Ang Ballpen Bow

Ang buhay, para lang ballpen yan..

Iba-iba ang kulay
Iba-iba ang bigat
Iba-iba ang itinatagal


Ang bawat titik na isinulat ng ballpen mo ay simbolo ng bawat pangyayaring tumatatak sa papel ng ating pagkatao. Madalas, nag-iiwan din ng marka ang ating ballpen sa kanvas ng iba. At minsan, ng mundo.


Iba-iba rin ang paraan ng pagkasulat ng ating ballpen. Merong pahaba, patayo, pabilog, at sa maraming pagkakataon, parang kinahig ng manok. Pero ang lahat ay isang pahayag kung saan tayo ang magsisimula, kung saan natin gagamitin at kung saan ang maabot ng ating ballpen.


Wala ito sa halaga o presyo ng ating ballpen. Hindi ito kinakailangang Staedtler o Gtech, hindi rin mahalaga kung Pilot o Panda o Lotus. Hindi sukatan ang pangharap na hitsura para masabi ang kahalagahan ng ating ballpen. Mas mahalaga ang bawat katagang nahabi sa isang makabuluhang salaysay. Mas mahalaga ang bawat daloy ng pagkakataon na huhubog sa ating katauhan.

Paminsan-minsan, nagbo-blot din ang ballpen. Nagiging malabo ang daloy ng mga pagkakataon, nagiging mahirap, at minsan nakakaperwisyo pa nga. Lalo na kung nakaupo ka sa pinakamahalagang pagsusulit ng iyong buhay at nagbo-blot ang ballpen mo.

Merong mga taong pipiliing itapon na ang ballpeng ito. Sa maling paniniwalang wala na itong halaga. Marahil dahil sa galit at kawalan ng pag-asa.

Pero mayroon pa ring hindi susuko. Gagawa at gagawa ng paraan.
Pinapainitan ang ballpen para mas madaling dumaloy ang tinta. Inaalog alog, pinipitik pitik.
Ito ay sa paniniwalang bukas susulat muli ng maganda ang ballpeng ito.
At madalas, nasa lakas lang yan ng paniniwala.

Parang ang buhay natin. Minsan, naiipit tayo at hindi makalabas. Merong mga desisyon na ayaw nating harapin. Mga desisyong susukat sa ating estado at sa paniniwala natin sa ating pagkatao.
Nagtatago tayo at nagsusumiksik sa maliit na tubong iyon at ayaw sumulat.
Sa maraming pagkakataon, kailangan lang nating maalog-alog.

Meron ding pangyayari na magtatae ang ballpen. At magkakalat ito. Sa kamay, sa sangkaterbang papel, sa sahig, sa kamay ng iba, sa papel ng iba. At hindi katulad ng pagbo-blot, hindi ito pwedeng pitik-pitikin dahil siguradong magkakalat ka lalo.

Minsan, mas mabuti pa na hayaan na lang munang maubos ang sobrang tinta. Wala ng dahilan pa para iyakan ang nasayang na. Hindi na ito maibabalik pa. Siguruhin lang natin na lilinisin natin ang ating kalat.

Dumadating sa ating buhay na gumagawa tayo ng mga bagay na kahit alam nating wala sa tamang landas ay patuloy nating ginagawa. Maraming nasasaktan. Marami ang nadadamay.
Magsisi man tayo hindi na maibabalik ang mga nasayang na panahon. Hindi na maibabalik ang mga luha at sakit. Kailangan na lang nating linisin ang ating kalat. At magsimula ulit.

Meron mang kaunting dungis ang ating malaking kanbas, nasa kagandahan pa rin ng bagong mga kataga, salaysay at larawan tayo huhusgahan.

Dilemma

Sometimes late at night I fear, there's more hate in me than the love I feel.
Lurking behind the emotions of anger.
I could not see why but I despise myself for feeding on the thought that this is all a lie.
A betrayal of my own words.
I am both surprised and frightened of the amount of hatred that sleeps within my dreams.
And it is eating me whole.
Consumes me.
I cannot accept in me that I am loving you less than I should. Should? Now it even sounds obligatory to me.
I cannot place it.
My yearning for freedom is burning. Almost suffocating.
No, not from the commitment, but from the hate and the anger.
There is so much pain in my eyes I cannot see pass the shield of enraged coldness.
There is so much bitterness in my heart I cannot penetrate the walls of selfish pride.
I love you and I hate you in its most ironic way.
Like it keeps me alive and kills me at the same time.
Their symphony befriends me in my waking hours.
Embraces me in my slumber.

It is in me.

Let it happen.

I surrender.

Stranded

The semicon business is now in its downturn.
There is very, very low man-power requirement and most of us here are in a state of dreadful doubt of losing our jobs.

Some already chose to leave the company to look for better opportunities abroad.

And some who already spent the last twenty years running the rat race decided to retire and spend their remaining limbs resting on some old wooden rocking chair near the beach.

I can do neither.

First, I have a binding contract to work for this company for the next 3-4 years. This is because of the scholarship program they have given me when I was in college. Resigning would mean I need to pay for all they have spent for my education. Sadly, I dont have that kind of money.

Second, I am sending my kids to school. My hubby always wanted me to stay home to be the loving housewife he dreams about. I would gladly take the challenge. But that means he has to support us, food, shelter education, all the like. BUT, he doesn't earn enough for that. He earns well, but not enough for growing children.

I need this job. I know I do. What I do not know is if the JOB needs me. The last few weeks have been very dull. Our work load is low as well and I've been spending most of my office hours doing nothing but reading blogs, surfing the net and waiting for my email to update its folders. (Not that I am against it.)

But not being productive may mean that I have no worth in the company, which, in this time of crisis, would mean I could be laid off. And no, I cannot accept that.

I am afraid of what is to come. I've been trying to convince myself that the company cannot take this job away from me because of the contract. That they could not waste all those money they spent for me. That they need the intellectual property I have.

But the horrifying truth is that THEY ACTUALLY CAN, THEY ACTUALLY COULD, and THEY ACTUALLY DONT.

What's worse with this is that I dont know where to go from here. This was not part of the long-term plan I made. I cannot leave on my own but if they DO lay me off I will come face-to-face with the real world unprepared. And I cannot accept that either.

I know I have to do something. But what is there to do?