Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star

I would like you to meet Lexi.



Her full name is Nicole Lexi A. Ranoco
Yup. She's mine too.
My little twinkling star.
Born on June 5, 2004
My water broke at exactly 7:15 am in a taxi.
Went inside the delivery room at 7:25 am.
Out in the real world at 7:28am.
Isnt she excited?

I have already given some information about her in my blog about my anniversary.
I met her father about a year after I gave birth to Jam.
He knows about Jam and accepted me still.

The day I learned about my pregnancy, he's just about to graduate and I'm a year behind him.
We decided that we're not ready. We're not ready both emotionally and financially.
We thought that it was for the best if we do not keep the baby but we were afraid on how to do it.

I was doubly anxious of this decision because, one, I do not know how, or where, or if I will survive. Secondly, I've been asking myself why I cant have his baby when I easily accepted in me when Jam came into my life.

Eventually, my parents knew about it and decided to give me away. I went to live with him together with his parents. This had been easier for me because I knew in me that he's the one I wanted to grow old with. He took care of us. Worked hard to provide our needs. He supported me through my last year in college.

It was 5:00am on the 5th of June when I woke with small contractions, I thought it was nothing but small movements by the baby (considering the 2-day labor I had with Jam) but still considered to visit my OB. Also, it was 3 weeks early than my scheduled week of delivery.

An excited little girl smiled at the new world early that morning.
A little star that continually twinkles in our lives with her small antics.
A bright girl who talks too much. With dimpled smiles that make everyday a good day.
My star.

I was right to keep her.

My Moon

This is Jam.

His full name is Jameir Russ Karsten M. Ancaja.

Yup, he's mine.

Carried him for 9 months.

Labored for 2 days.

Went out in the real world in broad daylight.

Born on October 16, 2001. He was a gift.

My moon.

I met his father when I was only 13. We had this ON-OFF kind of relationship all 3 years of highschool because I was studying in Manila and he has to stay in our province.

It was November 2000 when we got together again. I'm 17. It was a serious kind of relationship this time since we were both in college and he's staying near our home.

I was spending most of my non-school hours at his place. My mother approves of him.

My grandmother is friends with his family. My sister calls him "kuya" (big brother).

We were meant for each other.

It was the reason I allowed myself to cross the lines I created for my benefit. Believing that we will get married soon enough. Or that our futures are meant for that.

Apparently, he misunderstood this as a bad change for me. That I was way too liberated for him.

That he wasnt the first. That it wasn't my first time.

I celebrated my debut January. I found out about my pregnancy by February.

I told him this news. He even bought me fruits. He even laid his head on my belly even if I was only 2 weeks pregnant. It was almost too good to be true.

It was until that time when I realized he was not the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Not the person I would pick to father my children.

I did not wish to marry him. Nor wanted to settle things with his family. I did not even ask him to take responsibility for the baby. I left.

My relationship with him is like being covered each day with dark storm clouds.

I was always struggling to see some light.

When I left him I was still in the dark. I have no idea of how to do everything alone. And worst of all, I am helplessly in love with him.

Although I have my family for support, they cannot carry the emotional struggle within me. They could not grasp how much I've been waiting for him to come and get me out of my misery. And how much I hated myself for that.

Good thing I have my moon in me. The reason I still wake up each day to go to school in my maternity dress. The reason I stopped crying in the bathroom when the emotions get too heavy.

The reason I am here now. Stronger. Braver. And Happier. More than I've ever been.

Now, Jam is 7. He's first his class. Active. Smart. And happy.

He will always shine when the sun shies away in my life.

I am me

I am me.
I know the world and the world knows me.
I have nothing to offer and the world has everything in its means.
It does not give, for it is neither kind nor cruel, neither bitter nor sweet.
It is an irony of contradicting ends.

It does not care and will never do.
It is a model of deception; a treasure of truth and an unending puzzle of twists and turns.
It is never real when you're searching for reality nor true when you're looking for meaning.

It does not have a name or an identity, its true nature never revealed.
Knowing it means dying to live it.

The world is never fair.Either one flows with its current or waste one's life opposing it.
One may know how the world works but nobody will ever understand it.
As it never understood anyone as well.

