WANT.

This blog is inspired by Ms. Tia, the girl who wrote the blog which never failed to tell me to never stop believing. Game on.


Life list of wants..


I want to write. Have my own book. Write children stories which i can tell my children before we go to sleep. So they would go dreaming happy dreams.

I want to have enough money to buy myself a house. in there we would build a home, dada, jam, lexi and me. it would have that wonderful kitchen i would dominate, cooking and baking and discovering ways of providing good food. (well, good for me, for sure.)

I want to go to a culinary school. so i could make that (please see above) good food. for everyone to enjoy. (or not.)

I want to learn how to make bonsai plants. it amazes me. and i want to be a part of something amazing.

I want to compose songs I would later hear in radio as the most requested.

I want to be a teacher. I want to tell the children that they can be whoever they want to be as long as they believe it. I want to inspire people. To tell them to be an inspiration to others as well.

I want to pursue my masters. I want to review, again, for the board exams and hopefully pass. (please. please. please.)

I want to be a good mother. i want to be the one my children will run to when they picked up a fight in school. i want to be the one they share their secrets with. i want to be their number one fan.

I want to retire from work early. when i could still fly around the world. 0r the Philippines at least.

I want to live long enough to see my grandchildren. and be that good mother all over again.

Yesterday

I look at you,
and I see everything I missed because I let you go
and everything you would not have had if I didnt.

I look at you,
and see all that I've lost because i left
and all that you would if I didnt.

Anger

i close my eyes
unable to understand
consumes me. blinds me.

i inhale deeply
caresses the pain
building up. in flames.

i resist closure
ignores the need for control
scattering. corrupt.

i yell silently
daring to listen
to surrender. in anger.

Today, I learned

im totally broke.
im running in vapors.
im living off by borrowed money.
and somehow, suprisingly, im thankful.

there is so much that i dont have. i dont have savings.
no spare change. no loose cash.

and all the time i was much focused on these things,
trying to find ways to have those things that i dont.
i couldnt call it wishful thinking, it was too close to obsession.

and i noticed, in the passage of time, with these thoughts clouding
both my mind and my heart that i grew restless.
my emotions tend to get so heavy and i am almost always
on the verge of tears.

i began finding faults in people.
i started blaming others, including my family, for the kind of situation im in.
i found no peace.

one day, my daughter, in her most talkative state, was recalling her experience in school.
she told us that they were studying colors.
and her teacher asked her what's the color of the sky.
she could have answered a blue. we were all expecting that.
but this is what she said,

'minsan, kulay itim ang langit.'

the simplicity of her words, drowned me.
sometimes the children are better equipped to understand the simplicity of life.

the sky may be black sometimes, maybe much longer than we wanted it to.
but it doesnt mean the sky isnt blue.

i dont need to have everything.
i just needed to appreciate everything that i have.
when i started doing that, i realized i have much more than i could have bargained.
i have a family who loves me.
i have two beautiful children who keeps me smiling.
i have a husband who supports me always.
and i have my life.

today, i learned.

Dreams

i had a very weird dream last night.

as i recall, i was lying across our sofa in our home in Sta. Mesa when my ex-boyfriend, Jam's father, for that matter, came and gave me flowers. and he did also gave me a ring.

and he was then talking about us getting back together, he was planning all sorts of things, when to move in, where, how..
and he was telling me he paid all my existing debts, he cleared out my credit card's outstanding balance, and he was giving me a new life.

so i led him outside so we could talk.

i told him that though i love him, i love my hubby more.
and i told him that he is messing up everything that's already in their right places.
i have my family, he has his. and i am happy the way things are.
so i returned the ring and told him to go home.

and then i woke up.

then i reached over and found my hubby beside me, contentedly asleep.
my debts are not paid. still have to clear out my credit card balance.
and i still have the same life.

i wouldnt have it in any other way.

Plurk Post >> Define True Love?!?

ok.

i will not pretend to be a love guru or something. nor act as if i have the perfect true love in my life. as a disclaimer, i am having everyone to be aware that anything you read here is entirely MY opinion on the matter and any violent reactions and/or bitter responses will obviously be overlooked to the sense of almost ignored. so you might as well realize that you cannot do anything about it.

lets get back to business. true love. define.

i believe this discussion started with the song 'Captured' which in my point of view is a rather good song. not on top of my playlist since i only heard it yesterday, but the story was quite ok.

it was, as they say, a little shifted to the 'ideal' love story. being 'captured' to that one person and loving him to last a happy ever after. and that it can only happen in the movies.

since i am bound to my own opinion, i both agree and disagree.

