Moving Backwards

I know now.
I was not ready to forgive you.
You did not give me enough time to heal.
You forced me to move forward too soon.
That now, I'm having a hard time reconciling what my heart is feeling and what my mind is telling.
I'm failing to understand why I keep on loving the one person who hurt me the most.

Undiluted Fear

For the first time in my life, I fear for me.

I have been trying to hold back in taking this step for as long as I can remember.

The past years I was just trying to get out of the hole I myself dug.
There were no excuses, only justifications of the why.
I could not bear to even think about it, I was too ashamed.
All I wanted was redemption. Freedom from guilt. From sin.

The path I chosen was never easy. I preferred it that way.
It was my means of making amends.
So I did what I have to do. I did what is asked of me.
I did what I thought will save us. I crawled.

I was under false hopes that I was making progress.
I thought I was building something, a foundation for permanence.
Yet, after I pulled myself out of the depths of error,
I am forced to admit I am, again, wrong.

Now, I fear.
I fear that everything that happened lead me to this.
I fear the realization I have been standing on the edge of this cliff
I fear that I wanted to jump off and just... fall.

Maybe.. Someday..

October 15, 2010
In my room

I remembered I cried during Leovina’s wedding. I saw her walking down the aisle and it undid me.

I was crying for so many reasons.

I was crying because she is my dear friend and I am very happy for her. She found her perfect other half and has finally, after all her stress in the wedding preparations, committed in spending the rest of her life with him.

I was crying because I never wanted anything else so badly in my life than walking that aisle too. I so wanted to get married. I was imagining myself in her shoes. Guided by the song I made exactly for my wedding. I imagine I would be crying too. Crying because of too much happiness and overflowing emotions. In tears but with a great big smile. Up front I’ll find my dada, wearing an equally big smile, waiting for me.

I was crying because I was and am so afraid that its not going to happen to me. I know my dada loves me in his own way. I know he still wants to be with me. But after all the pain I’ve caused him, after all his love I’ve lost, I don’t believe he still has enough love to marry me. I am so afraid that I may wait for so long yet he doesn’t have it in him anymore.

I was crying because I knew for a fact that my dada wanted to give me a big wedding. Because I do know how much he loved me then. And I know how much less he loves me now.

I was crying because I think my own wedding would only be a dream.

this is me speaking

i am putting this up in my blog so the world will know...

i am a liar. and i'm good at it.

i'm probably lying right now and you wouldn't know the difference.

but i would. so who am i fooling?

exactly 12 hours before now, i actually believed lying is not that big deal.

right now i'm thinking how i could have lived with myself believing this.

last night i was on the verge of losing everything i have and everyone i love because of my lies.

and i was asked, is this what i'm going to teach my children? is this how i want them to grow up? i think i'd rather drown myself than walk up to them and tell them i lost everything for me and for them because i'm a liar. i will never be able to forgive myself.

i haven't had sleep for the last 32hours and i tell you, its not only in the 'judgement day' that you see your whole life flashed in front of you.

sometimes, it can happen lying awake at night thinking how stupid you are for making the same mistakes over and over again. and that you're not getting off this time. so you see how beautiful everything you have, the same everything you're about to lose. and it hurts like hell.

i am stupid. i am a liar and i am stupid.

i never saw it this way before. that honesty and trust goes together. and yeah, well, i thought the whole world revolves around me too. so i am a liar, i am stupid and i am a fool.

and i have never been so ashamed of myself.

i am not making promises here. i just want you to listen. i just want to let everyone know what i will try to do.

i am going to everyone i know i've lied to, even with the simplest of things, and i'm going to say i'm sorry. especially to those who i love the most. because you just don't hurt the ones you love. its easier said that done, i know. my instincts to protect myself will be there. but i learned the hard way that i lose more of myself by protecting it that way. and so i'm going to try. because i really really am sorry for what i did. for what i have become.

its not much. and it cant undo what had been done. i cant remove the pain i've caused and i cant actually prove myself for doing this. but i have to do something. i have start somewhere.

