Moving Backwards

I know now.
I was not ready to forgive you.
You did not give me enough time to heal.
You forced me to move forward too soon.
That now, I'm having a hard time reconciling what my heart is feeling and what my mind is telling.
I'm failing to understand why I keep on loving the one person who hurt me the most.

Unwelcome Thoughts

The following is not of my doing, but I'm posting it for reasons which I find selfish yet pierce my heart in ways even I do not understand.


Don't be selfish. If you do not love the way her hair curls at the ends or her nose wrinkles when she laughs, then let her go. If you don't see her as a fucking masterpiece, then let her go, because someone else will.
Don't be selfish. If you don't love the way she sneezes, or the way she dribbles the toothpaste down her chin when she brushes her teeth then let her go. If you're heart doesn't almost beat out of your chest when you wake up and the first thing you see is her soundly sleeping on your shoulder, let her go. Someone else would kill for that.
Being with someone when you know you don't love her is cruel. It's not only cruel, it's holding her back from someone who can give her everything. Someone who feels waves breaking in his ribcage when he see her walk around the corner. Someone who has had the worst of days, but rainbows suddenly appear at the thought of her. Someone who hears the sound of her voice and it soothes the darkest of nightmares. If that is not you, let her go.
She is a wonder, she is magic, she deserves someone who believes that every single day, and not just on certain days.
 
Don't be selfish. If you do not love the contours of his hands, or the way his brows arch when he is thinking hard, then let him go. If you don't see him as the most amazing thing to have happened to you, then let him go, because someone else will.
Don't be selfish. If you don't love the way his nose turns red when he has a cold, or the way his fingers curl around your arm, then let him go. If your heart doesn't almost always beat out of your chest when you wake up and the first thing you see is him soundly sleeping, disarmed and innocent. Someone else would be pining for that.
Being with someone when you know you don't love him is cruel. It's not only cruel, it's holding him back from someone who could give him everything. Someone who has a thousand oceans rising within her when she looks into his eyes. Someone who has had the worst of days, but fireworks go abuzz at the sight of him. Someone who desires the feeling of his arms around her as it soothes the darkest of nightmares. If that is not you, then let him go.
He is not just the idea of love, he is love himself. He deserves someone who believes that every single day.


In a way, I get it. If you cant love the person, in and out, in ways of simplicity or grandeur, every single day, no matter how hell bad that day is, its better to let go.
And then I thought to myself, I don't always like him , and I know we don't always see everything eye-to-eye. There are even days that I hate him. I also sense that there are days he hates me too. I know that there are days when I don't want to listen, and nights when I'm so angry, I won't even dare to hold him.
There are moments that I feel I deserve more than what he can give me. And that I have given more than enough. There are days that I want to be held, cherished, pampered, loved more than what I expect, more than what I want, more than what I need. And then there are days when I want to be free, without obligations, without expectations, without giving.

We all have this notion, a pre-conceived idea of how love should be. Should being the operative word. An ideal where love is flowers and chocolates and romantic dinners. Where there are no flaws too big, no differences too wide, no heartaches too deep. The truth is, love is not defined by the limits of the mind. It cannot be framed with the boundaries of the superficial.

And so to let go, like everything else, is a choice. To choose to let him go because I hated the way he picked his nose, or the way he sleeps 18hrs a day, or his goddamn guts, is choosing to let go of the warm hugs when I'm scared shitless because of the storm; and the coloring materials he bought me because I was depressed; and the chocolates and hamburgers I requested even if its bad for my health; and the smiles and the laughter and the tears brought about by being together for 13 years; and the friendship that kept us from kiling each other; and the silent kisses and whispers of 'i love you' in the dead of night, when the mind stopped thinking and the heart starts speaking.

Tell me, how do you let go?

