Worthless

Worthless.
that is exactly how you made me feel.
this may sound harsh.
but this is me.
and this is my blog.
and i dont give a damn on how you feel about it.
you made it clear well enough last night.

everytime, before i sleep, i try to salvage as much self-worth i still have.
but after a long time, it still get to me.
im not worth anything.
i walk with other people and i belittle myself.
i see all the smiles and ask why i cant be worthy of even such a small gesture.
i go to work thinking i cant live up to everyone's expectations.
i will fail and will be the cause of shame.
i call my kids and they tell me how much ive been missing big chunks of their lives.
im not even worthy as a mother.
i call mama to seek comfort, and she would enumerate the numerous occasion that passed without me, not even remembering to call
i even fail as a daughter.
im not worth anything at all.

i try. everytime. i try to be worth something.
everytime i lose a piece of me.
i lose a piece of what i believe in.
one day, i might wake up and wouldnt even recognize me.

Maybe.. Someday..

October 15, 2010
In my room

I remembered I cried during Leovina’s wedding. I saw her walking down the aisle and it undid me.

I was crying for so many reasons.

I was crying because she is my dear friend and I am very happy for her. She found her perfect other half and has finally, after all her stress in the wedding preparations, committed in spending the rest of her life with him.

I was crying because I never wanted anything else so badly in my life than walking that aisle too. I so wanted to get married. I was imagining myself in her shoes. Guided by the song I made exactly for my wedding. I imagine I would be crying too. Crying because of too much happiness and overflowing emotions. In tears but with a great big smile. Up front I’ll find my dada, wearing an equally big smile, waiting for me.

I was crying because I was and am so afraid that its not going to happen to me. I know my dada loves me in his own way. I know he still wants to be with me. But after all the pain I’ve caused him, after all his love I’ve lost, I don’t believe he still has enough love to marry me. I am so afraid that I may wait for so long yet he doesn’t have it in him anymore.

I was crying because I knew for a fact that my dada wanted to give me a big wedding. Because I do know how much he loved me then. And I know how much less he loves me now.

I was crying because I think my own wedding would only be a dream.

this is me speaking

i am putting this up in my blog so the world will know...

i am a liar. and i'm good at it.

i'm probably lying right now and you wouldn't know the difference.

but i would. so who am i fooling?

exactly 12 hours before now, i actually believed lying is not that big deal.

right now i'm thinking how i could have lived with myself believing this.

last night i was on the verge of losing everything i have and everyone i love because of my lies.

and i was asked, is this what i'm going to teach my children? is this how i want them to grow up? i think i'd rather drown myself than walk up to them and tell them i lost everything for me and for them because i'm a liar. i will never be able to forgive myself.

i haven't had sleep for the last 32hours and i tell you, its not only in the 'judgement day' that you see your whole life flashed in front of you.

sometimes, it can happen lying awake at night thinking how stupid you are for making the same mistakes over and over again. and that you're not getting off this time. so you see how beautiful everything you have, the same everything you're about to lose. and it hurts like hell.

i am stupid. i am a liar and i am stupid.

i never saw it this way before. that honesty and trust goes together. and yeah, well, i thought the whole world revolves around me too. so i am a liar, i am stupid and i am a fool.

and i have never been so ashamed of myself.

i am not making promises here. i just want you to listen. i just want to let everyone know what i will try to do.

i am going to everyone i know i've lied to, even with the simplest of things, and i'm going to say i'm sorry. especially to those who i love the most. because you just don't hurt the ones you love. its easier said that done, i know. my instincts to protect myself will be there. but i learned the hard way that i lose more of myself by protecting it that way. and so i'm going to try. because i really really am sorry for what i did. for what i have become.

its not much. and it cant undo what had been done. i cant remove the pain i've caused and i cant actually prove myself for doing this. but i have to do something. i have start somewhere.

you know what, this morning, fate did its funny way of mocking me some more. i was asked to call for my daughter's assignment, when i did this was what she needed, write 2-3 sentences of how you could show honesty.

it took me quite a long hard time to grow up. i guess i finally did.

i, mother

my children spent the holidays with us last year.

considering the size of our room and my children's capability to bring about a complete mayhem, that two-week vacation was a disaster.

my laundry increased by 150%.
the clothes drawer was overflowing.
toys scattered everywhere.
leftovers all over the bed.

it was a mess.

i need to prepare two kinds of meal because my children are very pick.
i need to clean the room more than 4 times a day to be acceptable for comfort.
i need to shower 2 hard-headed (but cute, of course) children before bed time.
i need to read 3 stories before they close their eyes.

it was all a disorder.

my sleep was reduced to 4 hours a day.
my cross stitching time was zero.
my books to read piled up.

it was all exhausting.

but..

i get gazillion kisses everyday.
we get to stay up late and watch our favorite cartoons together.
we eat ice cream and make a mess of ourselves.
we go shopping together for new clothes.
i get embraces all through the night.
we make fun together.
we laugh out loud.
we run and play.
we joke around.

and we love.

it was the best holiday ever. i would not have had it any other way.