you know what, this morning, fate did its funny way of mocking me some more. i was asked to call for my daughter's assignment, when i did this was what she needed, write 2-3 sentences of how you could show honesty.

it took me quite a long hard time to grow up. i guess i finally did.

i, mother

my children spent the holidays with us last year.

considering the size of our room and my children's capability to bring about a complete mayhem, that two-week vacation was a disaster.

my laundry increased by 150%.
the clothes drawer was overflowing.
toys scattered everywhere.
leftovers all over the bed.

it was a mess.

i need to prepare two kinds of meal because my children are very pick.
i need to clean the room more than 4 times a day to be acceptable for comfort.
i need to shower 2 hard-headed (but cute, of course) children before bed time.
i need to read 3 stories before they close their eyes.

it was all a disorder.

my sleep was reduced to 4 hours a day.
my cross stitching time was zero.
my books to read piled up.

it was all exhausting.

but..

i get gazillion kisses everyday.
we get to stay up late and watch our favorite cartoons together.
we eat ice cream and make a mess of ourselves.
we go shopping together for new clothes.
i get embraces all through the night.
we make fun together.
we laugh out loud.
we run and play.
we joke around.

and we love.

it was the best holiday ever. i would not have had it any other way.

Today, I learned

im totally broke.
im running in vapors.
im living off by borrowed money.
and somehow, suprisingly, im thankful.

there is so much that i dont have. i dont have savings.
no spare change. no loose cash.

and all the time i was much focused on these things,
trying to find ways to have those things that i dont.
i couldnt call it wishful thinking, it was too close to obsession.

and i noticed, in the passage of time, with these thoughts clouding
both my mind and my heart that i grew restless.
my emotions tend to get so heavy and i am almost always
on the verge of tears.

i began finding faults in people.
i started blaming others, including my family, for the kind of situation im in.
i found no peace.

one day, my daughter, in her most talkative state, was recalling her experience in school.
she told us that they were studying colors.
and her teacher asked her what's the color of the sky.
she could have answered a blue. we were all expecting that.
but this is what she said,

'minsan, kulay itim ang langit.'

the simplicity of her words, drowned me.
sometimes the children are better equipped to understand the simplicity of life.

the sky may be black sometimes, maybe much longer than we wanted it to.
but it doesnt mean the sky isnt blue.

i dont need to have everything.
i just needed to appreciate everything that i have.
when i started doing that, i realized i have much more than i could have bargained.
i have a family who loves me.
i have two beautiful children who keeps me smiling.
i have a husband who supports me always.
and i have my life.

today, i learned.

Plurk Post >> Define True Love?!?

ok.

i will not pretend to be a love guru or something. nor act as if i have the perfect true love in my life. as a disclaimer, i am having everyone to be aware that anything you read here is entirely MY opinion on the matter and any violent reactions and/or bitter responses will obviously be overlooked to the sense of almost ignored. so you might as well realize that you cannot do anything about it.

lets get back to business. true love. define.

i believe this discussion started with the song 'Captured' which in my point of view is a rather good song. not on top of my playlist since i only heard it yesterday, but the story was quite ok.

it was, as they say, a little shifted to the 'ideal' love story. being 'captured' to that one person and loving him to last a happy ever after. and that it can only happen in the movies.

since i am bound to my own opinion, i both agree and disagree.

i do know that every girl in the entire world have, in one way or another, whipped up their ideal man, relationship and love affair. and i do know that it is not healthy to be living in the midst of unneccesary likeness to the ideals.

but love in its truest sense is ideal.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

with this in mind, i can say that love endures time. endures all hardships. all trials. all boulders of life. and love resides in happiness, contentment and peace.

and anybody who says otherwise is either not in the right state of mind or just havent found that one true love.

its just that love is not always about romance, and candlelight dinners. it cannot be measured by how men understand the complexity of women, nor the ability to be always at the right place at the right time.

love is being able to sit down together, not talk and yet be comfortable.
love is being able to see his faults as often as you see yours. then make up for it.
love is being able to say sorry and forgive as well.
love is being able to be yourself and be one with him all at the same time.
love is being able to listen with your heart.
love is being able to trust blindly.

i do not say that being in love with someone is always being up in cloud nine. and i do not promise that it will not hurt. and i myself do not claim that i have the best in life.

i remember i was once confused with this love definition because of these quotes:

If you love someone, you have to love him without expecting anything in return.
and
Love is give and take.
The first quote is one way. the second, a two-way love. so which is true?

