I found you

Good Morning!
sigh. ok. its really not a very good morning.
the red flag is up, im on my second day and i'm having a very nasty dysmenorrhea attack.

but this is not about why i feel im always on the edge of my seat and of my patience.

this is about my dream.

i remember well that before i slept last night i was thinking about my children's graduation and of course the money involved, necessary purchases needed for the next two weeks, and another set of enrollment for May. and maybe between my calculations and the dilemma of where to get the money, i fell asleep.

the first part i can relate to work, i recall looking for colored chalks because i need to write some instructions on the board. i think i wrote my name with my i.d. number.

it was then about my family when the scene changed, i was again looking for the colored chalks but they were not present anymore in the dream-specified location. i told my tita that maybe Jam, my son, took it. i called him and yes, the colored chalks were with him. he was giving it to me when instantly we were in the midst of a hurricane. the chalks were scattered everywhere because of the strong winds and i remember holding him tightly.

this is now the most important part of the dream..

when the wind cleared out, i was not part of the dream anymore, not one of the characters, just a viewer..

there was a child. in the middle of the ocean. he was holding tight to what-looks-like a raft and he was being attacked by a kraken (giant squid?). i could see the tentacles trying to break his hold.
he was crying out "no. dont. no."

then a voice said, "let go." and he did.

when he turned around, there was no kraken. but there was a man. a man i would recognize anywhere, anytime.

it was jesus christ. i know. i could see his face clearly. every feature is there.
he was in the water with the child. and everything was calm.

the child was so happy and he said. "salamat, salamat, mabuti na lang nakita kita." (thank you, thank you, good thing i found you."

and jesus christ told him smiling, "but you did not, i found you."

so i think the lord is telling me something.
i think after the numerous times i tried shouting in my head for Him to see me.
for Him to look at me. to help me.

and he told me to 'let go'
He did not say what i need to let go, but i think i know.

...cast your burdens upon me, those who are heavily laden...

and maybe i will. because finally, He found me.

Outshone

there is one story i remember, back when i was still a child.
probably in grade 3 or 4. (ok, not so much of a child)

there was a poster we need to finish as a school project. and i was in high spirits.
i locked myself in our room.
exploring my childhood imagination, i experimented with drawings and colors.
i was satisfyingly happy of the outcome.
knowing in me that i did all that i can.

i ran down the stairs gleefully shouting that i finished my project.
i met my mom halfway down and showed her my drawing.

i excitedly told her how beautiful it is.

i will never forget what she told me:

"ang panget panget naman nyan" (its very, very ugly)

it was so painful that i cried out. the very first time i shouted angrily at my mama.

"kasi ang gusto mo lahat lang ng gawa mo ang maganda!" (its because you wanted that only your work will be beautiful!)

it was also the first time she slapped me for answering back.

i think its one of the reasons why until now i always try to please everyone.
for others to see that i do everything the right way.
i am always on my toes trying to be the best.
i wanted everything i do flawless and anything less is a crime.

the truth is, i always see faults in me.
feel that for everything that i've done, its still not enough.
no matter how much i tried. no matter how much of me i put in it,
it will always be less than beautiful.

i created an image of me, someone who took care of everything.
someone always trying to clear out things so others will find their ways free of obstacles
someone always looking for better ways
someone selfless, always giving
an image ive been trying to live up to for the last 20 years.

when all i wanted was to be taken care of,
for someone to appreciate what i can do and what i cant
for someone to accept me for who i am and not someone they wanted me to be.

or maybe, i just wanted somebody to tell me that there is beauty in what i do.
even if its just a grade school poster.

Camouflage

I wish I could tell you that I am not afraid
That I could leave and stay away
To stop hoping of holding you
To cease reaching in your dreams

I wish I could tell you I am strong
To give up searching for your eyes
To end hurting because of your freedom
Of seeing you in her arms

I wish I could tell you that I moved on
That I do not love you more than I should
Not waiting for your every breath
Not holding your every scent

I wish I could tell you that I chose right
When I had to let you go
I was right to have loved you
I am wrong that I still do

false freedom

**due to insistent public request and/or demand for whatsoever purpose it may serve, i am editing this post to satisfy their love and respect for the english language.. ok, ok, my translations were a bit off.. (love you.. Lav..)


it was so close. i was so close.

the plan was already laid out.

• we (gorgeous and sexy leovina ..now she has to pay me for this.. and i) already called DOST for the MS scholarship.
• called Mapua and La Salle for the MS requirements.
• downloaded necessary forms.
• sent my application for the teaching position.
• Mapua already called to validate my availability for April school year and schedule me for an interview.
• expenses for March and April, until the check was released, already secured.
• need not to travel from Manila to Laguna everyday.
• am going to take my Masters, review for the board and teach part-time.

the only thing that's blocking my way is one signature. THE signature.

our company did not escape the economic crisis. it is the business' demand to cut-off some heads in the company payroll. with this, the admin released a Management Decided Separation Program (MDSP) for all employees.

it took me two weeks to arrive at the decision to avail of this program. (two gruesome-mind-boggling-headache-filled weeks) It was February 20, 2009 when i took courage to speak of my plans to my immediate supervisor and my manager. the discussion went like this:

CarlQ: Iha, you are safe for the time being. You are not included in the list of those who will be redundated.