WANT.

This blog is inspired by Ms. Tia, the girl who wrote the blog which never failed to tell me to never stop believing. Game on.


Life list of wants..


I want to write. Have my own book. Write children stories which i can tell my children before we go to sleep. So they would go dreaming happy dreams.

I want to have enough money to buy myself a house. in there we would build a home, dada, jam, lexi and me. it would have that wonderful kitchen i would dominate, cooking and baking and discovering ways of providing good food. (well, good for me, for sure.)

I want to go to a culinary school. so i could make that (please see above) good food. for everyone to enjoy. (or not.)

I want to learn how to make bonsai plants. it amazes me. and i want to be a part of something amazing.

I want to compose songs I would later hear in radio as the most requested.

I want to be a teacher. I want to tell the children that they can be whoever they want to be as long as they believe it. I want to inspire people. To tell them to be an inspiration to others as well.

I want to pursue my masters. I want to review, again, for the board exams and hopefully pass. (please. please. please.)

I want to be a good mother. i want to be the one my children will run to when they picked up a fight in school. i want to be the one they share their secrets with. i want to be their number one fan.

I want to retire from work early. when i could still fly around the world. 0r the Philippines at least.

I want to live long enough to see my grandchildren. and be that good mother all over again.

Yesterday

I look at you,
and I see everything I missed because I let you go
and everything you would not have had if I didnt.

I look at you,
and see all that I've lost because i left
and all that you would if I didnt.

Coincidence

amongst the rush of tides, i see you
in the midst of howling thunder, i hear you
drowned in the rough slash of rain, i feel you

or is it just coincidence?
when i look around the corner and see your face
when i walk the long hallway and see your tread
when i peek in the mirror and see your smile

or is it just coincidence
when i turn around and catch your familiar scent
when i try to kill time and find you do the same
when i stop to daydream and feel your gaze

or is it just coincidence
when you call her the endearment you used to call me then
when you see her as the angel i was to you then
when you love her as much as you loved me then

or is it just me?

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's day to all mothers in the world.

Happy mother's day to my mama, who worked, and still working to send me and my siblings to college. (oh, dont ask me about my father, i dont want to explain everything here.. now..)

Happy mother's day to my nanay (aunt) who took care of me and my siblings when my mama has to go to work. and takes care of my children now that i have to go to work.

Happy mother's day to all mothers, who in one way or another have loved unconditionally, without questions and without exceptions, to all the children of the world.

last night in Mel and Joey (a TV talk show) there was an anecdote about mothers.. it goes like this..

Ang puso ng isang ina ay laging para sa kanyang mga anak.
kapag tinanggal mo ito sa kanyang katawan at ikaw ay nadapa,
itatanong sa iyo ng puso, 'anak, nasaktan ka ba?'

i wont be able to do it justice if i translate it in english so i might as well explain it as i understand it. (which may or may not mean that i am in the right state of mind, so bear with me.)

when i first learned of my pregnancy, my mom didnt say it but i know she's heartbroken. i know she trusts me to be the responsible one. that someone who knows how to handle her responsibilities and knows her priorities.

and somehow i know i failed her. bigtime.

but instead of telling me how big a disappointment i am to her, she took me to her OB, the same one who helped her get through her pregnancy with me, she bought me my vitamins, she took care of me, she held my hand that day when i gave birth to a smiling baby boy.

she never told me i was wrong. or i made a bad decision. or i messed up our plans. she just re-arranged everything to give way to the new addition to the family. she just re-made all plans to put me in the right place.

i know she made a lot of sacrifices. and i know how many nights she cried herself to sleep.

i will forever be in her debt.

i know she wasnt always there because of work. i know she didnt woke up early to help me prepare my siblings' lunch boxes. i know she didnt heard me call her name the night i cried my heart out. and it doesnt matter anymore.

i know she will always love me. for me. the good, the bad, and the little baby girl.

Random Things I Believe In

happy friday!


i really dont know how i should begin this, thinking i may well do the bullets, so here goes..

i believe...

