Strangers

It was more of a chance than coincidence.
Both of us being in the same place and time, two days in a row.
I wasn’t expecting you to stop again.
Considering the doubtful question yesterday.
The only sentence that was spoken between the two of us for the last 5 years.
Yet you did.

I wouldn’t be able to explain what I saw in your eyes that morning.

Hate. Anger. Regret. And very faintly that I could almost say I imagined it, love.
So when you turned around and traversed the road that was familiar yet haunting to me, I held my breath.

Silence hung between us.

I could count the number of your breaths.
The beating of my heart.
I wanted to look at you but I am so afraid the moment might lose its grip.
That you might snap back to reality.
I was both hoping and dreading that you would.

Silently, you drove us to that place beneath the trees.

The one place in this world I could not bear to be.
Without question, you took my hand and led me within the shadows.
And for the length of an eternity, you held me.
Held me as if yesterday was a memory that was never there.
Held me as if tomorrow is a future that is not possible to happen.

I just closed my eyes and let you.

Then I let the tears flow. Uncontrollably. The ones I held for years.

I assume I fell asleep. Because when I opened my eyes, the sun is high in the sky, and the leaves shone brightly as they dance.

I looked at you when I felt you stir beside me.
For a fraction of a second I travelled back in time. When I could look into your eyes and feel that the world righted itself overnight.

Your lips touched mine briefly, light as a feather.

You held me again. But this, with urgency. As if time is running out. In metaphor, I believe it is.

Without explanation, we drove back.
To the place where nobody knew.
To the place where our past was nothing but a murmur among the entire buzz.

Back to how we were.

Strangers.

Jeps

Everytime a day unfolds,
I see all the possibilities the world has to offer
I can play in the sun today
Or ride the bullet train
Maybe climb the Eiffel tower
Or swim the English Channel
I can sip my coffee in France
Or eat tacos in Mexico
Maybe rebuild the pyramids in Egypt
Or rediscover Atlantis
I can also choose to be just me today
I'll be lazy and I'll 'work' the day off
Or I'll surf the net and humor my sister with updates
Maybe I'll be my usual pessimist self
and negate all the good in the world

But TODAY, I want to be different
Today, I'll look inside
Find all the possibilities I can offer
I can play with my strengths
and ride the waves of my dreams
Maybe climb an improvement tower
and swim over my mistakes
I can sip coffee back in school
and eat back at home
Maybe rebuild my life over
and rediscover my own treasures
I can choose to be the NEW me
I'll find how my 'work' can develop me
and surf the net on ways to do this
Maybe I'll be an optimist for the day
and see the beauty of the world

Today, I will remember, I was born for something.
And I'll haul my lazy ass up and find it.

Isang Araw ng Martes

Nagsimula ang salaysay na ito kahapon, sa jeep. Habang pinag-iisipan ko kung bibili ba ako ng cake sa Red Ribbon at ng pizza sa Pizza Hut. Nabubuo sa isip ko ang takbo ng kwentong ito habang naglalakad ako, kasabay ng pag-alala ko kung noong teenager ako, sampung taon na ang nakararaan (ang 19 naman ay teenager pa diba?), ay nag celebrate ba ako ng Valentine's Day. Kung ang taon na yun ng nakaraan ang ating pag-uusapan, sasagutin ko ito ng hindi. Hindi lang dahil sa wala akong boyfriend nung taon na yun, pero dahil pinili ko na hindi.

Ang palabas sa bus pagsakay ko, "Bata, Bata, Paano Ka Ginawa?". Akala ko madrama na ang buhay ko. Pero dahil naiyak pa rin ako sa kwento, naisip ko na baka mas madrama ang buhay nya. Kasi katulad ni Lea, dalawa rin ang anak ko. Isang lalake, yung panganay, at isang babae, yung bunso. At katulad din ng sitwasyon ni Lea, magkaiba rin ang tatay ng mga anak ko. Hindi ko masabi kung sino ang mas swerte sa amin ni Lea, sa gitna ng mga drama namin sa buhay. Nagkaroon ng pagkakataon si Lea na ikasal, ako hindi. Iniwan naman siya ng dalawang lalake sa buhay nya, habang kasama ko pa rin hanggang ngayon ang ama ng aking bunso.