It does not give light but do not allow anyone to live in the darkness.
It only offers the shadows, as on the brink of dawn.
For in light there is trust, and in the darkness, humility.
But behind the shadows there is fear, the fear of being alone.
And the world feeds on that fear.
For fear pushes the person to stay in need of the world.
For the world fears the same fear.

I am a product of the world.
I owe it my life, my future and my destiny.
It controls my fate as it controls others' as well.

It does not allow choices as it claims it does.
Nobody decides for himself for there is nothing left to decide on.
Everything is laid out, nothing to expect for there is nothing we can change.
All that's left to do is to accept, no matter how hard or how cruel the world have been.
And in your darkest moment the world will neither help nor leave you helpless, it is an angel in a limbo.
It is the horizon for which people die to reach but fail to see.
It is an existing boundary between sanity and insanity.
It is a misconception.

I could have lived the way the world wanted me to but I cannot do that.
My fate is my decision to make; my future is never a compromise.
I dont hold grudge for the world but I dont care for it either.
It does not understand me and I dont want to understand it.

I am a believer of myself and I dont let anyone override my ways.
Either I do it my way or it will not be done.
I live for myself and I have everything to lose.
The world tries and will continually try to take everything away from me but that will never happen.
That I will not allow to happen.

Never in my existence that I will permit the world to leave me on bended knees and pleading.

Never will I recognize the irrationality of its ways; nor give up on its sheer injustice.

I am a fighter; that the world does not know.
For fighters die even before they were born, but I am different.
I have always been different.
For I do not live in the shadows and I do not fear.
I do not give to the world for it despises me.
I do not care.
It has given me more than hatred, it taught me to convene in the darkness and hide the certainty of my being.

If there is one thing I do that the world does not, it is to love.
The world never learned to love, did not even tried.
For love is ultimate, it does not render grief nor deceit.
It does not fear nor conquer.

Love is always kind and sweet and it allows decision.
Love is the force that defeats the world.
It is my ability to love that has made me survive the cruelty of the world.
It is how I endured every pain the world's unfairness has given me.

What is there to fear in the midst of love?
Love has shown all ways in that puzzle of twists and turns.
Love identifies itself to those who look for it and manifests its strength to those who have weakened by the grief the world has taught them to feel.

If I die, I will not be wasted in the grounds of the world.
I will not rest upon the shadows of death the world has prepared forthose who have worked against it.
I will not remember the pain it has unselfishly brought to me.
I will not rejoice in its sanctuary.
Instead, I will find peace in the comfort of eternal surrender.
I will waive to the passion of love in my being. I
will not hesitate to conjure laughter.
I will be happy and I will die with a smile.

I am me.

I know the world but the world does not know me.
I am an irony of contradicting ends.

I am in a world of ups and downs, what else could I expect oflife?

Lingon

Madalas, binabalewala natin yung mga taong sobrang nagmamahal sa atin.
Meron tayong paniniwala na dahil sobra nga ang pagmamahal nila para sa atin, kahit ano man ang mangyari hindi sila mawawala.
Na mananatili lang sila sa ating tabi.
Na hindi nila tayo iiwan.

Alam natin na sa ating paglalakad, nandyan sila sa ating likuran.
Na kung lilingunin man tayo, nandyan pa rin sila. Nakasunod, nakaalalay, nakasuporta.

Dahil sa paniniwalang iyon, madalang na madalang na ang ginagawa nating paglingon.
Hindi natin nakikita ang mga pinagdadaanan nila.
Hindi natin alam na paminsan minsan, humihiling sila na lumingon tayo at ngumiti.
Hindi natin nararamdaman na minsan, gusto nilang sumabay sa paglalakad.
Hindi natin nakikita na minsan, nadadapa sila at nasusugatan.
Hindi natin naririnig na minsan, nasasaktan sila at umiiyak.
Hindi natin naiintindihan na minsan, sila naman ang may kailangan ng pag-alalay at pag-suporta.