i do know that every girl in the entire world have, in one way or another, whipped up their ideal man, relationship and love affair. and i do know that it is not healthy to be living in the midst of unneccesary likeness to the ideals.

but love in its truest sense is ideal.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

with this in mind, i can say that love endures time. endures all hardships. all trials. all boulders of life. and love resides in happiness, contentment and peace.

and anybody who says otherwise is either not in the right state of mind or just havent found that one true love.

its just that love is not always about romance, and candlelight dinners. it cannot be measured by how men understand the complexity of women, nor the ability to be always at the right place at the right time.

love is being able to sit down together, not talk and yet be comfortable.
love is being able to see his faults as often as you see yours. then make up for it.
love is being able to say sorry and forgive as well.
love is being able to be yourself and be one with him all at the same time.
love is being able to listen with your heart.
love is being able to trust blindly.

i do not say that being in love with someone is always being up in cloud nine. and i do not promise that it will not hurt. and i myself do not claim that i have the best in life.

i remember i was once confused with this love definition because of these quotes:

If you love someone, you have to love him without expecting anything in return.
and
Love is give and take.
The first quote is one way. the second, a two-way love. so which is true?

Instead of being entirely mystified, i made my own quote:
love is give and receive.

so in one way, you love without expecting anything back and if the one you love, loves you as well, he will do the same thing. so you receive.

and maybe the reason why people stopped believing in true love is because they keep on waiting to receive the same amount of love they give. that instead of continually giving in that love, they keep on expecting on the amount of love they can take back. and so they get hurt.

i always believed in that one true love. or if im being mushy today, soulmates. there is somebody out there meant specifically for each one of us. there are old maids or bachelors because they didnt meet their other halves in this life. maybe in another lifetime, in another form, in another life. but they will. WILL. (taken in random-things-i-believe-in)

so stop moping around you lot and start looking for your true love. he's just there. somewhere.

Berso Sa Metro

Nang mawala ka sa akin, ikaw at ako'y nawalan
Ako dahil ikaw ang minahal ko ng lubusan
At ikaw dahil ako ang sa iyo'y lubusang nagmahal
Ngunit sa dalawa ay ikaw ang higit na nawalan
Dahil pwede kong mahalin ang iba tulad ng pagmamahal ko sa iyo
Ngunit ikaw di mamahalin tulad ng kung paano kita minahal.

-Ernesto Cardenal (Granada, Nicaragua, 1925 - )

Coincidence

amongst the rush of tides, i see you
in the midst of howling thunder, i hear you
drowned in the rough slash of rain, i feel you

or is it just coincidence?
when i look around the corner and see your face
when i walk the long hallway and see your tread
when i peek in the mirror and see your smile

or is it just coincidence
when i turn around and catch your familiar scent
when i try to kill time and find you do the same
when i stop to daydream and feel your gaze

or is it just coincidence
when you call her the endearment you used to call me then
when you see her as the angel i was to you then
when you love her as much as you loved me then

or is it just me?

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's day to all mothers in the world.

Happy mother's day to my mama, who worked, and still working to send me and my siblings to college. (oh, dont ask me about my father, i dont want to explain everything here.. now..)

Happy mother's day to my nanay (aunt) who took care of me and my siblings when my mama has to go to work. and takes care of my children now that i have to go to work.

Happy mother's day to all mothers, who in one way or another have loved unconditionally, without questions and without exceptions, to all the children of the world.

last night in Mel and Joey (a TV talk show) there was an anecdote about mothers.. it goes like this..

Ang puso ng isang ina ay laging para sa kanyang mga anak.
kapag tinanggal mo ito sa kanyang katawan at ikaw ay nadapa,
itatanong sa iyo ng puso, 'anak, nasaktan ka ba?'

i wont be able to do it justice if i translate it in english so i might as well explain it as i understand it. (which may or may not mean that i am in the right state of mind, so bear with me.)

when i first learned of my pregnancy, my mom didnt say it but i know she's heartbroken. i know she trusts me to be the responsible one. that someone who knows how to handle her responsibilities and knows her priorities.

and somehow i know i failed her. bigtime.

but instead of telling me how big a disappointment i am to her, she took me to her OB, the same one who helped her get through her pregnancy with me, she bought me my vitamins, she took care of me, she held my hand that day when i gave birth to a smiling baby boy.

she never told me i was wrong. or i made a bad decision. or i messed up our plans. she just re-arranged everything to give way to the new addition to the family. she just re-made all plans to put me in the right place.

i know she made a lot of sacrifices. and i know how many nights she cried herself to sleep.

i will forever be in her debt.

i know she wasnt always there because of work. i know she didnt woke up early to help me prepare my siblings' lunch boxes. i know she didnt heard me call her name the night i cried my heart out. and it doesnt matter anymore.

i know she will always love me. for me. the good, the bad, and the little baby girl.