Minsan, ang hirap ding intindihin ng buhay. Malingat ka lang sandali, magugulat ka, nawala ka na sa pila, naiwanan ka na, naliligaw. At kung hindi mo paghihirapan na hanapin ang tamang daan, baka hindi ka na makarating sa iyong dapat puntahan. Pero minsan, sinasadya rin ng pagkakataon na malihis ka ng landas, na madapa ka, na masugatan. Pag nadapa ang anak ko, hindi yun umiiyak, tatayo siya mula sa pagkakadapa, magpapagpag ng duming dumikit sa kanyang katawan, at tatakbo ulit. Minsan, mas marami kang matututunan sa mga bata.

Kahapon din sa gitna ng aking pagtatangka na maging abogado ng isang araw, meron akong mga kaibigan na sumusubok sa kaligayahan ng puso. Walang makapagsasabi kung saan man patutungo ang kanilang sitwasyon ngayon. Maaari silang masaktan, ngunit nandun pa rin ang pag-asa na hindi at tuluyan silang maging masaya. Isa sa mga natutunan ko sa aking buhay, may dahilan at may tamang panahon ang lahat ng bagay. Kung tama man ang kanilang nararamdaman ngayon, baka mali pa ang panahon para sa kanila. Pero kailan pa?

Minsan, ang paniniwala ko, merong mga taong perpekto. Mga taong, sasabihin mo, nasa kanila na ang lahat. At ang mga taong ito ay hinahangaan ko. Dahil nakikita ko ang kanilang galing, ang kanilang pagmamahal sa kanilang ginagawa, ang kanilang paninindigan. Iniisip ko na may hangganan ang kakulangan ng tao. Na darating ang isang araw, na nasa iyo na ang lahat ng kailangan mo. At wala ka ng ibang hihilingin pa. Pero kahapon, nalaman ko, marami rin palang lungkot na nakatago sa mga ngiti ng mga taong akala ko perpekto. Maraming mga luha sa likod ng mga halakhak. Nalaman ko na kahit gaano ka man kagaling, gaano man kataas ang posisyon mo sa buhay, laging merong kulang. Hindi ko inaalis ang paghanga ko sa kanila at sa kanilang kakayahan, pero naintindihan ko, na katulad ko rin sila. Hindi perpekto. Napatunayan ko na hindi nasusukat sa laki ng bahay ang kaligayahan ng isang tao. Minsan, may kayamanan sa gitna ng kawalan at may kapayapaan sa gitna ng kaguluhan. Minsan, kaya ng tao na umiyak at tumawa ng sabay.
Nasaan kaya ako sampung taon mula ngayon? Saan kaya tutungo ang aking landas? Sana sa panahong iyon, may kakayahan pa akong magsulat. Sana, marami na akong natutunan sa buhay. Sana may puwang pa sa mga bagong kaalaman. Sana, kahit may kulang, meron akong akin. Sana may lungkot at may saya. Sana, kung nasa gitna man ako ng kawalan, basta may pagmamahal, at kapayapaan.

Sana sa isa pang araw ng Martes, merong ituro sa akin ang buhay.

version 1.01

The only thing constant is change.

And so I took the constant force for change into effect.

After 4 years and 11 months with Engineering, I finally decided to shift my career to Human Resources.

Yup, you read that right, HR.

What made me do it?
Change.

What feared me most?
Change.

What pushed me through?
Change.

The aspect of change both excited and scared me out of my wits.
I put on my battle gear and head on for battle.

I have my mediocre writing and speaking skills as helm.
My charisma with people as pauldron.
My love for teaching as breastplate.
I donned my technical skills as scales.
I wore my strength as gauntlets.
I held my forced confidence to take on challenges as my shield.
And I forged my self-belief as spear.

I didnt fail to notice though, that I have no cuisse and greaves.
The things that could have helped me keep my head held high.

And this is what scares me, being incomplete.
If I'm going to be as honest as possible, I would tell you I wasn't prepared for this.
I wasn't built for this.

I spent 10 years consumed in mathematical problems, electronic circuits and designs.

Everything is based on things I can calculate, things I can draw, things that can be represented by logic gates.

