Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star

I would like you to meet Lexi.



Her full name is Nicole Lexi A. Ranoco
Yup. She's mine too.
My little twinkling star.
Born on June 5, 2004
My water broke at exactly 7:15 am in a taxi.
Went inside the delivery room at 7:25 am.
Out in the real world at 7:28am.
Isnt she excited?

I have already given some information about her in my blog about my anniversary.
I met her father about a year after I gave birth to Jam.
He knows about Jam and accepted me still.

The day I learned about my pregnancy, he's just about to graduate and I'm a year behind him.
We decided that we're not ready. We're not ready both emotionally and financially.
We thought that it was for the best if we do not keep the baby but we were afraid on how to do it.

I was doubly anxious of this decision because, one, I do not know how, or where, or if I will survive. Secondly, I've been asking myself why I cant have his baby when I easily accepted in me when Jam came into my life.

Eventually, my parents knew about it and decided to give me away. I went to live with him together with his parents. This had been easier for me because I knew in me that he's the one I wanted to grow old with. He took care of us. Worked hard to provide our needs. He supported me through my last year in college.

It was 5:00am on the 5th of June when I woke with small contractions, I thought it was nothing but small movements by the baby (considering the 2-day labor I had with Jam) but still considered to visit my OB. Also, it was 3 weeks early than my scheduled week of delivery.

An excited little girl smiled at the new world early that morning.
A little star that continually twinkles in our lives with her small antics.
A bright girl who talks too much. With dimpled smiles that make everyday a good day.
My star.

I was right to keep her.

My Moon

This is Jam.

His full name is Jameir Russ Karsten M. Ancaja.

Yup, he's mine.

Carried him for 9 months.

Labored for 2 days.

Went out in the real world in broad daylight.

Born on October 16, 2001. He was a gift.

My moon.

I met his father when I was only 13. We had this ON-OFF kind of relationship all 3 years of highschool because I was studying in Manila and he has to stay in our province.

It was November 2000 when we got together again. I'm 17. It was a serious kind of relationship this time since we were both in college and he's staying near our home.

I was spending most of my non-school hours at his place. My mother approves of him.

My grandmother is friends with his family. My sister calls him "kuya" (big brother).

We were meant for each other.

It was the reason I allowed myself to cross the lines I created for my benefit. Believing that we will get married soon enough. Or that our futures are meant for that.

Apparently, he misunderstood this as a bad change for me. That I was way too liberated for him.

That he wasnt the first. That it wasn't my first time.

I celebrated my debut January. I found out about my pregnancy by February.

I told him this news. He even bought me fruits. He even laid his head on my belly even if I was only 2 weeks pregnant. It was almost too good to be true.

It was until that time when I realized he was not the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Not the person I would pick to father my children.

I did not wish to marry him. Nor wanted to settle things with his family. I did not even ask him to take responsibility for the baby. I left.

My relationship with him is like being covered each day with dark storm clouds.

I was always struggling to see some light.

When I left him I was still in the dark. I have no idea of how to do everything alone. And worst of all, I am helplessly in love with him.

Although I have my family for support, they cannot carry the emotional struggle within me. They could not grasp how much I've been waiting for him to come and get me out of my misery. And how much I hated myself for that.

Good thing I have my moon in me. The reason I still wake up each day to go to school in my maternity dress. The reason I stopped crying in the bathroom when the emotions get too heavy.

The reason I am here now. Stronger. Braver. And Happier. More than I've ever been.

Now, Jam is 7. He's first his class. Active. Smart. And happy.

He will always shine when the sun shies away in my life.