Broken

I walk in daze.
Numb from pain.
Inside I welcome death.
Restless. Afraid.

I yearn to see.
Unable to feel.
Lost in my own battle.
Unwilling. Defeated.

I found no peace.
Blind of surrender.
Removed from the comfort.
Drained of emotion.

I am lost in thought.
Deprived of acceptance.
Left in soulless disguise.
Broken and undone.

Random Things I Believe In

happy friday!


i really dont know how i should begin this, thinking i may well do the bullets, so here goes..

i believe...

• everything happens for a reason. things happen, good, bad and everything in between. i do not always understand the reasons, and in some cases that i do, i cannot accept it. but i believe that whatever it is, it will always end up good. no matter how bad it started.
• in that one true love. or if im being mushy today, soulmates. there is somebody out there meant specifically for each one of us. there are old maids or bachelors because they didnt meet their other halves in this life. maybe in another lifetime, in another form, in another life. but they will. WILL.
• there is goodness in every person and so is beauty.
• there is a higher power. UP there. who helped me through all the rocks and fences and boulders of life.
• in the strength of a family. when you feel that the world turned its back on you, you will find your family, standing there beside you, holding your hand.
• i cannot please everybody. i can try but i know it will just be a waste of my time. as long as im comfortable with myself and with what i do. i dont give a damn for whatever other people are saying.
• when im very tired, drinking milk will make me feel ok. (or is there some proven scientific fact for this?)
• that once in a while, it is okay to cry.
• that 'im sorry" is not the same as "its my fault".
• i cant expect anybody to love me as much as i do. but i am worth loving. (or so i wish, hehe)
• that its not 'seeing is believing'. believing is seeing. (i wish i could remember from which movie i got this. as far as i can recall, its about christmas)
• that half truths are still half lies. white lies, red lies, blue lies, even rainbow-colored lies are still lies.
• not, in the saying that 'what they dont know, wont hurt them.' because they will know. and it will hurt them doubly.
• that to earn respect, you should know how to give it.
• that children will believe in anything thier parents will say or do. even if its 'magically' changing one small chocolate kisses to a big one.
• that a toothache is worse than a headache, back ache, stomach ache, and body pains rolled into one.
• that spending a day in a beach is absolutely wonderful. LOVE.
• that when i love someone, you i everything about him. the way he smile, his laughters, his boyish ways. and i also love his nature of forgetting anniversaries, and his inability to put his clothes in the laundry basket rather than the floor. he is not perfect and so am i. but he loved me for who i am and who i can be. i am very much willing to return the favor.
• that every relationship has rough spots. and the trust with each other to go through the rocky roads together is the real measure of love.
• that people make mistakes. that i make mistakes. i can be bitchy sometimes. but what's important is the ability to admit mistakes and learn from it. telling sorry is a plus factor too.
• that it is hard to stay angry at any specific person for very long. it is stressful and tiring. no matter how grave the offense may be. forgiveness is divine.
• having a planner is very good. especially for me. i am a very forgetful person. i think im suffering from very-short-term memory loss.
• growing old is not about having white hair or wrinkled skin. (although of course you'll still have them) it is about having more life behind you. more wisdom from the years. better understanding. more love. more patience. and more beauty inside.
• that changing your hair conditioner in the middle of the week because you ran out of the usual will make your husband tell you that your hair smells like the dead.
• that its 15minutes from noon and i am hungry.
• that the most important belief that you should have, is that you believe in yourself.
• i do.

I am Lois Lane.. JUST Lois Lane

i am not Superman.. or Superwoman for that matter.
i am not able to do everything. though i would really want that.
i can NOT be anywhere, anytime.

there will be things i cannot control.
i can get stuck in traffic.
i may lose some cash.
i might oversleep and be late for work.


there will be things i cannot change.
i cannot go fly around the earth to turn back time.
i cannot change the distance between two distant places.
i cannot stop the dusts settling in the bedsheets.


and there will be things i cannot restrain.
i can get tired.
i may feel sadness or depression.
i might get angry on the inequality in life.


i am just lois lane. i am just me.
i can cook while putting the laundry in the wash.
i can fit a week's worth of wardrobe, shoes, and toiletries in one bag.
i can clean the room once a week.
and i can change the sheets when it needs changing.


i swear i do try to do everything. anything. for you.
but i just cant.
there will be limitations for my strength,
and there will be limitations for my patience.

