i, mother

my children spent the holidays with us last year.

considering the size of our room and my children's capability to bring about a complete mayhem, that two-week vacation was a disaster.

my laundry increased by 150%.
the clothes drawer was overflowing.
toys scattered everywhere.
leftovers all over the bed.

it was a mess.

i need to prepare two kinds of meal because my children are very pick.
i need to clean the room more than 4 times a day to be acceptable for comfort.
i need to shower 2 hard-headed (but cute, of course) children before bed time.
i need to read 3 stories before they close their eyes.

it was all a disorder.

my sleep was reduced to 4 hours a day.
my cross stitching time was zero.
my books to read piled up.

it was all exhausting.

but..

i get gazillion kisses everyday.
we get to stay up late and watch our favorite cartoons together.
we eat ice cream and make a mess of ourselves.
we go shopping together for new clothes.
i get embraces all through the night.
we make fun together.
we laugh out loud.
we run and play.
we joke around.

and we love.

it was the best holiday ever. i would not have had it any other way.

WANT.

This blog is inspired by Ms. Tia, the girl who wrote the blog which never failed to tell me to never stop believing. Game on.


Life list of wants..


I want to write. Have my own book. Write children stories which i can tell my children before we go to sleep. So they would go dreaming happy dreams.

I want to have enough money to buy myself a house. in there we would build a home, dada, jam, lexi and me. it would have that wonderful kitchen i would dominate, cooking and baking and discovering ways of providing good food. (well, good for me, for sure.)

I want to go to a culinary school. so i could make that (please see above) good food. for everyone to enjoy. (or not.)

I want to learn how to make bonsai plants. it amazes me. and i want to be a part of something amazing.

I want to compose songs I would later hear in radio as the most requested.

I want to be a teacher. I want to tell the children that they can be whoever they want to be as long as they believe it. I want to inspire people. To tell them to be an inspiration to others as well.

I want to pursue my masters. I want to review, again, for the board exams and hopefully pass. (please. please. please.)

I want to be a good mother. i want to be the one my children will run to when they picked up a fight in school. i want to be the one they share their secrets with. i want to be their number one fan.

I want to retire from work early. when i could still fly around the world. 0r the Philippines at least.

I want to live long enough to see my grandchildren. and be that good mother all over again.

Today, I learned

im totally broke.
im running in vapors.
im living off by borrowed money.
and somehow, suprisingly, im thankful.

there is so much that i dont have. i dont have savings.
no spare change. no loose cash.

and all the time i was much focused on these things,
trying to find ways to have those things that i dont.
i couldnt call it wishful thinking, it was too close to obsession.

and i noticed, in the passage of time, with these thoughts clouding
both my mind and my heart that i grew restless.
my emotions tend to get so heavy and i am almost always
on the verge of tears.

i began finding faults in people.
i started blaming others, including my family, for the kind of situation im in.
i found no peace.

one day, my daughter, in her most talkative state, was recalling her experience in school.
she told us that they were studying colors.
and her teacher asked her what's the color of the sky.
she could have answered a blue. we were all expecting that.
but this is what she said,

'minsan, kulay itim ang langit.'

the simplicity of her words, drowned me.
sometimes the children are better equipped to understand the simplicity of life.

the sky may be black sometimes, maybe much longer than we wanted it to.
but it doesnt mean the sky isnt blue.

i dont need to have everything.
i just needed to appreciate everything that i have.
when i started doing that, i realized i have much more than i could have bargained.
i have a family who loves me.
i have two beautiful children who keeps me smiling.
i have a husband who supports me always.
and i have my life.

today, i learned.

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's day to all mothers in the world.

Happy mother's day to my mama, who worked, and still working to send me and my siblings to college. (oh, dont ask me about my father, i dont want to explain everything here.. now..)

Happy mother's day to my nanay (aunt) who took care of me and my siblings when my mama has to go to work. and takes care of my children now that i have to go to work.

Happy mother's day to all mothers, who in one way or another have loved unconditionally, without questions and without exceptions, to all the children of the world.

last night in Mel and Joey (a TV talk show) there was an anecdote about mothers.. it goes like this..

