one particular forwarded e-mail I would like to share to everybody.
Its really a good read. And also inspiring. Enjoy.


The Best Kind of Love
by Annette Paxman Bowen

I have a friend who is falling in love. She honestly claims the sky is bluer. Mozart moves her to tears. She has lost 15 pounds and looks like a cover girl. "I am young again!" she shouts exuberantly.

As my friend raves on about her new love, I've taken a good look at my old one. My husband of almost 20 years, Scott, has gained 15 pounds. Once a marathon runner, he now runs only down hospital halls. His hairline is receding and his body shows signs of long working hours and too many candy bars. Yet he can still give me a certain look across a restaurant table and I want to ask for the check and head home.

When my friend asked me "What will make this love last?" I ran through all the obvious reasons: commitment, shared interests, unselfishness, physical attraction, and communication.

Yet there's more. We still have fun. Spontaneous good times. Yesterday, after slipping the rubber band off the rolled newspaper, Scott flipped it playfully at me: this led to an all-out war. Last Saturday at the grocery, we split the list and raced each other to see who could make it to the checkout first. Even washing dishes can be a blast. We enjoy simply being together.

And there are surprises.

One time I came home to find a note on the front door that led me to another note, then another, until I reached the walk-in closet. I opened the door to find Scott holding a "pot of gold" (my cooking kettle) and the "treasure" of a gift package. Sometimes I leave him notes on the mirror and little presents under his pillow.

There is understanding.
I understand why he must play basketball with the guys. And he understands why, once a year, I must get away from the house, the kids - and even him - to meet my sisters for a few days of nonstop talking and laughing.

There is sharing.

Not only do we share household worries and parental burdens - we also share ideas. Scott came home from a convention last month and presented me with a thick historical novel. Though he prefers thrillers and science fiction, he had read the novel on the plane. He touched my heart when he explained it was because he wanted to be able to exchange ideas about the book after I'd read it.

There is forgiveness.

When I'm embarrassingly loud and crazy at parties, Scott forgives me. When he confessed losing some of our savings in the stock market, I gave him a hug and said, "It's okay. It's only money."

There is sensitivity.

Last week he walked through the door with that look that tells me it's been a tough day. After he spent some time with the kids, I asked him what happened. He told me about a 60-year old woman that had a stroke. He wept as he recalled the woman's husband standing beside her bed, caressing her hand. How was he going to tell this husband of 40 years that his wife would probably never recover? I shed a few tears myself.

Because of the medical crisis. Because there were still people who have been married 40 years. Because my husband is still moved and concerned after years of hospital rooms and dying patients.

There is faith.

Last Tuesday a friend came over and confessed her fear that her husband is losing his courageous battle with cancer. On Wednesday I went to lunch with a friend who is struggling to reshape her life after divorce. On Thursday a neighbor called to talk about the frightening effects of Alzheimer's disease on her father-in-law's personality. On Friday a childhood friend called long-distance to tell me her father had died. I hung up the phone and thought, This is too much heartache for one week.

Through my tears, as I went out to run some errands, I noticed the boisterous orange blossoms of the gladiolus outside my window. I heard the delighted laughter of my son and his friend as they played. I caught sight of a wedding party emerging from a neighbor's house. The bride, dressed in satin and lace, tossed her bouquet to her cheering friends. That night, I told my husband about these events. We helped each other acknowledge the cycles of life and that the joys counter the sorrows. It was enough to keep us going.

Finally, there is knowing.

I know Scott will throw his laundry just shy of the hamper every night; he'll be late to most appointments and eat the last chocolate in the box. He knows that I sleep with a pillow over my head.

I guess our love lasts because it is comfortable. No, the sky is not bluer:
it's just a familiar hue. We don't feel particularly young: we've experienced too much that has contributed to our growth and wisdom, taking its toll on our bodies, and created our memories. I hope we've got what it takes to make our love last. As a bride, I had Scott's wedding band engraved with Robert Browning's line "Grow old along with me!"

We're following those instructions. "If anything is real, the heart will make it plain." There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some love that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be blessed to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity. Somebody who never lets go. Somebody who cherishes you forever.
Hope you find this kind of love in your life.

Bus Ride

I miss you.
I miss the small talks.

Sometimes we are too caught up in making a living,
That we forget to live.

We keep on trying to fill up every second with things to do,
That we forget how it feels doing nothing, just being together.

Sometimes I feel I dont belong in the city,
I dont want the fast-paced, career-centered life it offers.

I wanted to have the time to walk in the park, ride bicycles,
and hear little children laugh without thinking, 'I'm too tired.'

I wanted to crawl up in bed all worn out for staying up late,
watching all the feel-good movies I missed half a lifetime ago.

I wanted to dream about kitchens, libraries and living room couches.
I wanted to go star-gazing, lying on some old, rusty roof.

I dont need to watch the sun wake up with the skyscrapers.
I dont want to take that bus ride anymore.