wanting me to be superwoman for you is not really bad.
i wanted to do that too.
but i also wanted you to see me as the girl i really am.
someone who also needs her superman.

i am here... again...

here i am again.
standing on the edge of the cliff.
waiting.

i am so close... again.

the last time, i turned my back and walked away.
if this do not go where i hope it would.
i might jump off the damned cliff.

i am not supposed to tell anything 'yet' about this.
but the suspense, or is it close to anxiety, is getting on my nerves.

the deliberation for promotion is scheduled today.
i have been in the board since October but i was disqualified because of poor attendance.
i did not contest that decision. i really am almost, always late.
my fault. i know.
the "i live in Navotas" excuse sound flimsy even in my ears.

but i changed. or to put it in much convincing words, i tried.
i know there is visible improvement in me.
even my supervisor and manager told me so.
i just dont think it's enough.

there is no problem with my performance.
i know.
ive got a VERY GOOD PERFORMANCE rating in the last Performance Appraisal.
that is equivalent to a 4 from a 1-5 rating range with 5 as the highest.
my new manager told me so too.
i just have the VERY bad feeling that it isnt enough.

i know i did want to leave the company. remember? MDSP?
but since they did not approve of me because "i am an important member of the group"
i rearranged all my plans to be as exceptional in my job as they wanted me to be.
i am not saying that they SHOULD give me the promotion because they held me tight right here.
but because i believe that i deserve it.
i know i did work hard for this.
i never failed to meet my commitments just because im late.

sigh.

all this blabbering will not take me up there.
and in the back of my mind i kept asking SOMEONE up there to listen.
i wanted an entirely different thing a month ago.
but it was not given to me.
and i know everything happens for a reason.
i hope this is HIS'.

one day, we will meet again

this is solely dedicated for my manager, Geffrey C. Lim, who will be leaving his post March 31, 2009.

remember the MDSP package i was ranting about? well, he availed of it and was approved.
i couldnt tell you how it must have felt for him.

but i could tell you why it doesnt seem fair that he has to go.
no, not only me, but everyone who worked hard under his supervision:

• Thank you po for being one of my bosses here in NXP, super agree po ako sa sinabi ni Boss Carl na “, patient, respectful, approacheable, open, diplomatic, unselfish, friendly,consensus-type new breed type of boss, the best actually”…thank you also for not being a boss to us but for being a “tatay” to the whole group, kse si boss Karl daw ang lolo hehe este uncle pla...wishing you more success, happiness and all the best of everything that life can offer!...God Bless always! :=) Add nyo po kmi sa friendster or facebook ha?! Hahahahahahha…-Eden Marabillon
• All I can say is nothing......Nothing is comparable to you boss, no other bosses indeed.....If ever you'll be having a venture again to a new company,I am willing to report in. Kahit tindero boss. hehehe....Thanks for everything boss.- Chris Vergel de Dios
• In behalf of Me, my family, and the Qual Group.......THANK YOU !!!! It will not be a good bye but see you soon......- Robert Salvosa
• Thank you for the immeasurable things you have done for the group.No words can better describe you Sir Jeff...Wishing you more success on your future endeavors.Until we meet again.....- Raoul C. Borromeo
• Godspeed po. Wala ako masasabi sa boss kong ito :). Thanks po sir Jeff!! Kung kailangan ninyo po ng tao if ever na bumalik kayo sa industriya, ito po yung number ko.... hehehehe... balitaan ko na lang kayo sir sa email ninyo tungkol sa mga politicians dito sa atin heheheh.... Pag may outing kung makakasama kayo sama kayo sir a... - Louis Vincent Sambo
• If I would be asked again if I wanted to be a part of the hardware group, I will, without a doubt, say yes, as long as you will be my manager.We may not be in LQ’s most favorite people list and it’s not important. What really matters is that you stood up for us. For not giving up on your, and our, rights. For being the leader who stood beside his group, not leading but guiding, for us to be the best both as a person and as a team.Thank you. No words will be enough to show you the amount of gratitude I feel especially at the time when I wanted my boss to walk with me and listen.Thank you very much.May our paths meet again.God bless us all.- Emma Jean Ancaja
• Before we miss and forget to thank you for the many innumerable things you have done for us, your group, for the good times and the bad, for the many joyous, relaxing dine-outs we had , where you contributed the most (dapat lang, hehehe) . For leading the group to where we are now, higher level na, marami ng narelease at malayo na rin ang narating at pinag-aagawan pa nga dahil sa competency developed through the 3 years we were together, may I initiate to say ... Thank you very much boss for being such a good, patient, respectful, approacheable, open, diplomatic, unselfish, friendly,consensus-type new breed type of boss, the best actually. Godspeed in all your endeavors. O teammates, Pls scribble some lines for our boss. Magpasalamat na kayo or humingi ng datungits....hehhe!!! - Carl Querubin Quitoriano
• Sir Jeff, First, I want to say "Thank You So Much..."
  Thank you for giving me a spot in this group even though we all know that, I don't belong here co'z of my educational background and despite of that you've given me a chance to be part it. It had given me the courage and determination to do the task that are given to me. Thank you for your trust you've given to me and believing that I can do debug/qual project. Thank you for your patience, co'z sometimes I've done some stupid things when I want to do my own kind of thing. (matigas lang talaga ulo ko minsan) You also teach us that, a good leader needs to respect his people for them to respect you in return. Thank you for lending me you're help at times that I needed it most. Thank you so much for being my Boss... Co'z if wasn't for you I wouldn't be here, where I am now. No words will describe you as our boss... actually not our boss but as our friend. - Ricky Mabini
• Sir, Salamat kaayo sa inyong kanunay nga pagtabang sa amo panginabuhi dinhi. Bisan pa kita magbinulagay sa walay klaro nga hinungdan, hinumduma lang sir nga naay pagsilot ang diyos sa mga tao nga daotan diri sa yuta, hehe.
  Kung ikaw mu dato na sir, ayaw lang mi kalimti. -Louise Garcia