Ang puso ng isang ina ay laging para sa kanyang mga anak.
kapag tinanggal mo ito sa kanyang katawan at ikaw ay nadapa,
itatanong sa iyo ng puso, 'anak, nasaktan ka ba?'

i wont be able to do it justice if i translate it in english so i might as well explain it as i understand it. (which may or may not mean that i am in the right state of mind, so bear with me.)

when i first learned of my pregnancy, my mom didnt say it but i know she's heartbroken. i know she trusts me to be the responsible one. that someone who knows how to handle her responsibilities and knows her priorities.

and somehow i know i failed her. bigtime.

but instead of telling me how big a disappointment i am to her, she took me to her OB, the same one who helped her get through her pregnancy with me, she bought me my vitamins, she took care of me, she held my hand that day when i gave birth to a smiling baby boy.

she never told me i was wrong. or i made a bad decision. or i messed up our plans. she just re-arranged everything to give way to the new addition to the family. she just re-made all plans to put me in the right place.

i know she made a lot of sacrifices. and i know how many nights she cried herself to sleep.

i will forever be in her debt.

i know she wasnt always there because of work. i know she didnt woke up early to help me prepare my siblings' lunch boxes. i know she didnt heard me call her name the night i cried my heart out. and it doesnt matter anymore.

i know she will always love me. for me. the good, the bad, and the little baby girl.

Random Things I Believe In

happy friday!


i really dont know how i should begin this, thinking i may well do the bullets, so here goes..

i believe...

• everything happens for a reason. things happen, good, bad and everything in between. i do not always understand the reasons, and in some cases that i do, i cannot accept it. but i believe that whatever it is, it will always end up good. no matter how bad it started.
• in that one true love. or if im being mushy today, soulmates. there is somebody out there meant specifically for each one of us. there are old maids or bachelors because they didnt meet their other halves in this life. maybe in another lifetime, in another form, in another life. but they will. WILL.
• there is goodness in every person and so is beauty.
• there is a higher power. UP there. who helped me through all the rocks and fences and boulders of life.
• in the strength of a family. when you feel that the world turned its back on you, you will find your family, standing there beside you, holding your hand.
• i cannot please everybody. i can try but i know it will just be a waste of my time. as long as im comfortable with myself and with what i do. i dont give a damn for whatever other people are saying.
• when im very tired, drinking milk will make me feel ok. (or is there some proven scientific fact for this?)
• that once in a while, it is okay to cry.
• that 'im sorry" is not the same as "its my fault".
• i cant expect anybody to love me as much as i do. but i am worth loving. (or so i wish, hehe)
• that its not 'seeing is believing'. believing is seeing. (i wish i could remember from which movie i got this. as far as i can recall, its about christmas)
• that half truths are still half lies. white lies, red lies, blue lies, even rainbow-colored lies are still lies.
• not, in the saying that 'what they dont know, wont hurt them.' because they will know. and it will hurt them doubly.
• that to earn respect, you should know how to give it.
• that children will believe in anything thier parents will say or do. even if its 'magically' changing one small chocolate kisses to a big one.
• that a toothache is worse than a headache, back ache, stomach ache, and body pains rolled into one.
• that spending a day in a beach is absolutely wonderful. LOVE.
• that when i love someone, you i everything about him. the way he smile, his laughters, his boyish ways. and i also love his nature of forgetting anniversaries, and his inability to put his clothes in the laundry basket rather than the floor. he is not perfect and so am i. but he loved me for who i am and who i can be. i am very much willing to return the favor.
• that every relationship has rough spots. and the trust with each other to go through the rocky roads together is the real measure of love.
• that people make mistakes. that i make mistakes. i can be bitchy sometimes. but what's important is the ability to admit mistakes and learn from it. telling sorry is a plus factor too.
• that it is hard to stay angry at any specific person for very long. it is stressful and tiring. no matter how grave the offense may be. forgiveness is divine.
• having a planner is very good. especially for me. i am a very forgetful person. i think im suffering from very-short-term memory loss.
• growing old is not about having white hair or wrinkled skin. (although of course you'll still have them) it is about having more life behind you. more wisdom from the years. better understanding. more love. more patience. and more beauty inside.
• that changing your hair conditioner in the middle of the week because you ran out of the usual will make your husband tell you that your hair smells like the dead.
• that its 15minutes from noon and i am hungry.
• that the most important belief that you should have, is that you believe in yourself.
• i do.