Instead of being entirely mystified, i made my own quote:
love is give and receive.

so in one way, you love without expecting anything back and if the one you love, loves you as well, he will do the same thing. so you receive.

and maybe the reason why people stopped believing in true love is because they keep on waiting to receive the same amount of love they give. that instead of continually giving in that love, they keep on expecting on the amount of love they can take back. and so they get hurt.

i always believed in that one true love. or if im being mushy today, soulmates. there is somebody out there meant specifically for each one of us. there are old maids or bachelors because they didnt meet their other halves in this life. maybe in another lifetime, in another form, in another life. but they will. WILL. (taken in random-things-i-believe-in)

so stop moping around you lot and start looking for your true love. he's just there. somewhere.

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's day to all mothers in the world.

Happy mother's day to my mama, who worked, and still working to send me and my siblings to college. (oh, dont ask me about my father, i dont want to explain everything here.. now..)

Happy mother's day to my nanay (aunt) who took care of me and my siblings when my mama has to go to work. and takes care of my children now that i have to go to work.

Happy mother's day to all mothers, who in one way or another have loved unconditionally, without questions and without exceptions, to all the children of the world.

last night in Mel and Joey (a TV talk show) there was an anecdote about mothers.. it goes like this..

Ang puso ng isang ina ay laging para sa kanyang mga anak.
kapag tinanggal mo ito sa kanyang katawan at ikaw ay nadapa,
itatanong sa iyo ng puso, 'anak, nasaktan ka ba?'

i wont be able to do it justice if i translate it in english so i might as well explain it as i understand it. (which may or may not mean that i am in the right state of mind, so bear with me.)

when i first learned of my pregnancy, my mom didnt say it but i know she's heartbroken. i know she trusts me to be the responsible one. that someone who knows how to handle her responsibilities and knows her priorities.

and somehow i know i failed her. bigtime.

but instead of telling me how big a disappointment i am to her, she took me to her OB, the same one who helped her get through her pregnancy with me, she bought me my vitamins, she took care of me, she held my hand that day when i gave birth to a smiling baby boy.

she never told me i was wrong. or i made a bad decision. or i messed up our plans. she just re-arranged everything to give way to the new addition to the family. she just re-made all plans to put me in the right place.

i know she made a lot of sacrifices. and i know how many nights she cried herself to sleep.

i will forever be in her debt.

i know she wasnt always there because of work. i know she didnt woke up early to help me prepare my siblings' lunch boxes. i know she didnt heard me call her name the night i cried my heart out. and it doesnt matter anymore.

i know she will always love me. for me. the good, the bad, and the little baby girl.

Random Things I Believe In

happy friday!


i really dont know how i should begin this, thinking i may well do the bullets, so here goes..

i believe...