there will never be enough words, i know. and there will never be the right way to describe how it was working with him. you have to experience it first hand to really understand why we feel this way.

i wouldnt say that there were no bad times, and sometimes things are tough for all of us. most of those times caused by the fact that we were hard-headed spoiled brats who dont want somebody telling us what needs to be done. but we can be good too. we just tend to complain too much. (am i still speaking for the group, or is it just me?)

the hardware group, the qual group in particular, is a gathering of people who knows what they do and are good at it. we know we started literally from scratch. as i quote sir jeff "We started with people who have no name to boast of, but armed with the determination to prove themselves worthy to be called "good engineers"

and somehow i believe that we are here now, competent and recognized "good engineers" not only because we are born beautiful and talented people (ooops, i know i told you this was SOLELY about sir jeff), but because there is someone who worked as determined as each and everyone of us. Somebody who, after a hard day's work, can sit back and relax with us, eating lechon and singing our hearts out.

The world is a small place and though we say goodbye now, we will find each other again. either as a boss, a drinking buddy, or a friend. we will part soon but we will always remember the years we all stood as one, climbing the ladder to our goals.

thank you for being our boss. and thank you for being one of us.

one day, we will meet again.

sleepyhead with a bad toothache

my head is killing me.

i am not quite sure whether my headache is caused by this annoying toothache
or my desperate need for some sleep.
i am almost, always so tired i wanted to stay in bed and sleep the whole day.

the next two weeks will be harder than i think (or is hope a better word for it?) it will be.
my daughter's graduation from kindergarten is scheduled this friday so we have to travel 5 hours to Zambales thursday night to be in time for the occasion.
then we have to get back sunday eve for work.

my son's recognition will be next friday and we have to travel back there again.
there goes my i-can-sleep-late-and-wake-up-whenever-i-want weekends.

and right now i cant think of nothing more but my bed and my pillows and painkillers.

can i just quit working today and go home?

I found you

Good Morning!
sigh. ok. its really not a very good morning.
the red flag is up, im on my second day and i'm having a very nasty dysmenorrhea attack.

but this is not about why i feel im always on the edge of my seat and of my patience.

this is about my dream.

i remember well that before i slept last night i was thinking about my children's graduation and of course the money involved, necessary purchases needed for the next two weeks, and another set of enrollment for May. and maybe between my calculations and the dilemma of where to get the money, i fell asleep.

the first part i can relate to work, i recall looking for colored chalks because i need to write some instructions on the board. i think i wrote my name with my i.d. number.

it was then about my family when the scene changed, i was again looking for the colored chalks but they were not present anymore in the dream-specified location. i told my tita that maybe Jam, my son, took it. i called him and yes, the colored chalks were with him. he was giving it to me when instantly we were in the midst of a hurricane. the chalks were scattered everywhere because of the strong winds and i remember holding him tightly.

this is now the most important part of the dream..

when the wind cleared out, i was not part of the dream anymore, not one of the characters, just a viewer..

there was a child. in the middle of the ocean. he was holding tight to what-looks-like a raft and he was being attacked by a kraken (giant squid?). i could see the tentacles trying to break his hold.
he was crying out "no. dont. no."

then a voice said, "let go." and he did.

when he turned around, there was no kraken. but there was a man. a man i would recognize anywhere, anytime.

it was jesus christ. i know. i could see his face clearly. every feature is there.
he was in the water with the child. and everything was calm.

the child was so happy and he said. "salamat, salamat, mabuti na lang nakita kita." (thank you, thank you, good thing i found you."

and jesus christ told him smiling, "but you did not, i found you."

so i think the lord is telling me something.
i think after the numerous times i tried shouting in my head for Him to see me.
for Him to look at me. to help me.

and he told me to 'let go'
He did not say what i need to let go, but i think i know.