Habol tayo ng habol sa napakaraming pagkakataon.
Inuubos natin ang oras natin sa mga bagay na iniisip natin na siyang mahalaga.
At yung mga nagmamahal sa atin, hindi natin sila mabigyan ng kahit kaunting panahon.
Hindi sila nabibigyan kahit kaunting pagpapahalaga.
Nasa ating isip na marami pang panahon para sa kanila, marami pang pagkakataon na darating.
Hindi naman sila mawawala eh. Nandyan lang sila pag dumating na ang panahong iyon, ang pagkakataong iyon.

Minsan lang, baka dahil sa masyado tayong abala sa iba pang napakaraming bagay,
hindi natin napapansin, na sobrang layo na pala tayo sa kanila. Na hindi na nila tayo maabot.
Na naiwan na pala sila.

Sinasabi natin palagi na marami tayong problema, na marami tayong dapat gawin, na marami tayong dapat ayusin. At kailangang mauna ang lahat ng iyon. At sana maintindihan nila tayo kung bakit wala tayong panahon. Madalas, sinasabi natin na pagod tayo at mainit ang ulo. At sa paghiling natin na intindihin nila ang kalagayan natin, hindi natin napapansin na pagod din pala sila.

Hindi natin napansin na napagod na silang umamot ng kaunting panahon.
Na naipon na ang maraming sakit ng damdamin. Na hindi na ganun kalaki ang pagmamahal dahil iisa lang and daloy nito. Puro palabas at walang bumabalik para punan ang pagkukulang.

Walang TAMAng panahon o pagkakataon para suklian natin ang pagmamahal na binibigay sa atin. Hindi naman kailangan na bitiwan natin ang lahat ng ibang mga bagay para magkaroon tayo ng sapat na oras. Minsan, hindi lang natin alam, pero hindi nila kailangan na itigil natin ang ating buhay para sa kanila. Gusto lang nila ng simpleng ngiti, munting yakap, at saglit na haplos.
Para sa kanila sapat na ito upang malaman nila na pinahahalagahan natin ang kanilang bahagi sa ating buhay.

Minsan, kailangan lang nating matutong lumingon.

Ang Ballpen Bow

Ang buhay, para lang ballpen yan..

Iba-iba ang kulay
Iba-iba ang bigat
Iba-iba ang itinatagal


Ang bawat titik na isinulat ng ballpen mo ay simbolo ng bawat pangyayaring tumatatak sa papel ng ating pagkatao. Madalas, nag-iiwan din ng marka ang ating ballpen sa kanvas ng iba. At minsan, ng mundo.


Iba-iba rin ang paraan ng pagkasulat ng ating ballpen. Merong pahaba, patayo, pabilog, at sa maraming pagkakataon, parang kinahig ng manok. Pero ang lahat ay isang pahayag kung saan tayo ang magsisimula, kung saan natin gagamitin at kung saan ang maabot ng ating ballpen.


Wala ito sa halaga o presyo ng ating ballpen. Hindi ito kinakailangang Staedtler o Gtech, hindi rin mahalaga kung Pilot o Panda o Lotus. Hindi sukatan ang pangharap na hitsura para masabi ang kahalagahan ng ating ballpen. Mas mahalaga ang bawat katagang nahabi sa isang makabuluhang salaysay. Mas mahalaga ang bawat daloy ng pagkakataon na huhubog sa ating katauhan.

Paminsan-minsan, nagbo-blot din ang ballpen. Nagiging malabo ang daloy ng mga pagkakataon, nagiging mahirap, at minsan nakakaperwisyo pa nga. Lalo na kung nakaupo ka sa pinakamahalagang pagsusulit ng iyong buhay at nagbo-blot ang ballpen mo.

Merong mga taong pipiliing itapon na ang ballpeng ito. Sa maling paniniwalang wala na itong halaga. Marahil dahil sa galit at kawalan ng pag-asa.

Pero mayroon pa ring hindi susuko. Gagawa at gagawa ng paraan.
Pinapainitan ang ballpen para mas madaling dumaloy ang tinta. Inaalog alog, pinipitik pitik.
Ito ay sa paniniwalang bukas susulat muli ng maganda ang ballpeng ito.
At madalas, nasa lakas lang yan ng paniniwala.