• everything happens for a reason. things happen, good, bad and everything in between. i do not always understand the reasons, and in some cases that i do, i cannot accept it. but i believe that whatever it is, it will always end up good. no matter how bad it started.
• in that one true love. or if im being mushy today, soulmates. there is somebody out there meant specifically for each one of us. there are old maids or bachelors because they didnt meet their other halves in this life. maybe in another lifetime, in another form, in another life. but they will. WILL.
• there is goodness in every person and so is beauty.
• there is a higher power. UP there. who helped me through all the rocks and fences and boulders of life.
• in the strength of a family. when you feel that the world turned its back on you, you will find your family, standing there beside you, holding your hand.
• i cannot please everybody. i can try but i know it will just be a waste of my time. as long as im comfortable with myself and with what i do. i dont give a damn for whatever other people are saying.
• when im very tired, drinking milk will make me feel ok. (or is there some proven scientific fact for this?)
• that once in a while, it is okay to cry.
• that 'im sorry" is not the same as "its my fault".
• i cant expect anybody to love me as much as i do. but i am worth loving. (or so i wish, hehe)
• that its not 'seeing is believing'. believing is seeing. (i wish i could remember from which movie i got this. as far as i can recall, its about christmas)
• that half truths are still half lies. white lies, red lies, blue lies, even rainbow-colored lies are still lies.
• not, in the saying that 'what they dont know, wont hurt them.' because they will know. and it will hurt them doubly.
• that to earn respect, you should know how to give it.
• that children will believe in anything thier parents will say or do. even if its 'magically' changing one small chocolate kisses to a big one.
• that a toothache is worse than a headache, back ache, stomach ache, and body pains rolled into one.
• that spending a day in a beach is absolutely wonderful. LOVE.
• that when i love someone, you i everything about him. the way he smile, his laughters, his boyish ways. and i also love his nature of forgetting anniversaries, and his inability to put his clothes in the laundry basket rather than the floor. he is not perfect and so am i. but he loved me for who i am and who i can be. i am very much willing to return the favor.
• that every relationship has rough spots. and the trust with each other to go through the rocky roads together is the real measure of love.
• that people make mistakes. that i make mistakes. i can be bitchy sometimes. but what's important is the ability to admit mistakes and learn from it. telling sorry is a plus factor too.
• that it is hard to stay angry at any specific person for very long. it is stressful and tiring. no matter how grave the offense may be. forgiveness is divine.
• having a planner is very good. especially for me. i am a very forgetful person. i think im suffering from very-short-term memory loss.
• growing old is not about having white hair or wrinkled skin. (although of course you'll still have them) it is about having more life behind you. more wisdom from the years. better understanding. more love. more patience. and more beauty inside.
• that changing your hair conditioner in the middle of the week because you ran out of the usual will make your husband tell you that your hair smells like the dead.
• that its 15minutes from noon and i am hungry.
• that the most important belief that you should have, is that you believe in yourself.
• i do.

I found you

Good Morning!
sigh. ok. its really not a very good morning.
the red flag is up, im on my second day and i'm having a very nasty dysmenorrhea attack.

but this is not about why i feel im always on the edge of my seat and of my patience.

this is about my dream.

i remember well that before i slept last night i was thinking about my children's graduation and of course the money involved, necessary purchases needed for the next two weeks, and another set of enrollment for May. and maybe between my calculations and the dilemma of where to get the money, i fell asleep.

the first part i can relate to work, i recall looking for colored chalks because i need to write some instructions on the board. i think i wrote my name with my i.d. number.

it was then about my family when the scene changed, i was again looking for the colored chalks but they were not present anymore in the dream-specified location. i told my tita that maybe Jam, my son, took it. i called him and yes, the colored chalks were with him. he was giving it to me when instantly we were in the midst of a hurricane. the chalks were scattered everywhere because of the strong winds and i remember holding him tightly.

this is now the most important part of the dream..

when the wind cleared out, i was not part of the dream anymore, not one of the characters, just a viewer..

there was a child. in the middle of the ocean. he was holding tight to what-looks-like a raft and he was being attacked by a kraken (giant squid?). i could see the tentacles trying to break his hold.
he was crying out "no. dont. no."

then a voice said, "let go." and he did.

when he turned around, there was no kraken. but there was a man. a man i would recognize anywhere, anytime.

it was jesus christ. i know. i could see his face clearly. every feature is there.
he was in the water with the child. and everything was calm.

the child was so happy and he said. "salamat, salamat, mabuti na lang nakita kita." (thank you, thank you, good thing i found you."

and jesus christ told him smiling, "but you did not, i found you."

so i think the lord is telling me something.
i think after the numerous times i tried shouting in my head for Him to see me.
for Him to look at me. to help me.

and he told me to 'let go'
He did not say what i need to let go, but i think i know.

...cast your burdens upon me, those who are heavily laden...

and maybe i will. because finally, He found me.

false freedom

**due to insistent public request and/or demand for whatsoever purpose it may serve, i am editing this post to satisfy their love and respect for the english language.. ok, ok, my translations were a bit off.. (love you.. Lav..)


it was so close. i was so close.

the plan was already laid out.

