Lingon

Madalas, binabalewala natin yung mga taong sobrang nagmamahal sa atin.
Meron tayong paniniwala na dahil sobra nga ang pagmamahal nila para sa atin, kahit ano man ang mangyari hindi sila mawawala.
Na mananatili lang sila sa ating tabi.
Na hindi nila tayo iiwan.

Alam natin na sa ating paglalakad, nandyan sila sa ating likuran.
Na kung lilingunin man tayo, nandyan pa rin sila. Nakasunod, nakaalalay, nakasuporta.

Dahil sa paniniwalang iyon, madalang na madalang na ang ginagawa nating paglingon.
Hindi natin nakikita ang mga pinagdadaanan nila.
Hindi natin alam na paminsan minsan, humihiling sila na lumingon tayo at ngumiti.
Hindi natin nararamdaman na minsan, gusto nilang sumabay sa paglalakad.
Hindi natin nakikita na minsan, nadadapa sila at nasusugatan.
Hindi natin naririnig na minsan, nasasaktan sila at umiiyak.
Hindi natin naiintindihan na minsan, sila naman ang may kailangan ng pag-alalay at pag-suporta.

Habol tayo ng habol sa napakaraming pagkakataon.
Inuubos natin ang oras natin sa mga bagay na iniisip natin na siyang mahalaga.
At yung mga nagmamahal sa atin, hindi natin sila mabigyan ng kahit kaunting panahon.
Hindi sila nabibigyan kahit kaunting pagpapahalaga.
Nasa ating isip na marami pang panahon para sa kanila, marami pang pagkakataon na darating.
Hindi naman sila mawawala eh. Nandyan lang sila pag dumating na ang panahong iyon, ang pagkakataong iyon.

Minsan lang, baka dahil sa masyado tayong abala sa iba pang napakaraming bagay,
hindi natin napapansin, na sobrang layo na pala tayo sa kanila. Na hindi na nila tayo maabot.
Na naiwan na pala sila.

Sinasabi natin palagi na marami tayong problema, na marami tayong dapat gawin, na marami tayong dapat ayusin. At kailangang mauna ang lahat ng iyon. At sana maintindihan nila tayo kung bakit wala tayong panahon. Madalas, sinasabi natin na pagod tayo at mainit ang ulo. At sa paghiling natin na intindihin nila ang kalagayan natin, hindi natin napapansin na pagod din pala sila.

Hindi natin napansin na napagod na silang umamot ng kaunting panahon.
Na naipon na ang maraming sakit ng damdamin. Na hindi na ganun kalaki ang pagmamahal dahil iisa lang and daloy nito. Puro palabas at walang bumabalik para punan ang pagkukulang.

Walang TAMAng panahon o pagkakataon para suklian natin ang pagmamahal na binibigay sa atin. Hindi naman kailangan na bitiwan natin ang lahat ng ibang mga bagay para magkaroon tayo ng sapat na oras. Minsan, hindi lang natin alam, pero hindi nila kailangan na itigil natin ang ating buhay para sa kanila. Gusto lang nila ng simpleng ngiti, munting yakap, at saglit na haplos.
Para sa kanila sapat na ito upang malaman nila na pinahahalagahan natin ang kanilang bahagi sa ating buhay.

Minsan, kailangan lang nating matutong lumingon.

Ang Ballpen Bow

Ang buhay, para lang ballpen yan..

Iba-iba ang kulay
Iba-iba ang bigat
Iba-iba ang itinatagal


Ang bawat titik na isinulat ng ballpen mo ay simbolo ng bawat pangyayaring tumatatak sa papel ng ating pagkatao. Madalas, nag-iiwan din ng marka ang ating ballpen sa kanvas ng iba. At minsan, ng mundo.


Iba-iba rin ang paraan ng pagkasulat ng ating ballpen. Merong pahaba, patayo, pabilog, at sa maraming pagkakataon, parang kinahig ng manok. Pero ang lahat ay isang pahayag kung saan tayo ang magsisimula, kung saan natin gagamitin at kung saan ang maabot ng ating ballpen.


Wala ito sa halaga o presyo ng ating ballpen. Hindi ito kinakailangang Staedtler o Gtech, hindi rin mahalaga kung Pilot o Panda o Lotus. Hindi sukatan ang pangharap na hitsura para masabi ang kahalagahan ng ating ballpen. Mas mahalaga ang bawat katagang nahabi sa isang makabuluhang salaysay. Mas mahalaga ang bawat daloy ng pagkakataon na huhubog sa ating katauhan.

