Maybe.. Someday..

October 15, 2010
In my room

I remembered I cried during Leovina’s wedding. I saw her walking down the aisle and it undid me.

I was crying for so many reasons.

I was crying because she is my dear friend and I am very happy for her. She found her perfect other half and has finally, after all her stress in the wedding preparations, committed in spending the rest of her life with him.

I was crying because I never wanted anything else so badly in my life than walking that aisle too. I so wanted to get married. I was imagining myself in her shoes. Guided by the song I made exactly for my wedding. I imagine I would be crying too. Crying because of too much happiness and overflowing emotions. In tears but with a great big smile. Up front I’ll find my dada, wearing an equally big smile, waiting for me.

I was crying because I was and am so afraid that its not going to happen to me. I know my dada loves me in his own way. I know he still wants to be with me. But after all the pain I’ve caused him, after all his love I’ve lost, I don’t believe he still has enough love to marry me. I am so afraid that I may wait for so long yet he doesn’t have it in him anymore.

I was crying because I knew for a fact that my dada wanted to give me a big wedding. Because I do know how much he loved me then. And I know how much less he loves me now.

I was crying because I think my own wedding would only be a dream.

this is me speaking

i am putting this up in my blog so the world will know...

i am a liar. and i'm good at it.

i'm probably lying right now and you wouldn't know the difference.

but i would. so who am i fooling?

exactly 12 hours before now, i actually believed lying is not that big deal.

right now i'm thinking how i could have lived with myself believing this.

last night i was on the verge of losing everything i have and everyone i love because of my lies.

and i was asked, is this what i'm going to teach my children? is this how i want them to grow up? i think i'd rather drown myself than walk up to them and tell them i lost everything for me and for them because i'm a liar. i will never be able to forgive myself.

i haven't had sleep for the last 32hours and i tell you, its not only in the 'judgement day' that you see your whole life flashed in front of you.

sometimes, it can happen lying awake at night thinking how stupid you are for making the same mistakes over and over again. and that you're not getting off this time. so you see how beautiful everything you have, the same everything you're about to lose. and it hurts like hell.

i am stupid. i am a liar and i am stupid.

i never saw it this way before. that honesty and trust goes together. and yeah, well, i thought the whole world revolves around me too. so i am a liar, i am stupid and i am a fool.

and i have never been so ashamed of myself.

i am not making promises here. i just want you to listen. i just want to let everyone know what i will try to do.

i am going to everyone i know i've lied to, even with the simplest of things, and i'm going to say i'm sorry. especially to those who i love the most. because you just don't hurt the ones you love. its easier said that done, i know. my instincts to protect myself will be there. but i learned the hard way that i lose more of myself by protecting it that way. and so i'm going to try. because i really really am sorry for what i did. for what i have become.

its not much. and it cant undo what had been done. i cant remove the pain i've caused and i cant actually prove myself for doing this. but i have to do something. i have start somewhere.

you know what, this morning, fate did its funny way of mocking me some more. i was asked to call for my daughter's assignment, when i did this was what she needed, write 2-3 sentences of how you could show honesty.

it took me quite a long hard time to grow up. i guess i finally did.