I am Lois Lane.. JUST Lois Lane

i am not Superman.. or Superwoman for that matter.
i am not able to do everything. though i would really want that.
i can NOT be anywhere, anytime.

there will be things i cannot control.
i can get stuck in traffic.
i may lose some cash.
i might oversleep and be late for work.


there will be things i cannot change.
i cannot go fly around the earth to turn back time.
i cannot change the distance between two distant places.
i cannot stop the dusts settling in the bedsheets.


and there will be things i cannot restrain.
i can get tired.
i may feel sadness or depression.
i might get angry on the inequality in life.


i am just lois lane. i am just me.
i can cook while putting the laundry in the wash.
i can fit a week's worth of wardrobe, shoes, and toiletries in one bag.
i can clean the room once a week.
and i can change the sheets when it needs changing.


i swear i do try to do everything. anything. for you.
but i just cant.
there will be limitations for my strength,
and there will be limitations for my patience.

wanting me to be superwoman for you is not really bad.
i wanted to do that too.
but i also wanted you to see me as the girl i really am.
someone who also needs her superman.

i am here... again...

here i am again.
standing on the edge of the cliff.
waiting.

i am so close... again.

the last time, i turned my back and walked away.
if this do not go where i hope it would.
i might jump off the damned cliff.

i am not supposed to tell anything 'yet' about this.
but the suspense, or is it close to anxiety, is getting on my nerves.

the deliberation for promotion is scheduled today.
i have been in the board since October but i was disqualified because of poor attendance.
i did not contest that decision. i really am almost, always late.
my fault. i know.
the "i live in Navotas" excuse sound flimsy even in my ears.

but i changed. or to put it in much convincing words, i tried.
i know there is visible improvement in me.
even my supervisor and manager told me so.
i just dont think it's enough.

there is no problem with my performance.
i know.
ive got a VERY GOOD PERFORMANCE rating in the last Performance Appraisal.
that is equivalent to a 4 from a 1-5 rating range with 5 as the highest.
my new manager told me so too.
i just have the VERY bad feeling that it isnt enough.

i know i did want to leave the company. remember? MDSP?
but since they did not approve of me because "i am an important member of the group"
i rearranged all my plans to be as exceptional in my job as they wanted me to be.
i am not saying that they SHOULD give me the promotion because they held me tight right here.
but because i believe that i deserve it.
i know i did work hard for this.
i never failed to meet my commitments just because im late.

sigh.

all this blabbering will not take me up there.
and in the back of my mind i kept asking SOMEONE up there to listen.
i wanted an entirely different thing a month ago.
but it was not given to me.
and i know everything happens for a reason.
i hope this is HIS'.

one day, we will meet again

this is solely dedicated for my manager, Geffrey C. Lim, who will be leaving his post March 31, 2009.

remember the MDSP package i was ranting about? well, he availed of it and was approved.
i couldnt tell you how it must have felt for him.

but i could tell you why it doesnt seem fair that he has to go.
no, not only me, but everyone who worked hard under his supervision:

