i am here... again...

here i am again.
standing on the edge of the cliff.
waiting.

i am so close... again.

the last time, i turned my back and walked away.
if this do not go where i hope it would.
i might jump off the damned cliff.

i am not supposed to tell anything 'yet' about this.
but the suspense, or is it close to anxiety, is getting on my nerves.

the deliberation for promotion is scheduled today.
i have been in the board since October but i was disqualified because of poor attendance.
i did not contest that decision. i really am almost, always late.
my fault. i know.
the "i live in Navotas" excuse sound flimsy even in my ears.

but i changed. or to put it in much convincing words, i tried.
i know there is visible improvement in me.
even my supervisor and manager told me so.
i just dont think it's enough.

there is no problem with my performance.
i know.
ive got a VERY GOOD PERFORMANCE rating in the last Performance Appraisal.
that is equivalent to a 4 from a 1-5 rating range with 5 as the highest.
my new manager told me so too.
i just have the VERY bad feeling that it isnt enough.

i know i did want to leave the company. remember? MDSP?
but since they did not approve of me because "i am an important member of the group"
i rearranged all my plans to be as exceptional in my job as they wanted me to be.
i am not saying that they SHOULD give me the promotion because they held me tight right here.
but because i believe that i deserve it.
i know i did work hard for this.
i never failed to meet my commitments just because im late.

sigh.

all this blabbering will not take me up there.
and in the back of my mind i kept asking SOMEONE up there to listen.
i wanted an entirely different thing a month ago.
but it was not given to me.
and i know everything happens for a reason.
i hope this is HIS'.