Pretense

there's too much pain in my heart
too much pain that the tears just kept falling, without end
i don't even have the strength to stop them

there's too much confusion in my head
too confused that the memories kept flashing in my thoughts
i don't even know what's true anymore

i could remember every embrace, every kiss, every whisper of love
i remember every touch, every look, every smile
i remember every struggle, every pain, every ounce of anger
i remember trying, failing, and trying again
i remember every guilt, every tear, every slice of hurt

and everything is a pretense
everything is a lie
everything is a realization of false hopes

and i thought there's no pain greater than being left behind
this is a deeper kind of pain, something that will never go away.
something that will reside in the deepest, darkest part of my heart
the pain that blinds love, hope, tomorrow

the pain that makes a person choose... oblivion

everything is a pretense.

Undiluted Fear

For the first time in my life, I fear for me.

I have been trying to hold back in taking this step for as long as I can remember.

The past years I was just trying to get out of the hole I myself dug.
There were no excuses, only justifications of the why.
I could not bear to even think about it, I was too ashamed.
All I wanted was redemption. Freedom from guilt. From sin.

The path I chosen was never easy. I preferred it that way.
It was my means of making amends.
So I did what I have to do. I did what is asked of me.
I did what I thought will save us. I crawled.

I was under false hopes that I was making progress.
I thought I was building something, a foundation for permanence.
Yet, after I pulled myself out of the depths of error,
I am forced to admit I am, again, wrong.

Now, I fear.
I fear that everything that happened lead me to this.
I fear the realization I have been standing on the edge of this cliff
I fear that I wanted to jump off and just... fall.