• Thank you po for being one of my bosses here in NXP, super agree po ako sa sinabi ni Boss Carl na “, patient, respectful, approacheable, open, diplomatic, unselfish, friendly,consensus-type new breed type of boss, the best actually”…thank you also for not being a boss to us but for being a “tatay” to the whole group, kse si boss Karl daw ang lolo hehe este uncle pla...wishing you more success, happiness and all the best of everything that life can offer!...God Bless always! :=) Add nyo po kmi sa friendster or facebook ha?! Hahahahahahha…-Eden Marabillon
• All I can say is nothing......Nothing is comparable to you boss, no other bosses indeed.....If ever you'll be having a venture again to a new company,I am willing to report in. Kahit tindero boss. hehehe....Thanks for everything boss.- Chris Vergel de Dios
• In behalf of Me, my family, and the Qual Group.......THANK YOU !!!! It will not be a good bye but see you soon......- Robert Salvosa
• Thank you for the immeasurable things you have done for the group.No words can better describe you Sir Jeff...Wishing you more success on your future endeavors.Until we meet again.....- Raoul C. Borromeo
• Godspeed po. Wala ako masasabi sa boss kong ito :). Thanks po sir Jeff!! Kung kailangan ninyo po ng tao if ever na bumalik kayo sa industriya, ito po yung number ko.... hehehehe... balitaan ko na lang kayo sir sa email ninyo tungkol sa mga politicians dito sa atin heheheh.... Pag may outing kung makakasama kayo sama kayo sir a... - Louis Vincent Sambo
• If I would be asked again if I wanted to be a part of the hardware group, I will, without a doubt, say yes, as long as you will be my manager.We may not be in LQ’s most favorite people list and it’s not important. What really matters is that you stood up for us. For not giving up on your, and our, rights. For being the leader who stood beside his group, not leading but guiding, for us to be the best both as a person and as a team.Thank you. No words will be enough to show you the amount of gratitude I feel especially at the time when I wanted my boss to walk with me and listen.Thank you very much.May our paths meet again.God bless us all.- Emma Jean Ancaja
• Before we miss and forget to thank you for the many innumerable things you have done for us, your group, for the good times and the bad, for the many joyous, relaxing dine-outs we had , where you contributed the most (dapat lang, hehehe) . For leading the group to where we are now, higher level na, marami ng narelease at malayo na rin ang narating at pinag-aagawan pa nga dahil sa competency developed through the 3 years we were together, may I initiate to say ... Thank you very much boss for being such a good, patient, respectful, approacheable, open, diplomatic, unselfish, friendly,consensus-type new breed type of boss, the best actually. Godspeed in all your endeavors. O teammates, Pls scribble some lines for our boss. Magpasalamat na kayo or humingi ng datungits....hehhe!!! - Carl Querubin Quitoriano
• Sir Jeff, First, I want to say "Thank You So Much..."
  Thank you for giving me a spot in this group even though we all know that, I don't belong here co'z of my educational background and despite of that you've given me a chance to be part it. It had given me the courage and determination to do the task that are given to me. Thank you for your trust you've given to me and believing that I can do debug/qual project. Thank you for your patience, co'z sometimes I've done some stupid things when I want to do my own kind of thing. (matigas lang talaga ulo ko minsan) You also teach us that, a good leader needs to respect his people for them to respect you in return. Thank you for lending me you're help at times that I needed it most. Thank you so much for being my Boss... Co'z if wasn't for you I wouldn't be here, where I am now. No words will describe you as our boss... actually not our boss but as our friend. - Ricky Mabini
• Sir, Salamat kaayo sa inyong kanunay nga pagtabang sa amo panginabuhi dinhi. Bisan pa kita magbinulagay sa walay klaro nga hinungdan, hinumduma lang sir nga naay pagsilot ang diyos sa mga tao nga daotan diri sa yuta, hehe.
  Kung ikaw mu dato na sir, ayaw lang mi kalimti. -Louise Garcia

there will never be enough words, i know. and there will never be the right way to describe how it was working with him. you have to experience it first hand to really understand why we feel this way.

i wouldnt say that there were no bad times, and sometimes things are tough for all of us. most of those times caused by the fact that we were hard-headed spoiled brats who dont want somebody telling us what needs to be done. but we can be good too. we just tend to complain too much. (am i still speaking for the group, or is it just me?)

the hardware group, the qual group in particular, is a gathering of people who knows what they do and are good at it. we know we started literally from scratch. as i quote sir jeff "We started with people who have no name to boast of, but armed with the determination to prove themselves worthy to be called "good engineers"

and somehow i believe that we are here now, competent and recognized "good engineers" not only because we are born beautiful and talented people (ooops, i know i told you this was SOLELY about sir jeff), but because there is someone who worked as determined as each and everyone of us. Somebody who, after a hard day's work, can sit back and relax with us, eating lechon and singing our hearts out.

The world is a small place and though we say goodbye now, we will find each other again. either as a boss, a drinking buddy, or a friend. we will part soon but we will always remember the years we all stood as one, climbing the ladder to our goals.

thank you for being our boss. and thank you for being one of us.

one day, we will meet again.

sleepyhead with a bad toothache

my head is killing me.

i am not quite sure whether my headache is caused by this annoying toothache
or my desperate need for some sleep.
i am almost, always so tired i wanted to stay in bed and sleep the whole day.

the next two weeks will be harder than i think (or is hope a better word for it?) it will be.
my daughter's graduation from kindergarten is scheduled this friday so we have to travel 5 hours to Zambales thursday night to be in time for the occasion.
then we have to get back sunday eve for work.

my son's recognition will be next friday and we have to travel back there again.
there goes my i-can-sleep-late-and-wake-up-whenever-i-want weekends.

and right now i cant think of nothing more but my bed and my pillows and painkillers.

can i just quit working today and go home?

