i am a liar. and i'm good at it.
i'm probably lying right now and you wouldn't know the difference.
but i would. so who am i fooling?
exactly 12 hours before now, i actually believed lying is not that big deal.
right now i'm thinking how i could have lived with myself believing this.
last night i was on the verge of losing everything i have and everyone i love because of my lies.
and i was asked, is this what i'm going to teach my children? is this how i want them to grow up? i think i'd rather drown myself than walk up to them and tell them i lost everything for me and for them because i'm a liar. i will never be able to forgive myself.
i haven't had sleep for the last 32hours and i tell you, its not only in the 'judgement day' that you see your whole life flashed in front of you.
sometimes, it can happen lying awake at night thinking how stupid you are for making the same mistakes over and over again. and that you're not getting off this time. so you see how beautiful everything you have, the same everything you're about to lose. and it hurts like hell.
i am stupid. i am a liar and i am stupid.
i never saw it this way before. that honesty and trust goes together. and yeah, well, i thought the whole world revolves around me too. so i am a liar, i am stupid and i am a fool.
and i have never been so ashamed of myself.
i am not making promises here. i just want you to listen. i just want to let everyone know what i will try to do.
i am going to everyone i know i've lied to, even with the simplest of things, and i'm going to say i'm sorry. especially to those who i love the most. because you just don't hurt the ones you love. its easier said that done, i know. my instincts to protect myself will be there. but i learned the hard way that i lose more of myself by protecting it that way. and so i'm going to try. because i really really am sorry for what i did. for what i have become.
its not much. and it cant undo what had been done. i cant remove the pain i've caused and i cant actually prove myself for doing this. but i have to do something. i have start somewhere.
you know what, this morning, fate did its funny way of mocking me some more. i was asked to call for my daughter's assignment, when i did this was what she needed, write 2-3 sentences of how you could show honesty.
it took me quite a long hard time to grow up. i guess i finally did.