• we (gorgeous and sexy leovina ..now she has to pay me for this.. and i) already called DOST for the MS scholarship.
• called Mapua and La Salle for the MS requirements.
• downloaded necessary forms.
• sent my application for the teaching position.
• Mapua already called to validate my availability for April school year and schedule me for an interview.
• expenses for March and April, until the check was released, already secured.
• need not to travel from Manila to Laguna everyday.
• am going to take my Masters, review for the board and teach part-time.

the only thing that's blocking my way is one signature. THE signature.

our company did not escape the economic crisis. it is the business' demand to cut-off some heads in the company payroll. with this, the admin released a Management Decided Separation Program (MDSP) for all employees.

it took me two weeks to arrive at the decision to avail of this program. (two gruesome-mind-boggling-headache-filled weeks) It was February 20, 2009 when i took courage to speak of my plans to my immediate supervisor and my manager. the discussion went like this:

CarlQ: Iha, you are safe for the time being. You are not included in the list of those who will be redundated.

EmmaA: Yes sir. Pero po.. (Yes sir. But..)

JeffL: Naku, mag-aapply sya. (Oh no. She will avail of the program)

EmmaA: Yes sir.

CarlQ: Bakit naman? (Can you tell me why?)

EmmaA: Ganito po kasi yun sir. Kahit saan po wala naman tayong kasiguruhan. Wala akong kasiguruhan sa labas. Pero wala rin akong kasiguruhan dito. Ang pagkakaiba po sir, kahit wala akong kasiguruhan sa labas, alam ko na meron akong magagawa, at meron akong desisyon sa kung saan man ako pupunta. Dito po, wala rin naman akong kasiguruhan eh. Pero wala rin akong magagawa. Maghihintay lang ako. (The reason for this sir is that I know there is no guarantee on everything. There is no guarantee outside this company. But there is no guarantee in here as well. The difference is that, though I do not know what will happen to me when I leave, I know I can do something about it. And I can make my own decision on where I want to go. If I stay here, I do not know, as well, what will happen to us. And I cannot do anything about it. My only choice is to wait.)

JeffL: Oo nga naman, kesa si LQ (test engineering director) lang ang magdesisyon ng buhay mo. At least alam ko na pinag-isipan mo talagang mabuti ang desisyon mo. (You do have a point, instead of just letting LQ to decide for your life. I am thankful that you have put a lot of thought on your options before coming to this decision.)

CarlQ: Ano naman ang plano mo iha kung sakaling ma-approve ka? (So what are your plans if ever you will be approved?)

EmmaA: Gusto ko po sanang magturo. Balak din po namin ni Leovina na mag-take ng Masters.. (I would like to try my skills in the academe. Leovina and I also have plans of getting a Masters Degree.)

(-personal talk here.. blah. blah. blah. .. i just couldnt remember anymore-)

but in the end. LQ will still decide for my life.

since it is "management decided", it was their decision to not let me go. the answer to my letter of intent was a red, official-looking "UNAPPROVED."

my world crashed before my eyes.

everything was in chaos.

i lost hold of my dreams.

i lost hold of my future.

i lost hold of myself.

when you have everything you always wanted. right there in front of your eyes. in arms reach.

only one thin line was there to stop you from taking that step. one thin loopy line. one signature.

of course if i really wanted to go, i could have resigned. yes i could have. but i cant. maybe my reasonings are flawed enough to justify my insistence to leave. or maybe im looking at all these rubble on the other side of the mirror. but i cannot leave on my own. i needed that package. of course i needed that.

first, it offers a kind of payment for those who will be approved. second, the retention contract will be waived. i could pay-off my existing debts. and i am not obliged to pay for my contract. (which by the way is the main reason why i cannot leave the company for the time being.) so i needed that.

so here i am. trying to find the right reasons for putting my best foot forward again in this job. trying to build new dreams. trying to shape a new future. trying to pick up the pieces of myself.

and it is not easy. not one bit.

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star

I would like you to meet Lexi.