I found you

Good Morning!
sigh. ok. its really not a very good morning.
the red flag is up, im on my second day and i'm having a very nasty dysmenorrhea attack.

but this is not about why i feel im always on the edge of my seat and of my patience.

this is about my dream.

i remember well that before i slept last night i was thinking about my children's graduation and of course the money involved, necessary purchases needed for the next two weeks, and another set of enrollment for May. and maybe between my calculations and the dilemma of where to get the money, i fell asleep.

the first part i can relate to work, i recall looking for colored chalks because i need to write some instructions on the board. i think i wrote my name with my i.d. number.

it was then about my family when the scene changed, i was again looking for the colored chalks but they were not present anymore in the dream-specified location. i told my tita that maybe Jam, my son, took it. i called him and yes, the colored chalks were with him. he was giving it to me when instantly we were in the midst of a hurricane. the chalks were scattered everywhere because of the strong winds and i remember holding him tightly.

this is now the most important part of the dream..

when the wind cleared out, i was not part of the dream anymore, not one of the characters, just a viewer..

there was a child. in the middle of the ocean. he was holding tight to what-looks-like a raft and he was being attacked by a kraken (giant squid?). i could see the tentacles trying to break his hold.
he was crying out "no. dont. no."

then a voice said, "let go." and he did.

when he turned around, there was no kraken. but there was a man. a man i would recognize anywhere, anytime.

it was jesus christ. i know. i could see his face clearly. every feature is there.
he was in the water with the child. and everything was calm.

the child was so happy and he said. "salamat, salamat, mabuti na lang nakita kita." (thank you, thank you, good thing i found you."

and jesus christ told him smiling, "but you did not, i found you."

so i think the lord is telling me something.
i think after the numerous times i tried shouting in my head for Him to see me.
for Him to look at me. to help me.

and he told me to 'let go'
He did not say what i need to let go, but i think i know.

...cast your burdens upon me, those who are heavily laden...

and maybe i will. because finally, He found me.

Outshone

there is one story i remember, back when i was still a child.
probably in grade 3 or 4. (ok, not so much of a child)

there was a poster we need to finish as a school project. and i was in high spirits.
i locked myself in our room.
exploring my childhood imagination, i experimented with drawings and colors.
i was satisfyingly happy of the outcome.
knowing in me that i did all that i can.

i ran down the stairs gleefully shouting that i finished my project.
i met my mom halfway down and showed her my drawing.

i excitedly told her how beautiful it is.

i will never forget what she told me:

"ang panget panget naman nyan" (its very, very ugly)

it was so painful that i cried out. the very first time i shouted angrily at my mama.

"kasi ang gusto mo lahat lang ng gawa mo ang maganda!" (its because you wanted that only your work will be beautiful!)

it was also the first time she slapped me for answering back.

i think its one of the reasons why until now i always try to please everyone.
for others to see that i do everything the right way.
i am always on my toes trying to be the best.
i wanted everything i do flawless and anything less is a crime.

the truth is, i always see faults in me.
feel that for everything that i've done, its still not enough.
no matter how much i tried. no matter how much of me i put in it,
it will always be less than beautiful.

i created an image of me, someone who took care of everything.
someone always trying to clear out things so others will find their ways free of obstacles
someone always looking for better ways
someone selfless, always giving
an image ive been trying to live up to for the last 20 years.

when all i wanted was to be taken care of,
for someone to appreciate what i can do and what i cant
for someone to accept me for who i am and not someone they wanted me to be.

or maybe, i just wanted somebody to tell me that there is beauty in what i do.
even if its just a grade school poster.

Camouflage

I wish I could tell you that I am not afraid
That I could leave and stay away
To stop hoping of holding you
To cease reaching in your dreams

I wish I could tell you I am strong
To give up searching for your eyes
To end hurting because of your freedom
Of seeing you in her arms

I wish I could tell you that I moved on
That I do not love you more than I should
Not waiting for your every breath
Not holding your every scent

I wish I could tell you that I chose right
When I had to let you go
I was right to have loved you
I am wrong that I still do

false freedom

**due to insistent public request and/or demand for whatsoever purpose it may serve, i am editing this post to satisfy their love and respect for the english language.. ok, ok, my translations were a bit off.. (love you.. Lav..)


it was so close. i was so close.

the plan was already laid out.