I found you

Good Morning!
sigh. ok. its really not a very good morning.
the red flag is up, im on my second day and i'm having a very nasty dysmenorrhea attack.

but this is not about why i feel im always on the edge of my seat and of my patience.

this is about my dream.

i remember well that before i slept last night i was thinking about my children's graduation and of course the money involved, necessary purchases needed for the next two weeks, and another set of enrollment for May. and maybe between my calculations and the dilemma of where to get the money, i fell asleep.

the first part i can relate to work, i recall looking for colored chalks because i need to write some instructions on the board. i think i wrote my name with my i.d. number.

it was then about my family when the scene changed, i was again looking for the colored chalks but they were not present anymore in the dream-specified location. i told my tita that maybe Jam, my son, took it. i called him and yes, the colored chalks were with him. he was giving it to me when instantly we were in the midst of a hurricane. the chalks were scattered everywhere because of the strong winds and i remember holding him tightly.

this is now the most important part of the dream..

when the wind cleared out, i was not part of the dream anymore, not one of the characters, just a viewer..

there was a child. in the middle of the ocean. he was holding tight to what-looks-like a raft and he was being attacked by a kraken (giant squid?). i could see the tentacles trying to break his hold.
he was crying out "no. dont. no."

then a voice said, "let go." and he did.

when he turned around, there was no kraken. but there was a man. a man i would recognize anywhere, anytime.

it was jesus christ. i know. i could see his face clearly. every feature is there.
he was in the water with the child. and everything was calm.

the child was so happy and he said. "salamat, salamat, mabuti na lang nakita kita." (thank you, thank you, good thing i found you."

and jesus christ told him smiling, "but you did not, i found you."

so i think the lord is telling me something.
i think after the numerous times i tried shouting in my head for Him to see me.
for Him to look at me. to help me.

and he told me to 'let go'
He did not say what i need to let go, but i think i know.

...cast your burdens upon me, those who are heavily laden...

and maybe i will. because finally, He found me.

Stained Glass

I will tell you about that Thursday.

History.

Anything can happen. Good things happen. Bad things happen. You can meet good people. You meet bad. You go up. Or you go down. There is good karma and there is bad karma. Good things happen almost everyday. One good thing at a time.

All bad things happen on thursdays.

I dont know when I started noticing it. But it does.

When I was in highschool, break-ups happen on thursdays. It was a thursday when I missed the one-day school interaction because I was sick. I received the news I will graduate salutatorian instead of the much-coveted-and-expected-already-prepared-valedictory-speech 1st place on a thursday.

When I was in college, I get surprise-I-dont-know-anything-havent-slept-due-to-design tests on thursdays. I got my class card with my first ever 3.0 grade on a thursday. I get stuck in traffic during thursdays. Always.

But this is not about my other hundred misfits during thursday. This is about THAT thursday.

Where to start?

My attendance for the last three years had been very bad. I accumulated a number of not-so-pleasing memos because of my tardiness. Both my immediate supervisor and manager have been monitoring my monthly attendance.

I travel for 2.5 hours from our home to work. My trip consists of a 3-minute walk, 5-minute tricycle ride, 15-minute bus ride, 25-minute train ride and a 90-minute bus ride. That's minus the technical failures of the LRT, and the heavy traffic at SLEX due to road widening projects of the so-called government.

I now have an average of 5 tardy days a month. Ive been worse.

So I've been trying really hard to keep my attendance at a good light. Ive suceeded so far.

Then thursday. I am late. Not a good way to start the morning.

That day, my manager sent me a summary of my tardiness for last month. Not a good sight either.

What happened next?

I went through my daily routine, e-mails, follow-ups, file reviews, reading blogs in between, reports, the usual. And then...

A week ago we decided to organize a "savings group" every payday, every member of the group is required to give a decided amount of money and one member is to receive the sum. This will continue until every one in the group received the same amount of money. It was like saving for the rainy days.

