Surrender

it was pain more than i can bear yet my body shows no scar
i tried but the tears never stopped
i am blinded by the irony of pain and belief
i am lost in my own struggles

i closed myself to understanding
i hid myself from the truth
i could not listen to the whispers
i would not feel the wind

and then You touched my heart
held it in Your hands
You made me see how strong, you made me feel how full
i found what has been lost

You have been telling me, i am strong
shouting that i cannot doubt myself again
You have been holding me
carrying me when i thought i was alone

You have shown me my path
with light and big arrows
You have been calling me
i was there all along but i failed to see

to you, i surrender. everything.

Strangers

It was more of a chance than coincidence.
Both of us being in the same place and time, two days in a row.
I wasn’t expecting you to stop again.
Considering the doubtful question yesterday.
The only sentence that was spoken between the two of us for the last 5 years.
Yet you did.

I wouldn’t be able to explain what I saw in your eyes that morning.

Hate. Anger. Regret. And very faintly that I could almost say I imagined it, love.
So when you turned around and traversed the road that was familiar yet haunting to me, I held my breath.

Silence hung between us.

I could count the number of your breaths.
The beating of my heart.
I wanted to look at you but I am so afraid the moment might lose its grip.
That you might snap back to reality.
I was both hoping and dreading that you would.

Silently, you drove us to that place beneath the trees.

The one place in this world I could not bear to be.
Without question, you took my hand and led me within the shadows.
And for the length of an eternity, you held me.
Held me as if yesterday was a memory that was never there.
Held me as if tomorrow is a future that is not possible to happen.

I just closed my eyes and let you.

Then I let the tears flow. Uncontrollably. The ones I held for years.

I assume I fell asleep. Because when I opened my eyes, the sun is high in the sky, and the leaves shone brightly as they dance.

I looked at you when I felt you stir beside me.
For a fraction of a second I travelled back in time. When I could look into your eyes and feel that the world righted itself overnight.

Your lips touched mine briefly, light as a feather.

You held me again. But this, with urgency. As if time is running out. In metaphor, I believe it is.

Without explanation, we drove back.
To the place where nobody knew.
To the place where our past was nothing but a murmur among the entire buzz.

Back to how we were.

Strangers.

Jeps

Everytime a day unfolds,
I see all the possibilities the world has to offer
I can play in the sun today
Or ride the bullet train
Maybe climb the Eiffel tower
Or swim the English Channel
I can sip my coffee in France
Or eat tacos in Mexico
Maybe rebuild the pyramids in Egypt
Or rediscover Atlantis
I can also choose to be just me today
I'll be lazy and I'll 'work' the day off
Or I'll surf the net and humor my sister with updates
Maybe I'll be my usual pessimist self
and negate all the good in the world

But TODAY, I want to be different
Today, I'll look inside
Find all the possibilities I can offer
I can play with my strengths
and ride the waves of my dreams
Maybe climb an improvement tower
and swim over my mistakes
I can sip coffee back in school
and eat back at home
Maybe rebuild my life over
and rediscover my own treasures
I can choose to be the NEW me
I'll find how my 'work' can develop me
and surf the net on ways to do this
Maybe I'll be an optimist for the day
and see the beauty of the world

Today, I will remember, I was born for something.
And I'll haul my lazy ass up and find it.

Isang Araw ng Martes

Nagsimula ang salaysay na ito kahapon, sa jeep. Habang pinag-iisipan ko kung bibili ba ako ng cake sa Red Ribbon at ng pizza sa Pizza Hut. Nabubuo sa isip ko ang takbo ng kwentong ito habang naglalakad ako, kasabay ng pag-alala ko kung noong teenager ako, sampung taon na ang nakararaan (ang 19 naman ay teenager pa diba?), ay nag celebrate ba ako ng Valentine's Day. Kung ang taon na yun ng nakaraan ang ating pag-uusapan, sasagutin ko ito ng hindi. Hindi lang dahil sa wala akong boyfriend nung taon na yun, pero dahil pinili ko na hindi.