EmmaA: Yes sir. Pero po.. (Yes sir. But..)

JeffL: Naku, mag-aapply sya. (Oh no. She will avail of the program)

EmmaA: Yes sir.

CarlQ: Bakit naman? (Can you tell me why?)

EmmaA: Ganito po kasi yun sir. Kahit saan po wala naman tayong kasiguruhan. Wala akong kasiguruhan sa labas. Pero wala rin akong kasiguruhan dito. Ang pagkakaiba po sir, kahit wala akong kasiguruhan sa labas, alam ko na meron akong magagawa, at meron akong desisyon sa kung saan man ako pupunta. Dito po, wala rin naman akong kasiguruhan eh. Pero wala rin akong magagawa. Maghihintay lang ako. (The reason for this sir is that I know there is no guarantee on everything. There is no guarantee outside this company. But there is no guarantee in here as well. The difference is that, though I do not know what will happen to me when I leave, I know I can do something about it. And I can make my own decision on where I want to go. If I stay here, I do not know, as well, what will happen to us. And I cannot do anything about it. My only choice is to wait.)

JeffL: Oo nga naman, kesa si LQ (test engineering director) lang ang magdesisyon ng buhay mo. At least alam ko na pinag-isipan mo talagang mabuti ang desisyon mo. (You do have a point, instead of just letting LQ to decide for your life. I am thankful that you have put a lot of thought on your options before coming to this decision.)

CarlQ: Ano naman ang plano mo iha kung sakaling ma-approve ka? (So what are your plans if ever you will be approved?)

EmmaA: Gusto ko po sanang magturo. Balak din po namin ni Leovina na mag-take ng Masters.. (I would like to try my skills in the academe. Leovina and I also have plans of getting a Masters Degree.)

(-personal talk here.. blah. blah. blah. .. i just couldnt remember anymore-)

but in the end. LQ will still decide for my life.

since it is "management decided", it was their decision to not let me go. the answer to my letter of intent was a red, official-looking "UNAPPROVED."

my world crashed before my eyes.

everything was in chaos.

i lost hold of my dreams.

i lost hold of my future.

i lost hold of myself.

when you have everything you always wanted. right there in front of your eyes. in arms reach.

only one thin line was there to stop you from taking that step. one thin loopy line. one signature.

of course if i really wanted to go, i could have resigned. yes i could have. but i cant. maybe my reasonings are flawed enough to justify my insistence to leave. or maybe im looking at all these rubble on the other side of the mirror. but i cannot leave on my own. i needed that package. of course i needed that.

first, it offers a kind of payment for those who will be approved. second, the retention contract will be waived. i could pay-off my existing debts. and i am not obliged to pay for my contract. (which by the way is the main reason why i cannot leave the company for the time being.) so i needed that.

so here i am. trying to find the right reasons for putting my best foot forward again in this job. trying to build new dreams. trying to shape a new future. trying to pick up the pieces of myself.

and it is not easy. not one bit.

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star

I would like you to meet Lexi.



Her full name is Nicole Lexi A. Ranoco
Yup. She's mine too.
My little twinkling star.
Born on June 5, 2004
My water broke at exactly 7:15 am in a taxi.
Went inside the delivery room at 7:25 am.
Out in the real world at 7:28am.
Isnt she excited?

I have already given some information about her in my blog about my anniversary.
I met her father about a year after I gave birth to Jam.
He knows about Jam and accepted me still.

The day I learned about my pregnancy, he's just about to graduate and I'm a year behind him.
We decided that we're not ready. We're not ready both emotionally and financially.
We thought that it was for the best if we do not keep the baby but we were afraid on how to do it.

I was doubly anxious of this decision because, one, I do not know how, or where, or if I will survive. Secondly, I've been asking myself why I cant have his baby when I easily accepted in me when Jam came into my life.

Eventually, my parents knew about it and decided to give me away. I went to live with him together with his parents. This had been easier for me because I knew in me that he's the one I wanted to grow old with. He took care of us. Worked hard to provide our needs. He supported me through my last year in college.

It was 5:00am on the 5th of June when I woke with small contractions, I thought it was nothing but small movements by the baby (considering the 2-day labor I had with Jam) but still considered to visit my OB. Also, it was 3 weeks early than my scheduled week of delivery.

An excited little girl smiled at the new world early that morning.
A little star that continually twinkles in our lives with her small antics.
A bright girl who talks too much. With dimpled smiles that make everyday a good day.
My star.

I was right to keep her.

My Moon

This is Jam.

His full name is Jameir Russ Karsten M. Ancaja.

Yup, he's mine.

Carried him for 9 months.

Labored for 2 days.

Went out in the real world in broad daylight.

Born on October 16, 2001. He was a gift.

My moon.

I met his father when I was only 13. We had this ON-OFF kind of relationship all 3 years of highschool because I was studying in Manila and he has to stay in our province.