The problem begins when everyone claims his rainy day will come at one chosen date. And everyone wanted to receive the lump sum first. or second, at the least.. which is entirely, absolutely IMPOSSIBLE!

So to make things fair, I raffled the numbers. Each one will pick a number from the box to represent the date of his "salary". Easier said than done. Because as soon as the person picked up his number, seeing it was not what he hoped for, all the babbles and the rabbles began again. I feel so completely harassed. As if I jinxed them so they would receive the last number or something.

After everyone had his pick, "some" (but of course it is still just someone) were still not contented and were still making a fuss about all it, threatening to withdraw his share, blathering about not wanting to be a part of the group anymore. What an @*$h0l3.

What could be worse?

A few months ago, somebody left a message in my friendster inbox asking me about my father. The first thing I noticed is that he's carrying my surname. So he got my interest. He gave the name of my father and asked if that person is my father. And so I answered yes. Being more conclusive than I should, I asked him if we have the same father.

He answered a yes.

Last tuesday, my father sent me a very weird text message, he told me he wanted to ask me something. And that he wanted to thank me beforehand for the question. I was supposed to meet them that day because it was my mother's birthday but I wasn't able to come and we didn't had the chance to talk about it.

Yesterday, it just occurred to me. I texted my dad and asked him if he was going to ask me about that somebody from friendster.

He answered a yes.

He told me he didnt where to begin. Or how to start explaining. He told me there would be the right place and time for that.

I told him he didnt need to explain anything to me. I'm old enough to know how the real world works.

I told him there's no easy way. No matter how he does it, it will still hurt. We dont know how the rest of the family will react to this but its something he has to face. Alone.

I told him there will never be the right place nor the right time for this stuff. It doesnt matter where, or when, delaying the fact doesnt change it. They will feel pain. Bigtime. He needs to tell it now, or soon, waiting for another 24 years will not help him. It will not help us either. I hope my mom's busy enough she wont miss reading my blog. This is something she should not know. Not from me anyway.

Well. Life sucks sometimes. Shit happens.

Genetically Read

I love reading. Definitely. I could spend an entire day doing nothing but read. (Well, if you count the times I tried reading the review material for the board exam, I lasted about 3 minutes. And that's actually an achievement.) My collection consists of love stories, FBI thrillers, Bob Ong's books, Harry Potter series, inspirationals, documentaries, vampire chronicles, comic books, and the reviewers (yes, even those).

The thing is, I read a lot. It relaxes me. It takes me to places Ive never been, tells me things Ive never known. It helps me with my emotions. I laugh, I cry, I get angry, I fear. This is my outlet. My window to the world.

*Commercial*
I rather read the book than watch the movie. Those writers, producers, directors or whoever it is responsible for the script tends to alter the chronology. They almost always do not follow the book. I dont like that. The first (and as of today, only) movie I've seen which is entirely adapted to the book is "The Green Mile". Loved the book. Loved the movie.
*End of Commercial*

I think its genetics. My mom is the main carrier. She's a reading freak. She reads entirely everything. As in everything. There are the common stuff like books, newspapers and magazines, but there are also the odd things like old newspapers that were already used to pack dried fish in the market (maybe she'll read my reviewer if I give it to her). It was more than a habit I think, more like an obsession. My sisters and I always go gaga over the lectures she gives us over what she read even if it sounds like a real nonsense. LOL. Love you ma. Cardboard siopaos are nonsense ma. Accept it.

Then there's my younger brother. He's so like me. We actually grew up together, having only 2 years of age difference. If he's not playing some wonderful (eyes rolling) computer game, or trying to do his program (he's an IT student), he's most probably reading. He borrowed every book in my collection. But he never bothered asking for the reviewer.

My younger sister loves reading too. But in a very weird way. She starts the book in the middle. Reads about 10 to 15 pages. Moves to the end of the book. Reads about the same number of pages. Then she starts flipping pages, reads a few. Loop. I don't know how she was able to finish any book she started using her method. She knows all the details though. I just dont know if she could retell the story in the exact order. Maybe she wants to be in the movie industry.

And the youngest. She doesnt read. She doesnt want to. End of story. (She's taking BS Education Major in English ?!shrugs?!).
See? Its genetics.