Paminsan-minsan, nagbo-blot din ang ballpen. Nagiging malabo ang daloy ng mga pagkakataon, nagiging mahirap, at minsan nakakaperwisyo pa nga. Lalo na kung nakaupo ka sa pinakamahalagang pagsusulit ng iyong buhay at nagbo-blot ang ballpen mo.

Merong mga taong pipiliing itapon na ang ballpeng ito. Sa maling paniniwalang wala na itong halaga. Marahil dahil sa galit at kawalan ng pag-asa.

Pero mayroon pa ring hindi susuko. Gagawa at gagawa ng paraan.
Pinapainitan ang ballpen para mas madaling dumaloy ang tinta. Inaalog alog, pinipitik pitik.
Ito ay sa paniniwalang bukas susulat muli ng maganda ang ballpeng ito.
At madalas, nasa lakas lang yan ng paniniwala.

Parang ang buhay natin. Minsan, naiipit tayo at hindi makalabas. Merong mga desisyon na ayaw nating harapin. Mga desisyong susukat sa ating estado at sa paniniwala natin sa ating pagkatao.
Nagtatago tayo at nagsusumiksik sa maliit na tubong iyon at ayaw sumulat.
Sa maraming pagkakataon, kailangan lang nating maalog-alog.

Meron ding pangyayari na magtatae ang ballpen. At magkakalat ito. Sa kamay, sa sangkaterbang papel, sa sahig, sa kamay ng iba, sa papel ng iba. At hindi katulad ng pagbo-blot, hindi ito pwedeng pitik-pitikin dahil siguradong magkakalat ka lalo.

Minsan, mas mabuti pa na hayaan na lang munang maubos ang sobrang tinta. Wala ng dahilan pa para iyakan ang nasayang na. Hindi na ito maibabalik pa. Siguruhin lang natin na lilinisin natin ang ating kalat.

Dumadating sa ating buhay na gumagawa tayo ng mga bagay na kahit alam nating wala sa tamang landas ay patuloy nating ginagawa. Maraming nasasaktan. Marami ang nadadamay.
Magsisi man tayo hindi na maibabalik ang mga nasayang na panahon. Hindi na maibabalik ang mga luha at sakit. Kailangan na lang nating linisin ang ating kalat. At magsimula ulit.

Meron mang kaunting dungis ang ating malaking kanbas, nasa kagandahan pa rin ng bagong mga kataga, salaysay at larawan tayo huhusgahan.

Dilemma

Sometimes late at night I fear, there's more hate in me than the love I feel.
Lurking behind the emotions of anger.
I could not see why but I despise myself for feeding on the thought that this is all a lie.
A betrayal of my own words.
I am both surprised and frightened of the amount of hatred that sleeps within my dreams.
And it is eating me whole.
Consumes me.
I cannot accept in me that I am loving you less than I should. Should? Now it even sounds obligatory to me.
I cannot place it.
My yearning for freedom is burning. Almost suffocating.
No, not from the commitment, but from the hate and the anger.
There is so much pain in my eyes I cannot see pass the shield of enraged coldness.
There is so much bitterness in my heart I cannot penetrate the walls of selfish pride.
I love you and I hate you in its most ironic way.
Like it keeps me alive and kills me at the same time.
Their symphony befriends me in my waking hours.
Embraces me in my slumber.

It is in me.

Let it happen.

I surrender.

Stranded

The semicon business is now in its downturn.
There is very, very low man-power requirement and most of us here are in a state of dreadful doubt of losing our jobs.

Some already chose to leave the company to look for better opportunities abroad.

And some who already spent the last twenty years running the rat race decided to retire and spend their remaining limbs resting on some old wooden rocking chair near the beach.

I can do neither.

First, I have a binding contract to work for this company for the next 3-4 years. This is because of the scholarship program they have given me when I was in college. Resigning would mean I need to pay for all they have spent for my education. Sadly, I dont have that kind of money.

Second, I am sending my kids to school. My hubby always wanted me to stay home to be the loving housewife he dreams about. I would gladly take the challenge. But that means he has to support us, food, shelter education, all the like. BUT, he doesn't earn enough for that. He earns well, but not enough for growing children.