• we (gorgeous and sexy leovina ..now she has to pay me for this.. and i) already called DOST for the MS scholarship.
• called Mapua and La Salle for the MS requirements.
• downloaded necessary forms.
• sent my application for the teaching position.
• Mapua already called to validate my availability for April school year and schedule me for an interview.
• expenses for March and April, until the check was released, already secured.
• need not to travel from Manila to Laguna everyday.
• am going to take my Masters, review for the board and teach part-time.

the only thing that's blocking my way is one signature. THE signature.

our company did not escape the economic crisis. it is the business' demand to cut-off some heads in the company payroll. with this, the admin released a Management Decided Separation Program (MDSP) for all employees.

it took me two weeks to arrive at the decision to avail of this program. (two gruesome-mind-boggling-headache-filled weeks) It was February 20, 2009 when i took courage to speak of my plans to my immediate supervisor and my manager. the discussion went like this:

CarlQ: Iha, you are safe for the time being. You are not included in the list of those who will be redundated.

EmmaA: Yes sir. Pero po.. (Yes sir. But..)

JeffL: Naku, mag-aapply sya. (Oh no. She will avail of the program)

EmmaA: Yes sir.

CarlQ: Bakit naman? (Can you tell me why?)

EmmaA: Ganito po kasi yun sir. Kahit saan po wala naman tayong kasiguruhan. Wala akong kasiguruhan sa labas. Pero wala rin akong kasiguruhan dito. Ang pagkakaiba po sir, kahit wala akong kasiguruhan sa labas, alam ko na meron akong magagawa, at meron akong desisyon sa kung saan man ako pupunta. Dito po, wala rin naman akong kasiguruhan eh. Pero wala rin akong magagawa. Maghihintay lang ako. (The reason for this sir is that I know there is no guarantee on everything. There is no guarantee outside this company. But there is no guarantee in here as well. The difference is that, though I do not know what will happen to me when I leave, I know I can do something about it. And I can make my own decision on where I want to go. If I stay here, I do not know, as well, what will happen to us. And I cannot do anything about it. My only choice is to wait.)

JeffL: Oo nga naman, kesa si LQ (test engineering director) lang ang magdesisyon ng buhay mo. At least alam ko na pinag-isipan mo talagang mabuti ang desisyon mo. (You do have a point, instead of just letting LQ to decide for your life. I am thankful that you have put a lot of thought on your options before coming to this decision.)

CarlQ: Ano naman ang plano mo iha kung sakaling ma-approve ka? (So what are your plans if ever you will be approved?)

EmmaA: Gusto ko po sanang magturo. Balak din po namin ni Leovina na mag-take ng Masters.. (I would like to try my skills in the academe. Leovina and I also have plans of getting a Masters Degree.)

(-personal talk here.. blah. blah. blah. .. i just couldnt remember anymore-)

but in the end. LQ will still decide for my life.

since it is "management decided", it was their decision to not let me go. the answer to my letter of intent was a red, official-looking "UNAPPROVED."

my world crashed before my eyes.

everything was in chaos.

i lost hold of my dreams.

i lost hold of my future.

i lost hold of myself.

when you have everything you always wanted. right there in front of your eyes. in arms reach.

only one thin line was there to stop you from taking that step. one thin loopy line. one signature.

of course if i really wanted to go, i could have resigned. yes i could have. but i cant. maybe my reasonings are flawed enough to justify my insistence to leave. or maybe im looking at all these rubble on the other side of the mirror. but i cannot leave on my own. i needed that package. of course i needed that.

first, it offers a kind of payment for those who will be approved. second, the retention contract will be waived. i could pay-off my existing debts. and i am not obliged to pay for my contract. (which by the way is the main reason why i cannot leave the company for the time being.) so i needed that.

so here i am. trying to find the right reasons for putting my best foot forward again in this job. trying to build new dreams. trying to shape a new future. trying to pick up the pieces of myself.

and it is not easy. not one bit.