It was November 2000 when we got together again. I'm 17. It was a serious kind of relationship this time since we were both in college and he's staying near our home.

I was spending most of my non-school hours at his place. My mother approves of him.

My grandmother is friends with his family. My sister calls him "kuya" (big brother).

We were meant for each other.

It was the reason I allowed myself to cross the lines I created for my benefit. Believing that we will get married soon enough. Or that our futures are meant for that.

Apparently, he misunderstood this as a bad change for me. That I was way too liberated for him.

That he wasnt the first. That it wasn't my first time.

I celebrated my debut January. I found out about my pregnancy by February.

I told him this news. He even bought me fruits. He even laid his head on my belly even if I was only 2 weeks pregnant. It was almost too good to be true.

It was until that time when I realized he was not the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Not the person I would pick to father my children.

I did not wish to marry him. Nor wanted to settle things with his family. I did not even ask him to take responsibility for the baby. I left.

My relationship with him is like being covered each day with dark storm clouds.

I was always struggling to see some light.

When I left him I was still in the dark. I have no idea of how to do everything alone. And worst of all, I am helplessly in love with him.

Although I have my family for support, they cannot carry the emotional struggle within me. They could not grasp how much I've been waiting for him to come and get me out of my misery. And how much I hated myself for that.

Good thing I have my moon in me. The reason I still wake up each day to go to school in my maternity dress. The reason I stopped crying in the bathroom when the emotions get too heavy.

The reason I am here now. Stronger. Braver. And Happier. More than I've ever been.

Now, Jam is 7. He's first his class. Active. Smart. And happy.

He will always shine when the sun shies away in my life.

I am me

I am me.
I know the world and the world knows me.
I have nothing to offer and the world has everything in its means.
It does not give, for it is neither kind nor cruel, neither bitter nor sweet.
It is an irony of contradicting ends.

It does not care and will never do.
It is a model of deception; a treasure of truth and an unending puzzle of twists and turns.
It is never real when you're searching for reality nor true when you're looking for meaning.

It does not have a name or an identity, its true nature never revealed.
Knowing it means dying to live it.

The world is never fair.Either one flows with its current or waste one's life opposing it.
One may know how the world works but nobody will ever understand it.
As it never understood anyone as well.

It does not give light but do not allow anyone to live in the darkness.
It only offers the shadows, as on the brink of dawn.
For in light there is trust, and in the darkness, humility.
But behind the shadows there is fear, the fear of being alone.
And the world feeds on that fear.
For fear pushes the person to stay in need of the world.
For the world fears the same fear.

I am a product of the world.
I owe it my life, my future and my destiny.
It controls my fate as it controls others' as well.

It does not allow choices as it claims it does.
Nobody decides for himself for there is nothing left to decide on.
Everything is laid out, nothing to expect for there is nothing we can change.
All that's left to do is to accept, no matter how hard or how cruel the world have been.
And in your darkest moment the world will neither help nor leave you helpless, it is an angel in a limbo.
It is the horizon for which people die to reach but fail to see.
It is an existing boundary between sanity and insanity.
It is a misconception.

I could have lived the way the world wanted me to but I cannot do that.
My fate is my decision to make; my future is never a compromise.
I dont hold grudge for the world but I dont care for it either.
It does not understand me and I dont want to understand it.

I am a believer of myself and I dont let anyone override my ways.
Either I do it my way or it will not be done.
I live for myself and I have everything to lose.
The world tries and will continually try to take everything away from me but that will never happen.
That I will not allow to happen.

Never in my existence that I will permit the world to leave me on bended knees and pleading.

Never will I recognize the irrationality of its ways; nor give up on its sheer injustice.

I am a fighter; that the world does not know.
For fighters die even before they were born, but I am different.
I have always been different.
For I do not live in the shadows and I do not fear.
I do not give to the world for it despises me.
I do not care.
It has given me more than hatred, it taught me to convene in the darkness and hide the certainty of my being.

If there is one thing I do that the world does not, it is to love.
The world never learned to love, did not even tried.
For love is ultimate, it does not render grief nor deceit.
It does not fear nor conquer.

Love is always kind and sweet and it allows decision.
Love is the force that defeats the world.
It is my ability to love that has made me survive the cruelty of the world.
It is how I endured every pain the world's unfairness has given me.

What is there to fear in the midst of love?
Love has shown all ways in that puzzle of twists and turns.
Love identifies itself to those who look for it and manifests its strength to those who have weakened by the grief the world has taught them to feel.

If I die, I will not be wasted in the grounds of the world.
I will not rest upon the shadows of death the world has prepared forthose who have worked against it.
I will not remember the pain it has unselfishly brought to me.
I will not rejoice in its sanctuary.
Instead, I will find peace in the comfort of eternal surrender.
I will waive to the passion of love in my being. I
will not hesitate to conjure laughter.
I will be happy and I will die with a smile.

I am me.

I know the world but the world does not know me.
I am an irony of contradicting ends.

I am in a world of ups and downs, what else could I expect oflife?