Her full name is Nicole Lexi A. Ranoco
Yup. She's mine too.
My little twinkling star.
Born on June 5, 2004
My water broke at exactly 7:15 am in a taxi.
Went inside the delivery room at 7:25 am.
Out in the real world at 7:28am.
Isnt she excited?

I have already given some information about her in my blog about my anniversary.
I met her father about a year after I gave birth to Jam.
He knows about Jam and accepted me still.

The day I learned about my pregnancy, he's just about to graduate and I'm a year behind him.
We decided that we're not ready. We're not ready both emotionally and financially.
We thought that it was for the best if we do not keep the baby but we were afraid on how to do it.

I was doubly anxious of this decision because, one, I do not know how, or where, or if I will survive. Secondly, I've been asking myself why I cant have his baby when I easily accepted in me when Jam came into my life.

Eventually, my parents knew about it and decided to give me away. I went to live with him together with his parents. This had been easier for me because I knew in me that he's the one I wanted to grow old with. He took care of us. Worked hard to provide our needs. He supported me through my last year in college.

It was 5:00am on the 5th of June when I woke with small contractions, I thought it was nothing but small movements by the baby (considering the 2-day labor I had with Jam) but still considered to visit my OB. Also, it was 3 weeks early than my scheduled week of delivery.

An excited little girl smiled at the new world early that morning.
A little star that continually twinkles in our lives with her small antics.
A bright girl who talks too much. With dimpled smiles that make everyday a good day.
My star.

I was right to keep her.

My Moon

This is Jam.

His full name is Jameir Russ Karsten M. Ancaja.

Yup, he's mine.

Carried him for 9 months.

Labored for 2 days.

Went out in the real world in broad daylight.

Born on October 16, 2001. He was a gift.

My moon.

I met his father when I was only 13. We had this ON-OFF kind of relationship all 3 years of highschool because I was studying in Manila and he has to stay in our province.

It was November 2000 when we got together again. I'm 17. It was a serious kind of relationship this time since we were both in college and he's staying near our home.

I was spending most of my non-school hours at his place. My mother approves of him.

My grandmother is friends with his family. My sister calls him "kuya" (big brother).

We were meant for each other.

It was the reason I allowed myself to cross the lines I created for my benefit. Believing that we will get married soon enough. Or that our futures are meant for that.

Apparently, he misunderstood this as a bad change for me. That I was way too liberated for him.

That he wasnt the first. That it wasn't my first time.

I celebrated my debut January. I found out about my pregnancy by February.

I told him this news. He even bought me fruits. He even laid his head on my belly even if I was only 2 weeks pregnant. It was almost too good to be true.

It was until that time when I realized he was not the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Not the person I would pick to father my children.

I did not wish to marry him. Nor wanted to settle things with his family. I did not even ask him to take responsibility for the baby. I left.

My relationship with him is like being covered each day with dark storm clouds.

I was always struggling to see some light.

When I left him I was still in the dark. I have no idea of how to do everything alone. And worst of all, I am helplessly in love with him.

Although I have my family for support, they cannot carry the emotional struggle within me. They could not grasp how much I've been waiting for him to come and get me out of my misery. And how much I hated myself for that.

Good thing I have my moon in me. The reason I still wake up each day to go to school in my maternity dress. The reason I stopped crying in the bathroom when the emotions get too heavy.

The reason I am here now. Stronger. Braver. And Happier. More than I've ever been.

Now, Jam is 7. He's first his class. Active. Smart. And happy.

He will always shine when the sun shies away in my life.

Stranded

The semicon business is now in its downturn.
There is very, very low man-power requirement and most of us here are in a state of dreadful doubt of losing our jobs.

Some already chose to leave the company to look for better opportunities abroad.

And some who already spent the last twenty years running the rat race decided to retire and spend their remaining limbs resting on some old wooden rocking chair near the beach.

I can do neither.

First, I have a binding contract to work for this company for the next 3-4 years. This is because of the scholarship program they have given me when I was in college. Resigning would mean I need to pay for all they have spent for my education. Sadly, I dont have that kind of money.