Parang ang buhay natin. Minsan, naiipit tayo at hindi makalabas. Merong mga desisyon na ayaw nating harapin. Mga desisyong susukat sa ating estado at sa paniniwala natin sa ating pagkatao.
Nagtatago tayo at nagsusumiksik sa maliit na tubong iyon at ayaw sumulat.
Sa maraming pagkakataon, kailangan lang nating maalog-alog.

Meron ding pangyayari na magtatae ang ballpen. At magkakalat ito. Sa kamay, sa sangkaterbang papel, sa sahig, sa kamay ng iba, sa papel ng iba. At hindi katulad ng pagbo-blot, hindi ito pwedeng pitik-pitikin dahil siguradong magkakalat ka lalo.

Minsan, mas mabuti pa na hayaan na lang munang maubos ang sobrang tinta. Wala ng dahilan pa para iyakan ang nasayang na. Hindi na ito maibabalik pa. Siguruhin lang natin na lilinisin natin ang ating kalat.

Dumadating sa ating buhay na gumagawa tayo ng mga bagay na kahit alam nating wala sa tamang landas ay patuloy nating ginagawa. Maraming nasasaktan. Marami ang nadadamay.
Magsisi man tayo hindi na maibabalik ang mga nasayang na panahon. Hindi na maibabalik ang mga luha at sakit. Kailangan na lang nating linisin ang ating kalat. At magsimula ulit.

Meron mang kaunting dungis ang ating malaking kanbas, nasa kagandahan pa rin ng bagong mga kataga, salaysay at larawan tayo huhusgahan.

Dilemma

Sometimes late at night I fear, there's more hate in me than the love I feel.
Lurking behind the emotions of anger.
I could not see why but I despise myself for feeding on the thought that this is all a lie.
A betrayal of my own words.
I am both surprised and frightened of the amount of hatred that sleeps within my dreams.
And it is eating me whole.
Consumes me.
I cannot accept in me that I am loving you less than I should. Should? Now it even sounds obligatory to me.
I cannot place it.
My yearning for freedom is burning. Almost suffocating.
No, not from the commitment, but from the hate and the anger.
There is so much pain in my eyes I cannot see pass the shield of enraged coldness.
There is so much bitterness in my heart I cannot penetrate the walls of selfish pride.
I love you and I hate you in its most ironic way.
Like it keeps me alive and kills me at the same time.
Their symphony befriends me in my waking hours.
Embraces me in my slumber.

It is in me.

Let it happen.

I surrender.

Stranded

The semicon business is now in its downturn.
There is very, very low man-power requirement and most of us here are in a state of dreadful doubt of losing our jobs.

Some already chose to leave the company to look for better opportunities abroad.

And some who already spent the last twenty years running the rat race decided to retire and spend their remaining limbs resting on some old wooden rocking chair near the beach.

I can do neither.

First, I have a binding contract to work for this company for the next 3-4 years. This is because of the scholarship program they have given me when I was in college. Resigning would mean I need to pay for all they have spent for my education. Sadly, I dont have that kind of money.

Second, I am sending my kids to school. My hubby always wanted me to stay home to be the loving housewife he dreams about. I would gladly take the challenge. But that means he has to support us, food, shelter education, all the like. BUT, he doesn't earn enough for that. He earns well, but not enough for growing children.

I need this job. I know I do. What I do not know is if the JOB needs me. The last few weeks have been very dull. Our work load is low as well and I've been spending most of my office hours doing nothing but reading blogs, surfing the net and waiting for my email to update its folders. (Not that I am against it.)

But not being productive may mean that I have no worth in the company, which, in this time of crisis, would mean I could be laid off. And no, I cannot accept that.

I am afraid of what is to come. I've been trying to convince myself that the company cannot take this job away from me because of the contract. That they could not waste all those money they spent for me. That they need the intellectual property I have.

But the horrifying truth is that THEY ACTUALLY CAN, THEY ACTUALLY COULD, and THEY ACTUALLY DONT.

What's worse with this is that I dont know where to go from here. This was not part of the long-term plan I made. I cannot leave on my own but if they DO lay me off I will come face-to-face with the real world unprepared. And I cannot accept that either.

I know I have to do something. But what is there to do?