oh no!

my birthday's coming.

i, mother

my children spent the holidays with us last year.

considering the size of our room and my children's capability to bring about a complete mayhem, that two-week vacation was a disaster.

my laundry increased by 150%.
the clothes drawer was overflowing.
toys scattered everywhere.
leftovers all over the bed.

it was a mess.

i need to prepare two kinds of meal because my children are very pick.
i need to clean the room more than 4 times a day to be acceptable for comfort.
i need to shower 2 hard-headed (but cute, of course) children before bed time.
i need to read 3 stories before they close their eyes.

it was all a disorder.

my sleep was reduced to 4 hours a day.
my cross stitching time was zero.
my books to read piled up.

it was all exhausting.

but..

i get gazillion kisses everyday.
we get to stay up late and watch our favorite cartoons together.
we eat ice cream and make a mess of ourselves.
we go shopping together for new clothes.
i get embraces all through the night.
we make fun together.
we laugh out loud.
we run and play.
we joke around.

and we love.

it was the best holiday ever. i would not have had it any other way.

WANT.

This blog is inspired by Ms. Tia, the girl who wrote the blog which never failed to tell me to never stop believing. Game on.


Life list of wants..


I want to write. Have my own book. Write children stories which i can tell my children before we go to sleep. So they would go dreaming happy dreams.

I want to have enough money to buy myself a house. in there we would build a home, dada, jam, lexi and me. it would have that wonderful kitchen i would dominate, cooking and baking and discovering ways of providing good food. (well, good for me, for sure.)

I want to go to a culinary school. so i could make that (please see above) good food. for everyone to enjoy. (or not.)

I want to learn how to make bonsai plants. it amazes me. and i want to be a part of something amazing.

I want to compose songs I would later hear in radio as the most requested.

I want to be a teacher. I want to tell the children that they can be whoever they want to be as long as they believe it. I want to inspire people. To tell them to be an inspiration to others as well.

I want to pursue my masters. I want to review, again, for the board exams and hopefully pass. (please. please. please.)

I want to be a good mother. i want to be the one my children will run to when they picked up a fight in school. i want to be the one they share their secrets with. i want to be their number one fan.

I want to retire from work early. when i could still fly around the world. 0r the Philippines at least.

I want to live long enough to see my grandchildren. and be that good mother all over again.

Yesterday

I look at you,
and I see everything I missed because I let you go
and everything you would not have had if I didnt.

I look at you,
and see all that I've lost because i left
and all that you would if I didnt.

Anger

i close my eyes
unable to understand
consumes me. blinds me.

i inhale deeply
caresses the pain
building up. in flames.

i resist closure
ignores the need for control
scattering. corrupt.

i yell silently
daring to listen
to surrender. in anger.

Today, I learned

im totally broke.
im running in vapors.
im living off by borrowed money.
and somehow, suprisingly, im thankful.

there is so much that i dont have. i dont have savings.
no spare change. no loose cash.

and all the time i was much focused on these things,
trying to find ways to have those things that i dont.
i couldnt call it wishful thinking, it was too close to obsession.

and i noticed, in the passage of time, with these thoughts clouding
both my mind and my heart that i grew restless.
my emotions tend to get so heavy and i am almost always
on the verge of tears.

i began finding faults in people.
i started blaming others, including my family, for the kind of situation im in.
i found no peace.

one day, my daughter, in her most talkative state, was recalling her experience in school.
she told us that they were studying colors.
and her teacher asked her what's the color of the sky.
she could have answered a blue. we were all expecting that.
but this is what she said,

'minsan, kulay itim ang langit.'

the simplicity of her words, drowned me.
sometimes the children are better equipped to understand the simplicity of life.

the sky may be black sometimes, maybe much longer than we wanted it to.
but it doesnt mean the sky isnt blue.

i dont need to have everything.
i just needed to appreciate everything that i have.
when i started doing that, i realized i have much more than i could have bargained.
i have a family who loves me.
i have two beautiful children who keeps me smiling.
i have a husband who supports me always.
and i have my life.

today, i learned.

Dreams

i had a very weird dream last night.

as i recall, i was lying across our sofa in our home in Sta. Mesa when my ex-boyfriend, Jam's father, for that matter, came and gave me flowers. and he did also gave me a ring.

and he was then talking about us getting back together, he was planning all sorts of things, when to move in, where, how..
and he was telling me he paid all my existing debts, he cleared out my credit card's outstanding balance, and he was giving me a new life.

so i led him outside so we could talk.

i told him that though i love him, i love my hubby more.
and i told him that he is messing up everything that's already in their right places.
i have my family, he has his. and i am happy the way things are.
so i returned the ring and told him to go home.

and then i woke up.

then i reached over and found my hubby beside me, contentedly asleep.
my debts are not paid. still have to clear out my credit card balance.
and i still have the same life.

i wouldnt have it in any other way.