...cast your burdens upon me, those who are heavily laden...

and maybe i will. because finally, He found me.

Outshone

there is one story i remember, back when i was still a child.
probably in grade 3 or 4. (ok, not so much of a child)

there was a poster we need to finish as a school project. and i was in high spirits.
i locked myself in our room.
exploring my childhood imagination, i experimented with drawings and colors.
i was satisfyingly happy of the outcome.
knowing in me that i did all that i can.

i ran down the stairs gleefully shouting that i finished my project.
i met my mom halfway down and showed her my drawing.

i excitedly told her how beautiful it is.

i will never forget what she told me:

"ang panget panget naman nyan" (its very, very ugly)

it was so painful that i cried out. the very first time i shouted angrily at my mama.

"kasi ang gusto mo lahat lang ng gawa mo ang maganda!" (its because you wanted that only your work will be beautiful!)

it was also the first time she slapped me for answering back.

i think its one of the reasons why until now i always try to please everyone.
for others to see that i do everything the right way.
i am always on my toes trying to be the best.
i wanted everything i do flawless and anything less is a crime.

the truth is, i always see faults in me.
feel that for everything that i've done, its still not enough.
no matter how much i tried. no matter how much of me i put in it,
it will always be less than beautiful.

i created an image of me, someone who took care of everything.
someone always trying to clear out things so others will find their ways free of obstacles
someone always looking for better ways
someone selfless, always giving
an image ive been trying to live up to for the last 20 years.

when all i wanted was to be taken care of,
for someone to appreciate what i can do and what i cant
for someone to accept me for who i am and not someone they wanted me to be.

or maybe, i just wanted somebody to tell me that there is beauty in what i do.
even if its just a grade school poster.

Camouflage

I wish I could tell you that I am not afraid
That I could leave and stay away
To stop hoping of holding you
To cease reaching in your dreams

I wish I could tell you I am strong
To give up searching for your eyes
To end hurting because of your freedom
Of seeing you in her arms

I wish I could tell you that I moved on
That I do not love you more than I should
Not waiting for your every breath
Not holding your every scent

I wish I could tell you that I chose right
When I had to let you go
I was right to have loved you
I am wrong that I still do

false freedom

**due to insistent public request and/or demand for whatsoever purpose it may serve, i am editing this post to satisfy their love and respect for the english language.. ok, ok, my translations were a bit off.. (love you.. Lav..)


it was so close. i was so close.

the plan was already laid out.

• we (gorgeous and sexy leovina ..now she has to pay me for this.. and i) already called DOST for the MS scholarship.
• called Mapua and La Salle for the MS requirements.
• downloaded necessary forms.
• sent my application for the teaching position.
• Mapua already called to validate my availability for April school year and schedule me for an interview.
• expenses for March and April, until the check was released, already secured.
• need not to travel from Manila to Laguna everyday.
• am going to take my Masters, review for the board and teach part-time.

the only thing that's blocking my way is one signature. THE signature.

our company did not escape the economic crisis. it is the business' demand to cut-off some heads in the company payroll. with this, the admin released a Management Decided Separation Program (MDSP) for all employees.

it took me two weeks to arrive at the decision to avail of this program. (two gruesome-mind-boggling-headache-filled weeks) It was February 20, 2009 when i took courage to speak of my plans to my immediate supervisor and my manager. the discussion went like this:

CarlQ: Iha, you are safe for the time being. You are not included in the list of those who will be redundated.

EmmaA: Yes sir. Pero po.. (Yes sir. But..)

JeffL: Naku, mag-aapply sya. (Oh no. She will avail of the program)

EmmaA: Yes sir.

CarlQ: Bakit naman? (Can you tell me why?)