I need this job. I know I do. What I do not know is if the JOB needs me. The last few weeks have been very dull. Our work load is low as well and I've been spending most of my office hours doing nothing but reading blogs, surfing the net and waiting for my email to update its folders. (Not that I am against it.)

But not being productive may mean that I have no worth in the company, which, in this time of crisis, would mean I could be laid off. And no, I cannot accept that.

I am afraid of what is to come. I've been trying to convince myself that the company cannot take this job away from me because of the contract. That they could not waste all those money they spent for me. That they need the intellectual property I have.

But the horrifying truth is that THEY ACTUALLY CAN, THEY ACTUALLY COULD, and THEY ACTUALLY DONT.

What's worse with this is that I dont know where to go from here. This was not part of the long-term plan I made. I cannot leave on my own but if they DO lay me off I will come face-to-face with the real world unprepared. And I cannot accept that either.

I know I have to do something. But what is there to do?

I love flowers

Oooohhh.. I love flowers.. Especially orchids..
But I like tulips as well. I started liking them the first time
when hubby gave it to me on our first month together back in college.
These are in my grandmother's garden.

Miranda Residence. Palauig, Zambales

This is our home in Palauig, Zambales. My children are staying here while I work in Laguna. I only see them once a month.





At least they have a very wide play ground.

Lets talk about that Dull work

I like my job.

I dont necessarily love it but we're friends.

I am currently working in a semiconductor company as a Test Hardware Engineer. (whoooh)
And I would gladly trade it to be a full-time housewife and mother. (And I could do some cross-stitching on my free time). Since I cant be neither in the next 3 years, lets talk about that obsession some other time.

So work.

This is work.

This is engineering multi-tasking, analytical, clerical, boring work.
Ok. Its not at all boring. Its quite challenging actually.
Trying to do everything simultaneously with extreme amount of pressure because everything is due within the day. (And may God save the world because its already 2:55pm.)
But then, I dont want to discuss the technicality of my work here.
That's for my manager to comprehend.

What we need to talk about here is when you feel you dont want to do it anymore.

Work is trapped in your office room. It is in your PC or your laptop. It is in the equipment you use. It is in the four corners of your office building. When you walk out of that glass door after 5:30 pm. You stop working. You start living.

My hubby came home last night feeling all wasted. He asked me whether a time will come when he can retire. He's 26. He hardly slept that night.

This morning I asked him if he was feeling better, he told me he doesnt want to work anymore.

Of course I felt the same way for the last 2 and a half years. I still do. But I have a son to send to school. He needs new shoes because the last one I bought, which was expensive enough for my budget because it promised a long, sturdy lifetime, were already worn out. I needed to pay for the costume he needs to wear because he's participating in the school program. I have a daughter who loves fruits. I have 2 sisters who ask for monthly allowances. I have a cousin I send through college. and I have a hubby who occasionally requests I cook his favorite dish.

I need the job because I need the money. I can quit it anytime I want. (well, after the contract, that is) What I mean is, I could stop working. I could give it up. I could have my lifelong dream of being loving housewife. I could finally learn doing bonsai plants. But for me, it would mean I have to give them up too. My son has to stop school. And my daughter would not be able to eat apples if its not christmas and my sisters and cousin have to work their way through college.

No, money cannot buy happiness. But it could buy the remote control helicopter my son wants for his birthday. My wallet is lighter by a few hundred pesos but my heart is heavier with love and happiness when I see him with his dada playing under the sun.

However, work has its bad days as it has good. And sometimes the bad are reason enough to stop loving your work. Or liking it, for that matter. Because you feel stranded. Your work is going nowhere and you feel you are too. There will be failures, there are bad memos, there are For-Improvement notices, missed deadlines, money loss, and hurt ego. But one thing I learned in this lifetime, you go where you choose to. Everybody gets a chance to play. If you let all the downfalls get into you. It will. Nobody is a failure until he thinks he is. Get up. There's no better way than standing up from your fall and not falling on the same spot again.

Work to live, not live to work. Let work worry you for 8 hours all during company time, leave all the worries behind when its time to go home. Do not let it take over your life. As I say, there's so much more to life than the big project you're handling right now. Go home, take you kids to their favorite fastfood. Eat fries. Watch a feel-good movie with your wife. Pray. Sleep well.

When you wake up. There is work. But it will be better. Because you feel better for yourself.

You and your work is a compromise. Its like a relationship. You take care of it and it takes care of you. And you get a fair share of the bargain.