Maybe.. Someday..

October 15, 2010
In my room

I remembered I cried during Leovina’s wedding. I saw her walking down the aisle and it undid me.

I was crying for so many reasons.

I was crying because she is my dear friend and I am very happy for her. She found her perfect other half and has finally, after all her stress in the wedding preparations, committed in spending the rest of her life with him.

I was crying because I never wanted anything else so badly in my life than walking that aisle too. I so wanted to get married. I was imagining myself in her shoes. Guided by the song I made exactly for my wedding. I imagine I would be crying too. Crying because of too much happiness and overflowing emotions. In tears but with a great big smile. Up front I’ll find my dada, wearing an equally big smile, waiting for me.

I was crying because I was and am so afraid that its not going to happen to me. I know my dada loves me in his own way. I know he still wants to be with me. But after all the pain I’ve caused him, after all his love I’ve lost, I don’t believe he still has enough love to marry me. I am so afraid that I may wait for so long yet he doesn’t have it in him anymore.

I was crying because I knew for a fact that my dada wanted to give me a big wedding. Because I do know how much he loved me then. And I know how much less he loves me now.

I was crying because I think my own wedding would only be a dream.