Second, I am sending my kids to school. My hubby always wanted me to stay home to be the loving housewife he dreams about. I would gladly take the challenge. But that means he has to support us, food, shelter education, all the like. BUT, he doesn't earn enough for that. He earns well, but not enough for growing children.

I need this job. I know I do. What I do not know is if the JOB needs me. The last few weeks have been very dull. Our work load is low as well and I've been spending most of my office hours doing nothing but reading blogs, surfing the net and waiting for my email to update its folders. (Not that I am against it.)

But not being productive may mean that I have no worth in the company, which, in this time of crisis, would mean I could be laid off. And no, I cannot accept that.

I am afraid of what is to come. I've been trying to convince myself that the company cannot take this job away from me because of the contract. That they could not waste all those money they spent for me. That they need the intellectual property I have.

But the horrifying truth is that THEY ACTUALLY CAN, THEY ACTUALLY COULD, and THEY ACTUALLY DONT.

What's worse with this is that I dont know where to go from here. This was not part of the long-term plan I made. I cannot leave on my own but if they DO lay me off I will come face-to-face with the real world unprepared. And I cannot accept that either.

I know I have to do something. But what is there to do?

Lets talk about that Dull work

I like my job.

I dont necessarily love it but we're friends.

I am currently working in a semiconductor company as a Test Hardware Engineer. (whoooh)
And I would gladly trade it to be a full-time housewife and mother. (And I could do some cross-stitching on my free time). Since I cant be neither in the next 3 years, lets talk about that obsession some other time.

So work.

This is work.

This is engineering multi-tasking, analytical, clerical, boring work.
Ok. Its not at all boring. Its quite challenging actually.
Trying to do everything simultaneously with extreme amount of pressure because everything is due within the day. (And may God save the world because its already 2:55pm.)
But then, I dont want to discuss the technicality of my work here.
That's for my manager to comprehend.

What we need to talk about here is when you feel you dont want to do it anymore.

Work is trapped in your office room. It is in your PC or your laptop. It is in the equipment you use. It is in the four corners of your office building. When you walk out of that glass door after 5:30 pm. You stop working. You start living.

My hubby came home last night feeling all wasted. He asked me whether a time will come when he can retire. He's 26. He hardly slept that night.

This morning I asked him if he was feeling better, he told me he doesnt want to work anymore.

Of course I felt the same way for the last 2 and a half years. I still do. But I have a son to send to school. He needs new shoes because the last one I bought, which was expensive enough for my budget because it promised a long, sturdy lifetime, were already worn out. I needed to pay for the costume he needs to wear because he's participating in the school program. I have a daughter who loves fruits. I have 2 sisters who ask for monthly allowances. I have a cousin I send through college. and I have a hubby who occasionally requests I cook his favorite dish.

I need the job because I need the money. I can quit it anytime I want. (well, after the contract, that is) What I mean is, I could stop working. I could give it up. I could have my lifelong dream of being loving housewife. I could finally learn doing bonsai plants. But for me, it would mean I have to give them up too. My son has to stop school. And my daughter would not be able to eat apples if its not christmas and my sisters and cousin have to work their way through college.

No, money cannot buy happiness. But it could buy the remote control helicopter my son wants for his birthday. My wallet is lighter by a few hundred pesos but my heart is heavier with love and happiness when I see him with his dada playing under the sun.

However, work has its bad days as it has good. And sometimes the bad are reason enough to stop loving your work. Or liking it, for that matter. Because you feel stranded. Your work is going nowhere and you feel you are too. There will be failures, there are bad memos, there are For-Improvement notices, missed deadlines, money loss, and hurt ego. But one thing I learned in this lifetime, you go where you choose to. Everybody gets a chance to play. If you let all the downfalls get into you. It will. Nobody is a failure until he thinks he is. Get up. There's no better way than standing up from your fall and not falling on the same spot again.

Work to live, not live to work. Let work worry you for 8 hours all during company time, leave all the worries behind when its time to go home. Do not let it take over your life. As I say, there's so much more to life than the big project you're handling right now. Go home, take you kids to their favorite fastfood. Eat fries. Watch a feel-good movie with your wife. Pray. Sleep well.

When you wake up. There is work. But it will be better. Because you feel better for yourself.