I breathe in test analysis, resistor and capacitor readings, I troubleshoot hardware failures. I work alone. I fail alone. I succeed alone.

So what the hell am I thinking moving to HR?

I was thinking of all the things I like to do.
writing, teaching, reading.

I was thinking of all the things I can do.
knowledge sharing, leading, mentoring.

I was thinking of all the things I need to do.
learning, advancing, growing.

I was thinking of all the things I will do.
creating, developing, molding

And so you ask,

Am I overworked?
Yes.

Am I in a lot of pressure?
Yes.

Am I pushing myself to the limits?
Yes.

Am I happy?
Hell, yes.

So let's stop all these drama.

Worthless

Worthless.
that is exactly how you made me feel.
this may sound harsh.
but this is me.
and this is my blog.
and i dont give a damn on how you feel about it.
you made it clear well enough last night.

everytime, before i sleep, i try to salvage as much self-worth i still have.
but after a long time, it still get to me.
im not worth anything.
i walk with other people and i belittle myself.
i see all the smiles and ask why i cant be worthy of even such a small gesture.
i go to work thinking i cant live up to everyone's expectations.
i will fail and will be the cause of shame.
i call my kids and they tell me how much ive been missing big chunks of their lives.
im not even worthy as a mother.
i call mama to seek comfort, and she would enumerate the numerous occasion that passed without me, not even remembering to call
i even fail as a daughter.
im not worth anything at all.

i try. everytime. i try to be worth something.
everytime i lose a piece of me.
i lose a piece of what i believe in.
one day, i might wake up and wouldnt even recognize me.

A Break in a Joyride

I look at you.

I didn’t notice that all the while I was holding my breath. I am completely taken that I find it hard to concentrate on the road.

Not that I need to, you drive well.

I sense familiarity in your movements, as if you’ve been doing this all your life.
I guess you have, judging by the way your hand shape itself in the wheel.
Almost like a caress.

I held you with my eyes. It is almost impossible to tear them away from you.

You look at me and smile.

I love that smile. Your all-knowing smile.

I like the fact that you know I’ve been watching you.

I almost called your name out. Would have voiced out how I felt.

I failed to stop my gasp when you reached over to hold my hand.

I looked ahead now.

And for the first time, I noticed the sun in my face and the wind blowing my hair
The dirt covered road.
Our song in the radio.
The beating of your heart.
Your hand still holding mine.

I’m counting every minute. Trying to hold back time.
Because today we end this joyride.
But not now. Now is for feeling the warmth of your hand. And looking at the content of your smile.

Now I see “us”. Together.

Tomorrow we go back to finding reasons to wake up in the morning.

I’m not ready. Never was.
Coz in the end of this roadtrip, there’s no changing the truth.
I lost you along the way.

I reached over. As I always do.

But I find the seat cold, smooth and empty.

For in this journey, you are not mine. Not anymore.

This is inspired by a new friend i found. she may have lost someone in her journey, but i believe she will find the one for her along the way.

Maybe.. Someday..

October 15, 2010
In my room

I remembered I cried during Leovina’s wedding. I saw her walking down the aisle and it undid me.

I was crying for so many reasons.

I was crying because she is my dear friend and I am very happy for her. She found her perfect other half and has finally, after all her stress in the wedding preparations, committed in spending the rest of her life with him.

I was crying because I never wanted anything else so badly in my life than walking that aisle too. I so wanted to get married. I was imagining myself in her shoes. Guided by the song I made exactly for my wedding. I imagine I would be crying too. Crying because of too much happiness and overflowing emotions. In tears but with a great big smile. Up front I’ll find my dada, wearing an equally big smile, waiting for me.

I was crying because I was and am so afraid that its not going to happen to me. I know my dada loves me in his own way. I know he still wants to be with me. But after all the pain I’ve caused him, after all his love I’ve lost, I don’t believe he still has enough love to marry me. I am so afraid that I may wait for so long yet he doesn’t have it in him anymore.

I was crying because I knew for a fact that my dada wanted to give me a big wedding. Because I do know how much he loved me then. And I know how much less he loves me now.

I was crying because I think my own wedding would only be a dream.