i, mother

my children spent the holidays with us last year.

considering the size of our room and my children's capability to bring about a complete mayhem, that two-week vacation was a disaster.

my laundry increased by 150%.
the clothes drawer was overflowing.
toys scattered everywhere.
leftovers all over the bed.

it was a mess.

i need to prepare two kinds of meal because my children are very pick.
i need to clean the room more than 4 times a day to be acceptable for comfort.
i need to shower 2 hard-headed (but cute, of course) children before bed time.
i need to read 3 stories before they close their eyes.

it was all a disorder.

my sleep was reduced to 4 hours a day.
my cross stitching time was zero.
my books to read piled up.

it was all exhausting.

but..

i get gazillion kisses everyday.
we get to stay up late and watch our favorite cartoons together.
we eat ice cream and make a mess of ourselves.
we go shopping together for new clothes.
i get embraces all through the night.
we make fun together.
we laugh out loud.
we run and play.
we joke around.

and we love.

it was the best holiday ever. i would not have had it any other way.

I found you

Good Morning!
sigh. ok. its really not a very good morning.
the red flag is up, im on my second day and i'm having a very nasty dysmenorrhea attack.

but this is not about why i feel im always on the edge of my seat and of my patience.

this is about my dream.

i remember well that before i slept last night i was thinking about my children's graduation and of course the money involved, necessary purchases needed for the next two weeks, and another set of enrollment for May. and maybe between my calculations and the dilemma of where to get the money, i fell asleep.

the first part i can relate to work, i recall looking for colored chalks because i need to write some instructions on the board. i think i wrote my name with my i.d. number.

it was then about my family when the scene changed, i was again looking for the colored chalks but they were not present anymore in the dream-specified location. i told my tita that maybe Jam, my son, took it. i called him and yes, the colored chalks were with him. he was giving it to me when instantly we were in the midst of a hurricane. the chalks were scattered everywhere because of the strong winds and i remember holding him tightly.

this is now the most important part of the dream..

when the wind cleared out, i was not part of the dream anymore, not one of the characters, just a viewer..

there was a child. in the middle of the ocean. he was holding tight to what-looks-like a raft and he was being attacked by a kraken (giant squid?). i could see the tentacles trying to break his hold.
he was crying out "no. dont. no."

then a voice said, "let go." and he did.

when he turned around, there was no kraken. but there was a man. a man i would recognize anywhere, anytime.

it was jesus christ. i know. i could see his face clearly. every feature is there.
he was in the water with the child. and everything was calm.

the child was so happy and he said. "salamat, salamat, mabuti na lang nakita kita." (thank you, thank you, good thing i found you."

and jesus christ told him smiling, "but you did not, i found you."

so i think the lord is telling me something.
i think after the numerous times i tried shouting in my head for Him to see me.
for Him to look at me. to help me.

and he told me to 'let go'
He did not say what i need to let go, but i think i know.

...cast your burdens upon me, those who are heavily laden...

and maybe i will. because finally, He found me.

My Moon

This is Jam.

His full name is Jameir Russ Karsten M. Ancaja.

Yup, he's mine.

Carried him for 9 months.

Labored for 2 days.

Went out in the real world in broad daylight.

Born on October 16, 2001. He was a gift.

My moon.

I met his father when I was only 13. We had this ON-OFF kind of relationship all 3 years of highschool because I was studying in Manila and he has to stay in our province.

It was November 2000 when we got together again. I'm 17. It was a serious kind of relationship this time since we were both in college and he's staying near our home.

I was spending most of my non-school hours at his place. My mother approves of him.

My grandmother is friends with his family. My sister calls him "kuya" (big brother).

We were meant for each other.

It was the reason I allowed myself to cross the lines I created for my benefit. Believing that we will get married soon enough. Or that our futures are meant for that.

Apparently, he misunderstood this as a bad change for me. That I was way too liberated for him.

That he wasnt the first. That it wasn't my first time.

I celebrated my debut January. I found out about my pregnancy by February.

I told him this news. He even bought me fruits. He even laid his head on my belly even if I was only 2 weeks pregnant. It was almost too good to be true.

It was until that time when I realized he was not the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Not the person I would pick to father my children.

I did not wish to marry him. Nor wanted to settle things with his family. I did not even ask him to take responsibility for the baby. I left.

My relationship with him is like being covered each day with dark storm clouds.

I was always struggling to see some light.

When I left him I was still in the dark. I have no idea of how to do everything alone. And worst of all, I am helplessly in love with him.

Although I have my family for support, they cannot carry the emotional struggle within me. They could not grasp how much I've been waiting for him to come and get me out of my misery. And how much I hated myself for that.

Good thing I have my moon in me. The reason I still wake up each day to go to school in my maternity dress. The reason I stopped crying in the bathroom when the emotions get too heavy.

The reason I am here now. Stronger. Braver. And Happier. More than I've ever been.

Now, Jam is 7. He's first his class. Active. Smart. And happy.

He will always shine when the sun shies away in my life.

Stranded

The semicon business is now in its downturn.
There is very, very low man-power requirement and most of us here are in a state of dreadful doubt of losing our jobs.

Some already chose to leave the company to look for better opportunities abroad.

And some who already spent the last twenty years running the rat race decided to retire and spend their remaining limbs resting on some old wooden rocking chair near the beach.

I can do neither.

First, I have a binding contract to work for this company for the next 3-4 years. This is because of the scholarship program they have given me when I was in college. Resigning would mean I need to pay for all they have spent for my education. Sadly, I dont have that kind of money.