• everything happens for a reason. things happen, good, bad and everything in between. i do not always understand the reasons, and in some cases that i do, i cannot accept it. but i believe that whatever it is, it will always end up good. no matter how bad it started.
• in that one true love. or if im being mushy today, soulmates. there is somebody out there meant specifically for each one of us. there are old maids or bachelors because they didnt meet their other halves in this life. maybe in another lifetime, in another form, in another life. but they will. WILL.
• there is goodness in every person and so is beauty.
• there is a higher power. UP there. who helped me through all the rocks and fences and boulders of life.
• in the strength of a family. when you feel that the world turned its back on you, you will find your family, standing there beside you, holding your hand.
• i cannot please everybody. i can try but i know it will just be a waste of my time. as long as im comfortable with myself and with what i do. i dont give a damn for whatever other people are saying.
• when im very tired, drinking milk will make me feel ok. (or is there some proven scientific fact for this?)
• that once in a while, it is okay to cry.
• that 'im sorry" is not the same as "its my fault".
• i cant expect anybody to love me as much as i do. but i am worth loving. (or so i wish, hehe)
• that its not 'seeing is believing'. believing is seeing. (i wish i could remember from which movie i got this. as far as i can recall, its about christmas)
• that half truths are still half lies. white lies, red lies, blue lies, even rainbow-colored lies are still lies.
• not, in the saying that 'what they dont know, wont hurt them.' because they will know. and it will hurt them doubly.
• that to earn respect, you should know how to give it.
• that children will believe in anything thier parents will say or do. even if its 'magically' changing one small chocolate kisses to a big one.
• that a toothache is worse than a headache, back ache, stomach ache, and body pains rolled into one.
• that spending a day in a beach is absolutely wonderful. LOVE.
• that when i love someone, you i everything about him. the way he smile, his laughters, his boyish ways. and i also love his nature of forgetting anniversaries, and his inability to put his clothes in the laundry basket rather than the floor. he is not perfect and so am i. but he loved me for who i am and who i can be. i am very much willing to return the favor.
• that every relationship has rough spots. and the trust with each other to go through the rocky roads together is the real measure of love.
• that people make mistakes. that i make mistakes. i can be bitchy sometimes. but what's important is the ability to admit mistakes and learn from it. telling sorry is a plus factor too.
• that it is hard to stay angry at any specific person for very long. it is stressful and tiring. no matter how grave the offense may be. forgiveness is divine.
• having a planner is very good. especially for me. i am a very forgetful person. i think im suffering from very-short-term memory loss.
• growing old is not about having white hair or wrinkled skin. (although of course you'll still have them) it is about having more life behind you. more wisdom from the years. better understanding. more love. more patience. and more beauty inside.
• that changing your hair conditioner in the middle of the week because you ran out of the usual will make your husband tell you that your hair smells like the dead.
• that its 15minutes from noon and i am hungry.
• that the most important belief that you should have, is that you believe in yourself.
• i do.

i am here... again...

here i am again.
standing on the edge of the cliff.
waiting.

i am so close... again.

the last time, i turned my back and walked away.
if this do not go where i hope it would.
i might jump off the damned cliff.

i am not supposed to tell anything 'yet' about this.
but the suspense, or is it close to anxiety, is getting on my nerves.

the deliberation for promotion is scheduled today.
i have been in the board since October but i was disqualified because of poor attendance.
i did not contest that decision. i really am almost, always late.
my fault. i know.
the "i live in Navotas" excuse sound flimsy even in my ears.

but i changed. or to put it in much convincing words, i tried.
i know there is visible improvement in me.
even my supervisor and manager told me so.
i just dont think it's enough.

there is no problem with my performance.
i know.
ive got a VERY GOOD PERFORMANCE rating in the last Performance Appraisal.
that is equivalent to a 4 from a 1-5 rating range with 5 as the highest.
my new manager told me so too.
i just have the VERY bad feeling that it isnt enough.

i know i did want to leave the company. remember? MDSP?
but since they did not approve of me because "i am an important member of the group"
i rearranged all my plans to be as exceptional in my job as they wanted me to be.
i am not saying that they SHOULD give me the promotion because they held me tight right here.
but because i believe that i deserve it.
i know i did work hard for this.
i never failed to meet my commitments just because im late.

sigh.

all this blabbering will not take me up there.
and in the back of my mind i kept asking SOMEONE up there to listen.
i wanted an entirely different thing a month ago.
but it was not given to me.
and i know everything happens for a reason.
i hope this is HIS'.