You and your work is a compromise. Its like a relationship. You take care of it and it takes care of you. And you get a fair share of the bargain.

Stained Glass

I will tell you about that Thursday.

History.

Anything can happen. Good things happen. Bad things happen. You can meet good people. You meet bad. You go up. Or you go down. There is good karma and there is bad karma. Good things happen almost everyday. One good thing at a time.

All bad things happen on thursdays.

I dont know when I started noticing it. But it does.

When I was in highschool, break-ups happen on thursdays. It was a thursday when I missed the one-day school interaction because I was sick. I received the news I will graduate salutatorian instead of the much-coveted-and-expected-already-prepared-valedictory-speech 1st place on a thursday.

When I was in college, I get surprise-I-dont-know-anything-havent-slept-due-to-design tests on thursdays. I got my class card with my first ever 3.0 grade on a thursday. I get stuck in traffic during thursdays. Always.

But this is not about my other hundred misfits during thursday. This is about THAT thursday.

Where to start?

My attendance for the last three years had been very bad. I accumulated a number of not-so-pleasing memos because of my tardiness. Both my immediate supervisor and manager have been monitoring my monthly attendance.

I travel for 2.5 hours from our home to work. My trip consists of a 3-minute walk, 5-minute tricycle ride, 15-minute bus ride, 25-minute train ride and a 90-minute bus ride. That's minus the technical failures of the LRT, and the heavy traffic at SLEX due to road widening projects of the so-called government.

I now have an average of 5 tardy days a month. Ive been worse.

So I've been trying really hard to keep my attendance at a good light. Ive suceeded so far.

Then thursday. I am late. Not a good way to start the morning.

That day, my manager sent me a summary of my tardiness for last month. Not a good sight either.

What happened next?

I went through my daily routine, e-mails, follow-ups, file reviews, reading blogs in between, reports, the usual. And then...

A week ago we decided to organize a "savings group" every payday, every member of the group is required to give a decided amount of money and one member is to receive the sum. This will continue until every one in the group received the same amount of money. It was like saving for the rainy days.

The problem begins when everyone claims his rainy day will come at one chosen date. And everyone wanted to receive the lump sum first. or second, at the least.. which is entirely, absolutely IMPOSSIBLE!

So to make things fair, I raffled the numbers. Each one will pick a number from the box to represent the date of his "salary". Easier said than done. Because as soon as the person picked up his number, seeing it was not what he hoped for, all the babbles and the rabbles began again. I feel so completely harassed. As if I jinxed them so they would receive the last number or something.

After everyone had his pick, "some" (but of course it is still just someone) were still not contented and were still making a fuss about all it, threatening to withdraw his share, blathering about not wanting to be a part of the group anymore. What an @*$h0l3.

What could be worse?

A few months ago, somebody left a message in my friendster inbox asking me about my father. The first thing I noticed is that he's carrying my surname. So he got my interest. He gave the name of my father and asked if that person is my father. And so I answered yes. Being more conclusive than I should, I asked him if we have the same father.

He answered a yes.

Last tuesday, my father sent me a very weird text message, he told me he wanted to ask me something. And that he wanted to thank me beforehand for the question. I was supposed to meet them that day because it was my mother's birthday but I wasn't able to come and we didn't had the chance to talk about it.

Yesterday, it just occurred to me. I texted my dad and asked him if he was going to ask me about that somebody from friendster.

He answered a yes.

He told me he didnt where to begin. Or how to start explaining. He told me there would be the right place and time for that.

I told him he didnt need to explain anything to me. I'm old enough to know how the real world works.

I told him there's no easy way. No matter how he does it, it will still hurt. We dont know how the rest of the family will react to this but its something he has to face. Alone.

I told him there will never be the right place nor the right time for this stuff. It doesnt matter where, or when, delaying the fact doesnt change it. They will feel pain. Bigtime. He needs to tell it now, or soon, waiting for another 24 years will not help him. It will not help us either. I hope my mom's busy enough she wont miss reading my blog. This is something she should not know. Not from me anyway.

Well. Life sucks sometimes. Shit happens.