version 1.01

The only thing constant is change.

And so I took the constant force for change into effect.

After 4 years and 11 months with Engineering, I finally decided to shift my career to Human Resources.

Yup, you read that right, HR.

What made me do it?
Change.

What feared me most?
Change.

What pushed me through?
Change.

The aspect of change both excited and scared me out of my wits.
I put on my battle gear and head on for battle.

I have my mediocre writing and speaking skills as helm.
My charisma with people as pauldron.
My love for teaching as breastplate.
I donned my technical skills as scales.
I wore my strength as gauntlets.
I held my forced confidence to take on challenges as my shield.
And I forged my self-belief as spear.

I didnt fail to notice though, that I have no cuisse and greaves.
The things that could have helped me keep my head held high.

And this is what scares me, being incomplete.
If I'm going to be as honest as possible, I would tell you I wasn't prepared for this.
I wasn't built for this.

I spent 10 years consumed in mathematical problems, electronic circuits and designs.

Everything is based on things I can calculate, things I can draw, things that can be represented by logic gates.

I breathe in test analysis, resistor and capacitor readings, I troubleshoot hardware failures. I work alone. I fail alone. I succeed alone.

So what the hell am I thinking moving to HR?

I was thinking of all the things I like to do.
writing, teaching, reading.

I was thinking of all the things I can do.
knowledge sharing, leading, mentoring.

I was thinking of all the things I need to do.
learning, advancing, growing.

I was thinking of all the things I will do.
creating, developing, molding

And so you ask,

Am I overworked?
Yes.

Am I in a lot of pressure?
Yes.

Am I pushing myself to the limits?
Yes.

Am I happy?
Hell, yes.

So let's stop all these drama.

Worthless

Worthless.
that is exactly how you made me feel.
this may sound harsh.
but this is me.
and this is my blog.
and i dont give a damn on how you feel about it.
you made it clear well enough last night.

everytime, before i sleep, i try to salvage as much self-worth i still have.
but after a long time, it still get to me.
im not worth anything.
i walk with other people and i belittle myself.
i see all the smiles and ask why i cant be worthy of even such a small gesture.
i go to work thinking i cant live up to everyone's expectations.
i will fail and will be the cause of shame.
i call my kids and they tell me how much ive been missing big chunks of their lives.
im not even worthy as a mother.
i call mama to seek comfort, and she would enumerate the numerous occasion that passed without me, not even remembering to call
i even fail as a daughter.
im not worth anything at all.

i try. everytime. i try to be worth something.
everytime i lose a piece of me.
i lose a piece of what i believe in.
one day, i might wake up and wouldnt even recognize me.

A Break in a Joyride

I look at you.

I didn’t notice that all the while I was holding my breath. I am completely taken that I find it hard to concentrate on the road.

Not that I need to, you drive well.

I sense familiarity in your movements, as if you’ve been doing this all your life.
I guess you have, judging by the way your hand shape itself in the wheel.
Almost like a caress.

I held you with my eyes. It is almost impossible to tear them away from you.

You look at me and smile.

I love that smile. Your all-knowing smile.

I like the fact that you know I’ve been watching you.

I almost called your name out. Would have voiced out how I felt.

I failed to stop my gasp when you reached over to hold my hand.

I looked ahead now.

And for the first time, I noticed the sun in my face and the wind blowing my hair
The dirt covered road.
Our song in the radio.
The beating of your heart.
Your hand still holding mine.

I’m counting every minute. Trying to hold back time.
Because today we end this joyride.
But not now. Now is for feeling the warmth of your hand. And looking at the content of your smile.

Now I see “us”. Together.

Tomorrow we go back to finding reasons to wake up in the morning.

I’m not ready. Never was.
Coz in the end of this roadtrip, there’s no changing the truth.
I lost you along the way.

I reached over. As I always do.

But I find the seat cold, smooth and empty.

For in this journey, you are not mine. Not anymore.

This is inspired by a new friend i found. she may have lost someone in her journey, but i believe she will find the one for her along the way.