Outshone

there is one story i remember, back when i was still a child.
probably in grade 3 or 4. (ok, not so much of a child)

there was a poster we need to finish as a school project. and i was in high spirits.
i locked myself in our room.
exploring my childhood imagination, i experimented with drawings and colors.
i was satisfyingly happy of the outcome.
knowing in me that i did all that i can.

i ran down the stairs gleefully shouting that i finished my project.
i met my mom halfway down and showed her my drawing.

i excitedly told her how beautiful it is.

i will never forget what she told me:

"ang panget panget naman nyan" (its very, very ugly)

it was so painful that i cried out. the very first time i shouted angrily at my mama.

"kasi ang gusto mo lahat lang ng gawa mo ang maganda!" (its because you wanted that only your work will be beautiful!)

it was also the first time she slapped me for answering back.

i think its one of the reasons why until now i always try to please everyone.
for others to see that i do everything the right way.
i am always on my toes trying to be the best.
i wanted everything i do flawless and anything less is a crime.

the truth is, i always see faults in me.
feel that for everything that i've done, its still not enough.
no matter how much i tried. no matter how much of me i put in it,
it will always be less than beautiful.

i created an image of me, someone who took care of everything.
someone always trying to clear out things so others will find their ways free of obstacles
someone always looking for better ways
someone selfless, always giving
an image ive been trying to live up to for the last 20 years.

when all i wanted was to be taken care of,
for someone to appreciate what i can do and what i cant
for someone to accept me for who i am and not someone they wanted me to be.

or maybe, i just wanted somebody to tell me that there is beauty in what i do.
even if its just a grade school poster.