Ang palabas sa bus pagsakay ko, "Bata, Bata, Paano Ka Ginawa?". Akala ko madrama na ang buhay ko. Pero dahil naiyak pa rin ako sa kwento, naisip ko na baka mas madrama ang buhay nya. Kasi katulad ni Lea, dalawa rin ang anak ko. Isang lalake, yung panganay, at isang babae, yung bunso. At katulad din ng sitwasyon ni Lea, magkaiba rin ang tatay ng mga anak ko. Hindi ko masabi kung sino ang mas swerte sa amin ni Lea, sa gitna ng mga drama namin sa buhay. Nagkaroon ng pagkakataon si Lea na ikasal, ako hindi. Iniwan naman siya ng dalawang lalake sa buhay nya, habang kasama ko pa rin hanggang ngayon ang ama ng aking bunso.

Minsan, ang hirap ding intindihin ng buhay. Malingat ka lang sandali, magugulat ka, nawala ka na sa pila, naiwanan ka na, naliligaw. At kung hindi mo paghihirapan na hanapin ang tamang daan, baka hindi ka na makarating sa iyong dapat puntahan. Pero minsan, sinasadya rin ng pagkakataon na malihis ka ng landas, na madapa ka, na masugatan. Pag nadapa ang anak ko, hindi yun umiiyak, tatayo siya mula sa pagkakadapa, magpapagpag ng duming dumikit sa kanyang katawan, at tatakbo ulit. Minsan, mas marami kang matututunan sa mga bata.

Kahapon din sa gitna ng aking pagtatangka na maging abogado ng isang araw, meron akong mga kaibigan na sumusubok sa kaligayahan ng puso. Walang makapagsasabi kung saan man patutungo ang kanilang sitwasyon ngayon. Maaari silang masaktan, ngunit nandun pa rin ang pag-asa na hindi at tuluyan silang maging masaya. Isa sa mga natutunan ko sa aking buhay, may dahilan at may tamang panahon ang lahat ng bagay. Kung tama man ang kanilang nararamdaman ngayon, baka mali pa ang panahon para sa kanila. Pero kailan pa?

Minsan, ang paniniwala ko, merong mga taong perpekto. Mga taong, sasabihin mo, nasa kanila na ang lahat. At ang mga taong ito ay hinahangaan ko. Dahil nakikita ko ang kanilang galing, ang kanilang pagmamahal sa kanilang ginagawa, ang kanilang paninindigan. Iniisip ko na may hangganan ang kakulangan ng tao. Na darating ang isang araw, na nasa iyo na ang lahat ng kailangan mo. At wala ka ng ibang hihilingin pa. Pero kahapon, nalaman ko, marami rin palang lungkot na nakatago sa mga ngiti ng mga taong akala ko perpekto. Maraming mga luha sa likod ng mga halakhak. Nalaman ko na kahit gaano ka man kagaling, gaano man kataas ang posisyon mo sa buhay, laging merong kulang. Hindi ko inaalis ang paghanga ko sa kanila at sa kanilang kakayahan, pero naintindihan ko, na katulad ko rin sila. Hindi perpekto. Napatunayan ko na hindi nasusukat sa laki ng bahay ang kaligayahan ng isang tao. Minsan, may kayamanan sa gitna ng kawalan at may kapayapaan sa gitna ng kaguluhan. Minsan, kaya ng tao na umiyak at tumawa ng sabay.
Nasaan kaya ako sampung taon mula ngayon? Saan kaya tutungo ang aking landas? Sana sa panahong iyon, may kakayahan pa akong magsulat. Sana, marami na akong natutunan sa buhay. Sana may puwang pa sa mga bagong kaalaman. Sana, kahit may kulang, meron akong akin. Sana may lungkot at may saya. Sana, kung nasa gitna man ako ng kawalan, basta may pagmamahal, at kapayapaan.

Sana sa isa pang araw ng Martes, merong ituro sa akin ang buhay.