EmmaA: Ganito po kasi yun sir. Kahit saan po wala naman tayong kasiguruhan. Wala akong kasiguruhan sa labas. Pero wala rin akong kasiguruhan dito. Ang pagkakaiba po sir, kahit wala akong kasiguruhan sa labas, alam ko na meron akong magagawa, at meron akong desisyon sa kung saan man ako pupunta. Dito po, wala rin naman akong kasiguruhan eh. Pero wala rin akong magagawa. Maghihintay lang ako. (The reason for this sir is that I know there is no guarantee on everything. There is no guarantee outside this company. But there is no guarantee in here as well. The difference is that, though I do not know what will happen to me when I leave, I know I can do something about it. And I can make my own decision on where I want to go. If I stay here, I do not know, as well, what will happen to us. And I cannot do anything about it. My only choice is to wait.)

JeffL: Oo nga naman, kesa si LQ (test engineering director) lang ang magdesisyon ng buhay mo. At least alam ko na pinag-isipan mo talagang mabuti ang desisyon mo. (You do have a point, instead of just letting LQ to decide for your life. I am thankful that you have put a lot of thought on your options before coming to this decision.)

CarlQ: Ano naman ang plano mo iha kung sakaling ma-approve ka? (So what are your plans if ever you will be approved?)

EmmaA: Gusto ko po sanang magturo. Balak din po namin ni Leovina na mag-take ng Masters.. (I would like to try my skills in the academe. Leovina and I also have plans of getting a Masters Degree.)

(-personal talk here.. blah. blah. blah. .. i just couldnt remember anymore-)

but in the end. LQ will still decide for my life.

since it is "management decided", it was their decision to not let me go. the answer to my letter of intent was a red, official-looking "UNAPPROVED."

my world crashed before my eyes.

everything was in chaos.

i lost hold of my dreams.

i lost hold of my future.

i lost hold of myself.

when you have everything you always wanted. right there in front of your eyes. in arms reach.

only one thin line was there to stop you from taking that step. one thin loopy line. one signature.

of course if i really wanted to go, i could have resigned. yes i could have. but i cant. maybe my reasonings are flawed enough to justify my insistence to leave. or maybe im looking at all these rubble on the other side of the mirror. but i cannot leave on my own. i needed that package. of course i needed that.

first, it offers a kind of payment for those who will be approved. second, the retention contract will be waived. i could pay-off my existing debts. and i am not obliged to pay for my contract. (which by the way is the main reason why i cannot leave the company for the time being.) so i needed that.

so here i am. trying to find the right reasons for putting my best foot forward again in this job. trying to build new dreams. trying to shape a new future. trying to pick up the pieces of myself.

and it is not easy. not one bit.

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star

I would like you to meet Lexi.



Her full name is Nicole Lexi A. Ranoco
Yup. She's mine too.
My little twinkling star.
Born on June 5, 2004
My water broke at exactly 7:15 am in a taxi.
Went inside the delivery room at 7:25 am.
Out in the real world at 7:28am.
Isnt she excited?

I have already given some information about her in my blog about my anniversary.
I met her father about a year after I gave birth to Jam.
He knows about Jam and accepted me still.

The day I learned about my pregnancy, he's just about to graduate and I'm a year behind him.
We decided that we're not ready. We're not ready both emotionally and financially.
We thought that it was for the best if we do not keep the baby but we were afraid on how to do it.

I was doubly anxious of this decision because, one, I do not know how, or where, or if I will survive. Secondly, I've been asking myself why I cant have his baby when I easily accepted in me when Jam came into my life.

Eventually, my parents knew about it and decided to give me away. I went to live with him together with his parents. This had been easier for me because I knew in me that he's the one I wanted to grow old with. He took care of us. Worked hard to provide our needs. He supported me through my last year in college.

It was 5:00am on the 5th of June when I woke with small contractions, I thought it was nothing but small movements by the baby (considering the 2-day labor I had with Jam) but still considered to visit my OB. Also, it was 3 weeks early than my scheduled week of delivery.

An excited little girl smiled at the new world early that morning.
A little star that continually twinkles in our lives with her small antics.
A bright girl who talks too much. With dimpled smiles that make everyday a good day.
My star.

I was right to keep her.

My Moon

This is Jam.

His full name is Jameir Russ Karsten M. Ancaja.

Yup, he's mine.

Carried him for 9 months.

Labored for 2 days.

Went out in the real world in broad daylight.

Born on October 16, 2001. He was a gift.

My moon.

I met his father when I was only 13. We had this ON-OFF kind of relationship all 3 years of highschool because I was studying in Manila and he has to stay in our province.

It was November 2000 when we got together again. I'm 17. It was a serious kind of relationship this time since we were both in college and he's staying near our home.

I was spending most of my non-school hours at his place. My mother approves of him.

My grandmother is friends with his family. My sister calls him "kuya" (big brother).

We were meant for each other.

It was the reason I allowed myself to cross the lines I created for my benefit. Believing that we will get married soon enough. Or that our futures are meant for that.