Pretense

there's too much pain in my heart
too much pain that the tears just kept falling, without end
i don't even have the strength to stop them

there's too much confusion in my head
too confused that the memories kept flashing in my thoughts
i don't even know what's true anymore

i could remember every embrace, every kiss, every whisper of love
i remember every touch, every look, every smile
i remember every struggle, every pain, every ounce of anger
i remember trying, failing, and trying again
i remember every guilt, every tear, every slice of hurt

and everything is a pretense
everything is a lie
everything is a realization of false hopes

and i thought there's no pain greater than being left behind
this is a deeper kind of pain, something that will never go away.
something that will reside in the deepest, darkest part of my heart
the pain that blinds love, hope, tomorrow

the pain that makes a person choose... oblivion

everything is a pretense.

Undiluted Fear

For the first time in my life, I fear for me.

I have been trying to hold back in taking this step for as long as I can remember.

The past years I was just trying to get out of the hole I myself dug.
There were no excuses, only justifications of the why.
I could not bear to even think about it, I was too ashamed.
All I wanted was redemption. Freedom from guilt. From sin.

The path I chosen was never easy. I preferred it that way.
It was my means of making amends.
So I did what I have to do. I did what is asked of me.
I did what I thought will save us. I crawled.

I was under false hopes that I was making progress.
I thought I was building something, a foundation for permanence.
Yet, after I pulled myself out of the depths of error,
I am forced to admit I am, again, wrong.

Now, I fear.
I fear that everything that happened lead me to this.
I fear the realization I have been standing on the edge of this cliff
I fear that I wanted to jump off and just... fall.

A View of Never

I was ready for the pain. It was his day. Hers.
But I never thought it would hurt too much.

I busied myself as everybody’s make-up artist, hairdresser, convenience store and personal assistant. I believed tiring myself to the extreme will numb me of emotions.

But.

When she took that first step in that red carpet, in that white flowing dress, the tears blinded me.
I was wrong. I wasn’t ready. Never was.

It is impossible even to pretend that everything was and will be okay.
I was torn between being happy for him, for them, and being sorry for myself.
I don’t need to look in the mirror to know that my eyes lack the luster of happiness.
The smile on my face was an outward lie.

It was in the vows that I lost all hopes. I give up.

I will never have this moment.
No matter how much I dream.

Surrender

it was pain more than i can bear yet my body shows no scar
i tried but the tears never stopped
i am blinded by the irony of pain and belief
i am lost in my own struggles

i closed myself to understanding
i hid myself from the truth
i could not listen to the whispers
i would not feel the wind

and then You touched my heart
held it in Your hands
You made me see how strong, you made me feel how full
i found what has been lost

You have been telling me, i am strong
shouting that i cannot doubt myself again
You have been holding me
carrying me when i thought i was alone

You have shown me my path
with light and big arrows
You have been calling me
i was there all along but i failed to see

to you, i surrender. everything.

Strangers

It was more of a chance than coincidence.
Both of us being in the same place and time, two days in a row.
I wasn’t expecting you to stop again.
Considering the doubtful question yesterday.
The only sentence that was spoken between the two of us for the last 5 years.
Yet you did.

I wouldn’t be able to explain what I saw in your eyes that morning.

Hate. Anger. Regret. And very faintly that I could almost say I imagined it, love.
So when you turned around and traversed the road that was familiar yet haunting to me, I held my breath.

Silence hung between us.

I could count the number of your breaths.
The beating of my heart.
I wanted to look at you but I am so afraid the moment might lose its grip.
That you might snap back to reality.
I was both hoping and dreading that you would.

Silently, you drove us to that place beneath the trees.

The one place in this world I could not bear to be.
Without question, you took my hand and led me within the shadows.
And for the length of an eternity, you held me.
Held me as if yesterday was a memory that was never there.
Held me as if tomorrow is a future that is not possible to happen.

I just closed my eyes and let you.

Then I let the tears flow. Uncontrollably. The ones I held for years.

I assume I fell asleep. Because when I opened my eyes, the sun is high in the sky, and the leaves shone brightly as they dance.

I looked at you when I felt you stir beside me.
For a fraction of a second I travelled back in time. When I could look into your eyes and feel that the world righted itself overnight.

Your lips touched mine briefly, light as a feather.

You held me again. But this, with urgency. As if time is running out. In metaphor, I believe it is.

Without explanation, we drove back.
To the place where nobody knew.
To the place where our past was nothing but a murmur among the entire buzz.

Back to how we were.

Strangers.