Second, I am sending my kids to school. My hubby always wanted me to stay home to be the loving housewife he dreams about. I would gladly take the challenge. But that means he has to support us, food, shelter education, all the like. BUT, he doesn't earn enough for that. He earns well, but not enough for growing children.

I need this job. I know I do. What I do not know is if the JOB needs me. The last few weeks have been very dull. Our work load is low as well and I've been spending most of my office hours doing nothing but reading blogs, surfing the net and waiting for my email to update its folders. (Not that I am against it.)

But not being productive may mean that I have no worth in the company, which, in this time of crisis, would mean I could be laid off. And no, I cannot accept that.

I am afraid of what is to come. I've been trying to convince myself that the company cannot take this job away from me because of the contract. That they could not waste all those money they spent for me. That they need the intellectual property I have.

But the horrifying truth is that THEY ACTUALLY CAN, THEY ACTUALLY COULD, and THEY ACTUALLY DONT.

What's worse with this is that I dont know where to go from here. This was not part of the long-term plan I made. I cannot leave on my own but if they DO lay me off I will come face-to-face with the real world unprepared. And I cannot accept that either.

I know I have to do something. But what is there to do?

Miranda Residence. Palauig, Zambales

This is our home in Palauig, Zambales. My children are staying here while I work in Laguna. I only see them once a month.





At least they have a very wide play ground.

Its my Anniversary

Yesterday was our 6th year anniversary. It was absolutely wonderful.

I gave hubby 6 different gifts as a symbol of each year we had together.

(As he was opening the gifts, we was murmuring about not going to receive any gifts for Christmas. How can he think of such things? I already finished my christmas giftlist (hmm..ok, not quite, but I will..very soon) and I have planned it all out.)

So this is the gift list:

1. Digital Clock

He already told me (well, kind of hinted through a very far from the topic conversation) that he wanted a digital clock because the wall clock isnt working anymore (no, its not the battery, I already changed it but still wont work) and I found it to be a very good symbol of our first year together.

We were still in college during our first year and like all other early relationships, we are so glued together. We wanted to spend every minute together, that is if we do not have any classes, which sums up to only 3 hours a day (1 hour in the morning before class, 1 during lunch break and 1 during the trip home) all because our class schedules complicate things a bit. So time has been very important to us. We rarely go out during the weekends because he's a sleep freak. Its either he's at school or he's sleeping. Nothing in between. Normally we stay up late if we wanted to have more time.

2. A coin bank

Our second year was when we moved in together (see full story below). We were still both in college (he's graduating and I'm in my last year). We were financially zero. He's sending me to school, he's buying my vitamins, he needs to pay for monthly check-ups and we need to eat. He found work eventually after graduation but his salary was not enough to secure all our financial needs. I remember he only buys two packs of biscuits for lunch because I needed a much decent meal. (I will forever be thankful for this.) We try to save as much as we can for the coming baby (again, full story below). Now, I hope we save enough to buy ourselves a home of our own.

3. Picture Mosaic of Dada and Lexi

Lexi is our little girl. The news of pregancy arrived September, three months before his graduation and I was in my last year in college (yes, some colleges do not make a fuss about pregnant students.)

This really breaks my heart but I'll tell you about it. We actually agreed on not having the baby yet. (Lexi, if in case you read about this when you grow up, I am very, very sorry. You know I love you very much.) We are both "still" financially supported by our parents, he doesnt have work yet, I still have to finish school and I already have Jam (This is one long story, so lets talk about it some other time). We were practically, emotionally, and financially not prepared. But then my parents accidentally caught me having those pregancy morning sickness and they knew. (Of course they would, I dont know how but parents usually know about these things but they do, did not even ask me if I have an upset stomache or something. shrugzs?!) And they decided to hand me over..hehehe. But I was really happy that my hubby stood up for me. He took us (me and the baby) in. And he took the responsibility over me. whew!?

We moved in together at his parents house around December (I think.. it could have been earlier, I am sorry I cannot remember the exact date). He started looking for work right after graduation (Thank you very much baby!) and I went back to school. Lexi was born June 5. And she's an angel. I know he loves her very much. And she loves him as well. I was so glad that the picture I chose for the mosaic was his favorite photo of them together. Good thing I followed my instincts.

4. Two bracelet-type rosary with our birthstones.

This is our bumpiest year ever. We had more misunderstandings than we can handle. We almost always fight. We lost trust, we doubt, we were both paranoid. I admit this is my fault. and although he already forgave me for my mistakes, I know I will make up for this for the rest of our lives together.

We learned that revenge will only make things worse. We struggled to hold the relationship together. There were times when giving up was the only sensible thing to do but we tried. Because we know that behind all the anger, and the fear of hurt we still love each other. And that is reason worthy to hold on.

5. An 8-in-1 screw driver set with torch

Aside from the fact that he loves hardwares, I needed something to represent fixing things. Something we did during the year. We fixed things up. We tried to correct our mistakes, made up for our shortcomings. We tried to listen before we judge. We started trusting again. We calmly talked about it, what went wrong and tried to come up with measures to not make the same mistakes again. We talked about what we didnt like about what happened, what we didnt like about each other and what we like for ourselves. It was hard trying to forget about how much pain we went through and we do not have a guarantee that we wont get hurt again. But as Noah (of the Notebook) said, its the possibility, not the guarantee, that kept us going on. And we did.

6. A small plant

I wanted this to represent growth. Considering our fixing-up year, I saw this plant to symbolize us as being born again and we need continuously take care of each other to survive and to live. I know we will.