Apparently, he misunderstood this as a bad change for me. That I was way too liberated for him.

That he wasnt the first. That it wasn't my first time.

I celebrated my debut January. I found out about my pregnancy by February.

I told him this news. He even bought me fruits. He even laid his head on my belly even if I was only 2 weeks pregnant. It was almost too good to be true.

It was until that time when I realized he was not the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Not the person I would pick to father my children.

I did not wish to marry him. Nor wanted to settle things with his family. I did not even ask him to take responsibility for the baby. I left.

My relationship with him is like being covered each day with dark storm clouds.

I was always struggling to see some light.

When I left him I was still in the dark. I have no idea of how to do everything alone. And worst of all, I am helplessly in love with him.

Although I have my family for support, they cannot carry the emotional struggle within me. They could not grasp how much I've been waiting for him to come and get me out of my misery. And how much I hated myself for that.

Good thing I have my moon in me. The reason I still wake up each day to go to school in my maternity dress. The reason I stopped crying in the bathroom when the emotions get too heavy.

The reason I am here now. Stronger. Braver. And Happier. More than I've ever been.

Now, Jam is 7. He's first his class. Active. Smart. And happy.

He will always shine when the sun shies away in my life.

I am me

I am me.
I know the world and the world knows me.
I have nothing to offer and the world has everything in its means.
It does not give, for it is neither kind nor cruel, neither bitter nor sweet.
It is an irony of contradicting ends.

It does not care and will never do.
It is a model of deception; a treasure of truth and an unending puzzle of twists and turns.
It is never real when you're searching for reality nor true when you're looking for meaning.

It does not have a name or an identity, its true nature never revealed.
Knowing it means dying to live it.

The world is never fair.Either one flows with its current or waste one's life opposing it.
One may know how the world works but nobody will ever understand it.
As it never understood anyone as well.

It does not give light but do not allow anyone to live in the darkness.
It only offers the shadows, as on the brink of dawn.
For in light there is trust, and in the darkness, humility.
But behind the shadows there is fear, the fear of being alone.
And the world feeds on that fear.
For fear pushes the person to stay in need of the world.
For the world fears the same fear.

I am a product of the world.
I owe it my life, my future and my destiny.
It controls my fate as it controls others' as well.

It does not allow choices as it claims it does.
Nobody decides for himself for there is nothing left to decide on.
Everything is laid out, nothing to expect for there is nothing we can change.
All that's left to do is to accept, no matter how hard or how cruel the world have been.
And in your darkest moment the world will neither help nor leave you helpless, it is an angel in a limbo.
It is the horizon for which people die to reach but fail to see.
It is an existing boundary between sanity and insanity.
It is a misconception.

I could have lived the way the world wanted me to but I cannot do that.
My fate is my decision to make; my future is never a compromise.
I dont hold grudge for the world but I dont care for it either.
It does not understand me and I dont want to understand it.

I am a believer of myself and I dont let anyone override my ways.
Either I do it my way or it will not be done.
I live for myself and I have everything to lose.
The world tries and will continually try to take everything away from me but that will never happen.
That I will not allow to happen.

Never in my existence that I will permit the world to leave me on bended knees and pleading.

Never will I recognize the irrationality of its ways; nor give up on its sheer injustice.

I am a fighter; that the world does not know.
For fighters die even before they were born, but I am different.
I have always been different.
For I do not live in the shadows and I do not fear.
I do not give to the world for it despises me.
I do not care.
It has given me more than hatred, it taught me to convene in the darkness and hide the certainty of my being.

If there is one thing I do that the world does not, it is to love.
The world never learned to love, did not even tried.
For love is ultimate, it does not render grief nor deceit.
It does not fear nor conquer.

Love is always kind and sweet and it allows decision.
Love is the force that defeats the world.
It is my ability to love that has made me survive the cruelty of the world.
It is how I endured every pain the world's unfairness has given me.

What is there to fear in the midst of love?
Love has shown all ways in that puzzle of twists and turns.
Love identifies itself to those who look for it and manifests its strength to those who have weakened by the grief the world has taught them to feel.

If I die, I will not be wasted in the grounds of the world.
I will not rest upon the shadows of death the world has prepared forthose who have worked against it.
I will not remember the pain it has unselfishly brought to me.
I will not rejoice in its sanctuary.
Instead, I will find peace in the comfort of eternal surrender.
I will waive to the passion of love in my being. I
will not hesitate to conjure laughter.
I will be happy and I will die with a smile.

I am me.

I know the world but the world does not know me.
I am an irony of contradicting ends.

I am in a world of ups and downs, what else could I expect oflife?